Deranged Crack Tales
by blackandblood
Summary: What happens when you mix classic fairy tales with Digimon characters and lunacy? Cracked-out parodies that will cause you to see a psychiatrist, that's what! Takumi!
1. Chapter 1: Snow White

**Okay, I'm doing something a bit new that I don't normally do. Other than "20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches", I have never done a multi-chaptered humor or parody story. So I had this idea of doing a collection of stories that would parody some of the best-known fairy tales. They are going to be incredibly stupid, but entertaining nonetheless (I hope). This is more of a story that I'll work on when I have writer's block or want to work on a comedy. So I may not update as frequently as my other stories that I'm working on. Don't worry, since they're all going to be one-shots, there will be no cliffhangers, as the following chapters will simply be based on a different fairy tale. Anyway, I hope you like this new series.**

**Warning: Story is rated M due to language, occasional violence, and possibly lemony scenes every now and again. This chapter contains no lemons, but if there are any future chapters that will have lemons, a warning will be given out at the beginning of the chapter.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 1: Snow White and the Seven Fanboys**

Once upon a time, in a kingdom that no one gave a rat's ass about, there was a little girl with blond hair that shone like gold and eyes that sparkled like emeralds. What was the girl's name? Well, the funny thing is that on the day she was born, her parents were both completely shit-faced. After her mother gave birth to the girl, she looked out the window and saw that it was snowing. So she and her husband had the 'brilliant' idea to name her Snow White. As stupid as the name was, the girl was fortunate not to suffer any side effects from her mother's constant drinking throughout the pregnancy. Yet, being much smarter than both of her parents combined, Snow White decided to give herself a new name at the age of two. After watching a program about a vicious female assassin on TV, she renamed herself 'Zoe', because that was the name of the woman. Apparently the assassin had a nice outfit, so Zoe adopted the name in hopes of getting a similar costume someday.

One day, her mother went to work as a teacher. Although the family was rich and her mother was as dumb as a stump, she worked as teacher anyway. Supposedly she was able to cope with the shitty pay and annoying kids as long as she was on enough drugs. However, when she went to work on that particular day, she pissed off a boy with anger issues. The boy threw a pencil at her, stabbing her right in the heart somehow with the lead tip. It was a freak accident that no one liked to speak of.

Zoe's father remarried about a week after his wife's death, deciding that he didn't want to go through that 'grieving and waiting' period. He married someone named Kouichi, not realizing that his new 'wife' was not a woman. See, Kouichi wanted to get really rich, so he decided to cross-dress and pretend to be a woman in order to do so. The day after the wedding ceremony, he threw his new 'husband' into a pool of beer, all the while the now thirteen year-old Zoe watched in confused horror. Her father drank several pints of the beer, before getting so intoxicated that he drowned. Zoe was unable to save her father, and Kouichi went back to dressing like a normal man. With Kouichi now the head of the household, he decided to turn Zoe into a maid since he was too lazy to get off his own ass to do anything. He also decided to fire the other servants just to make more work for Zoe to do. For the next four years, he tormented the poor girl, making her live in a tiny closet like Harry Potter's at night. During the day she was forced to cook, clean, and and change the channel for him.

One day, Zoe messed up Kouichi's tea, adding one lump of sugar instead of two. Angered, Kouichi ordered her to be killed, not caring about the fact that there was only one lump of sugar in the entire house to begin with. He sent a hit man after Zoe, but the guy felt bad about killing her, so he decided to let her go. The blond was on the run from her stepmother/father/whatever the hell Kouichi would be considered. A few hours later, she met seven teenage boys, all of them saying that she could live with them in their strange hut in the forest. However, as horrible as Kouichi was, he was nowhere near as annoying as Zoe's new fanboys. She had only been there for two days and they were already driving her insane.

"Zoe!" Taisuke took hold of her hand, flashing her a cheesy grin. "I watched you sleep last night...and it was awesome!"

Taisuke was dubbed as 'Creepy' amongst Zoe and the other guys. He always tried to spy on Zoe and touch her in ways that made her extremely uncomfortable. None of the touches were sexual, but they were still downright creepy, hence his nickname. Creepy had curly red hair, blue eyes, and a rather large nose.

"I've told you this before," Zoe said with a sigh as she pulled her hand away. "Don't watch me sleep! That's really beginning to freak me the hell out."

"I think that she's right!" Kazuo agreed. "That's messed up! I'm so glad I'm not fucked in the head like you, Creepy! By the way, I'm not twitching, am I?_ AM I_?"

Kazuo was known as 'Crazy', as he was...well, to put it lightly, crazy. The boy was constantly twitching and yelling at the voices in his head, one time even getting into a brawl with his multiple personalities. In the end, he had won the match, though not without a black eye and fat lip. Crazy had messy black hair and brown eyes, one of which was slightly lazy.

"Honk honk!" Mastuda suddenly ran over to Zoe, honked her breasts, then ran away laughing hysterically.

"You're such a pervert!" Zoe called after him. "I'm going to cut your hands off the next time you do that!"

Mastuda was known as 'Perverty', due ot his lewd behavior. He was known to continually masturbate, sometimes up to ten times a day. A large collection of hentai mangas and DVDs were stashed away in his closet, and a life-size sex doll was always in his bed. He was the one who would sexually assault Zoe, whether it was honking her large boobs, yanking her shirt up, or flashing her. The oldest one in the group, he had light blond hair, blue eyes, and usually a perverted smirk on his face, as if he were scheming something.

"Do you want me to kill him?" Michael asked Zoe, holding up a large machete. "Or, as you said, cut his hands off..."

"Uh...no, that's okay," Zoe replied, backing away slightly.

Michael's nickname was 'Homicidy', as he was constantly threatening to kill those who annoyed Zoe. He also attempted to cut people if they were even too close to her for his liking. Besides the other six guys, no one was allowed to go near the blond girl, as he usually tried to kill them. He had dark brown hair, and green eyes.

"Besides, I don't think that you could kill anyone was that large butter knife," Daijiro speculated. "But you could butter a huge piece of toast with that! Let me touch the tip so that I can prove that it's not-OW! Hey, that's sharp! That's the sharpest butter knife on the planet! We should put it in a museum!"

Daijiro was the dumb one of the group, being called 'Dumbassy' by the others. Zoe had been a bit too nice to call him that at first, but he was so painstakingly stupid, that even she couldn't help but do it after awhile. The boy was constantly asking stupid questions, hurting himself due to idiocy, and getting lost in his own bedroom. He had light brown hair, hazel eyes, and a few freckles.

"No! Let me borrow that knife for something else!" Seiichi tried to swipe the blade. "I need it to get rid of the pain!"

Seiichi was the manic-depressive of the fanboys, always trying to hurt himself. He was dubbed as 'Suicidy', due to the fact that he attempted to kill himself at least once a day. Yet something always stood in his way whenever he tried, and he failed each time. He constantly threatened to kill himself if Zoe did not marry him, making the poor girl a bit nervous. The tallest one of the group, he had black hair, pale skin, and gray eyes.

Adam burst out in laughter. "Get rid of the pain? Well, speaking of things to get rid of, I finally got rid of my crabs! Sure, I had to shave my crotch and use a special ointment, but it did the trick!"

Everyone backed away slightly, weirded out by the information. Adam's nickname was 'Diseasy', as he...well, had several diseases. STDs to be more precise. He had been known to have a varity of STDs including Herpes, Syphilis, and Gonorrhea. However, it was his own fault for screwing prostitutes unprotected. He had auburn hair, and light green eyes.

"What did I get myself into?" Zoe mumbled to herself as she shook her head. "But anyway...would you guys like me to make some pie?"

"Pie!" they all yelled unanimously. "We love pie! Why? Because people who live in the forest love pie!"

The blond nodded slowly. "Riiight...but, what flavor would you guys like me to make?"

"Blueberry!"

"Chocolate Cream!"

"Cherry!"

"Bacon and cheese!"

"Staple and nails!"

"Used condom!"

Zoe stood there silent for a few minutes, completely freaked out by some of the requested flavors. "Umm...how about I make apple?"

"That works, too!" the fanboys shouted, holding up 'We Love Zoe!' signs. "By the way, we love you! Marry us!"

"Well, looks like I better go pick some apples!" she said hurriedly as she grabbed a basket. "Try not to burn the hut down!"

Just then, Homicidy looked at Dumbassy. "Hey! Don't touch that lighter!"

"Minez!" Suicidy grabbed the lighter and ran off. "I shall burn myself!"

"Hey, Perverty! Quit having sex with the sugar shaker!" Crazy yelled out. "The sugar shaker is my friend, so stop violating him! He doesn't appreciate it!"

Creepy wandered over to Zoe, a maniacal smile on his face. "Would you like for me to join you?"

"I'll help, too! I'm good at picking apples!" Diseasy said as he reached down his pants to scratch himself.

"No! I'm fine! Goodbye!" Zoe barrel-assed it out of the hut, running throught forest as fast as she could. "God, I knew they were psycho but jeez! This is getting insane..."

After a few minutes of running, she finally came up to a large apple tree full of ripe, shiny apples. As she began to pick the fruit, a scary-looking old man was lurking in the shadows from a nearby hill. He had scraggily white hair, a huge nose, and a black hooded cloak. The man, of course, was her stepmother/father/whatever the hell you wanna call him, Kouichi. He had tracked the girl down and disguised himself as a haggard old hermit. He went to approach her, only to trip over his cloak.

"Waahh!" he cried out, rolling down the hill near Zoe. "Stupid cloak!"

Startled, Zoe looked at the fallen man as he crashed right into the tree. "Whoa! Are you okay, sir?"

"Just...fucking...peachy..." Kouichi heaved himself up, then dusted his clothes off. "I better not have ripped this damn cloak...it cost me good money!"

"Well, as long as you're okay..." Zoe resumed her apple-picking.

Kouichi cleared his throat, snorting loudly in the process. "So, I see that you're picking apples."

"Yeah, I'm going to make an apple pie," the girl told him. "Well...I'll most likely end up making more than one pie at the rate those guys eat... They're like goddamn garbage disposals..."

"Well, I have a special apple if you'd like to try it," he offered, magically pulling it out of his right sleeve. "I'll bet that it tastes better than all of those apples combined!"

Zoe took the piece of fruit, then raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Why the hell does it look like there's a picture of a skull on it?"

"Let me see!" Kouichi snatched it away, then inspected it. "No...I'd say that it looks more like Hitler rather than a skull."

"Hitler? How on earth do you see Hitler on that thing?" she inquired.

Kouichi tilted it for her to see. "See the little square mustache? Looks like Hitler's!"

The blond shrugged. "If you say so..."

"Let me just wipe it up," the old man mumbled, rubbing his sleeve against it. "Here! Now take a bite!"

"No, thanks. I'm all set," she replied.

Kouichi groaned. "Come on, just one bite."

"No."

"One tiny bite."

"No."

"Oh, just take one fucking bite, bitch!"

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Jeez... Let me see it."

Kouichi watched eagerly as she brought the apple to her mouth, taking a bite from it. Zoe made a disgusted face, but swallowed the fruit nonetheless.

"Ugh, I don't think it was ripe yet," she murmured, handing it back to him. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more apple-picking to-"

Before she could finish the sentence, she collapsed to the ground with a thud. Kouichi began to laugh maniacally, reverting back to his real form as he did so.

"I did it! I did it! I killed Snow White aka Zoe! Yeeessss!" He began to skip merrily through the woods, gazing down at the apple in his hand. "I finally killed- Hey, wait a minute! What the hell is this?"

On the apple, it looked as through a tiny message had been scribbled on it. Squinting his eyes, he began to read it aloud.

"Okay, le'ts see... 'Warning; this apple will kill a person due to its high poison content. The victim will collapse within five to ten seconds after taking the bite. However, if a random person comes along and falls in love with the victim, the curse will be lifted and the victim can be revived with a kiss.' Hey, what the fuck! My stupid magical spell book didn't say anything about this! Dammit!"

As he mumbled angrily to himself, he didn't notice a nearby cliff off to the side. He bitched to himself for several seconds, unaware as he drew closer to the edge.

"Well...it's not like anyone's going to just come along and fall in love with her," he grumbled. "Shit like that never happens. The chance of that happening is less likely than if I were to fall off a stupid cliff- Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

Kouichi fell off the cliff, plummeting into the rocky water down below. Normally, if a person had fallen, they would've been plastered to the rocks in a bloody mess. But Kouichi had landed on a piece of driftwood which was beginning to head towards a waterfall.

"Ah, goddammit!" he cried out as he tumbled down the waterfall, this time being smashed into the rocks below.

After a few hours, Zoe's fanboys wandered into the woods to find her dead body. They cried hysterically, most of them debating on whether or not they should commit suicide since their 'goddess' had been lost. In the end, only Suicidy tried to kill himself, but the rest of the fanboys tackled him and tied him up so that he couldn't do such a thing. He was dragged back home with a piece of rope, while Zoe was carried back by Homicidy and Crazy. Creepy and Perverty would've molested her if they carried her, while Dumbassy probably would've dropped her. Diseasy was not allowed to touch her for obvious reasons.

When they got back to their hut, they decided to build her a coffin with a glass shield on top to keep the weather off of her. As much as they worshipped Zoe, they were afraid of keeping her dead body in their house. Especially with the aspects of ghosts fresh in their minds. They also kept Zoe in her regular clothes, as they were afraid she'd haunt him if they undressed her. So she stayed in a low-cut blue summer dress and flats. For three days they wept and sobbed over her casket, leaving behind snot and trails of blood if they caught a glimpse at her cleavage.

On that third day, a young handsome man was trekking throught the forest with his best friend. The young man's name was Takuya, and his less-important friend was Kouji. Takuya had decided to venture through the forest to test out his new BB gun, hoping to shoot a bird or other small animals that he didn't care about.

"That's cruel to the animals, you know," Kouji said dryly.

"Eh, who cares?" Takuya scoffed. "There are plenty of birds, squirrels and sea lions in the world. It won't matter if I shoot a few."

Kouji raised an eyebrow at his idiotic friend. "First off, you won't be seeing any sea lions in a forest. Second off, sea lions are endangered so it _would _be a big deal if you tried to shoot them. And third of all, sea lions live in the fucking water, you idiot! Do you see any water around here?"

"Maybe they live in a nearby pond," the brunette speculated. "But either way, if I see one, I'm shooting it."

"Why me?" Kouji muttered to himself.

Takuya gave him a smack on the back. "Because you're lucky enough to have me as a friend! And you're emo, so that's kind of your downfall."

"Bastard," he grumbled, following Takuya through the woods.

A few minutes later, Takuya stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widening and his mouth gaped open. Kouji crashed into him, not expecting him to stop so suddenly.

"Hey, what the hell?" the raven-haired teen bitched. "Why'd you stop like that?"

"That's why!" Takuya grabbed Kouji's arm, dragging him along as fast as he could. "Isn't that the greatest thing ever?"

Kouji was hit in the face by a low branch. "Ow! I can't see anything, dammit!"

However, seconds later they came to an abrupt stop, Kouji crashing head-first into a large boulder. Ignoring his friend's pained groans, Takuya wandered over the thing he had seen in the distance. Right in the middle of the forest was a casket with a glass covering over it. Inside was a gorgeous girl with blond hair. She was lying completely still, seemingly dead.

"Damn...she's hot," Takuya speculated. "Too bad she's dead..."

"Hey, who are you?" Homicidy demanded, coming out behind a tree with a cleaver.

The brunette eyed the cleaver suspiciously. "Uh...I'm Takuya...why do you have a cleaver?"

"Don't mind Homicidy. He's a bit of a psycho," Crazy told him as he and the other five guys emerged. "Just don't make him mad...by the way, am I twitching? _AM I?"_

"No, not at all," Takuya quickly replied. "The guy with his head stuck in a rock is my friend, Kouji. We were just passing by to shoot some sea lions with my new BB gun. But what's with the chick in the casket?"

Creepy stepped forward, flashing him a smile that made Takuya uncomfortable. "This is our goddess, Snow White."

"Snow White?" Takuya raised an eyebrow. "Who the fuck names their kid 'Snow White'?"

"Well, she calls herself 'Zoe'," Suicidy told them. "According to her, her parents were both drunk when they named her, so they gave her a stupid name. She calls herself 'Zoe', and and only answers to that name."

Takuya thought for a moment. "Makes sense."

"Snow is white!" Dumbassy said excitedly as he clapped his hands. "Unless it's yellow! And if it's yellow, it's not a good idea to eat it, 'cause it's not lemon flavored."

"Uh, great..." the brunette looked over to see that Kouji was finally getting up. "But...uh, what happened to her?"

"We don't know," Homicidy told him. "We just found her dead so we brought her back and put her in this casket."

"I see. So, what-" Takuya abruptly went quiet, his eyes narrowing. "Did someone just touch my butt?"

No one said anything, but Kouji seemed to be holding back his laughter. The chestnut-haired boy shrugged, figuring it to be all in his head.

"Anyway, as I was saying, what do you plan to-" He was cut off as he felt his ass being grabbed again. "Hey! Who's doing that?"

"Sorry," Perverty muttered, slinking away behind the other fanboys. "Guess I'm bi-sexual..."

While Kouji burst into laughter, Takuya turned a deep shade of red, before recomposing himself. "Okay, anyway...what are you going to do with Zoe's body? Just leave it here?"

"I dunno," the seven guys answered unanimously, each of them looking confused.

"Want to kiss her?" Creepy suddenly asked. "I bet that it would be cool to kiss a dead girl."

Kouji threw him a weirded-out look. "Okay, you're fucking crazy..."

"No, I'm Creepy," he replied, then gestured to one of the other guys. "That's Crazy."

"Hi!" Crazy said enthusiastically.

"I'm Dumbassy!"

"I'm Suicidy!"

"I'm Perverty! The one who touched your buttocks!"

"And I'm Diseasy! I'm currently being treated for several STDs!"

Takuya backed away slightly, before looking back at Creepy. "So, you want me to kiss a dead girl?"

"Why not?" Creepy inquired. "She's only been dead for a few days. And she's not even rotting or anything. It's like there's some type of magic keeping her in good condition."

"She does look pretty hot, even if she is dead," Takuya murmured as he looked at Zoe through the glass. "Eh, why not? I'll give her a kiss."

Perverty grinned. "Yay! We get to see some action!"

"He's kissing her! Not screwing her, you fucking necrophile!" Homicidy snapped.

"I'm not a necrophile!" Perverty shot back. "I'm just...confused..."

With everyone's help, Takuya was able to get the glass covering off of the blond girl. He stared down at her, taking a not-so-subtle peek down the bodice of her dress to see her breasts. Leaning down, Takuya planted a soft kiss on Zoe's lips, surprised at how warm they were. Just as he pulled his head away, Zoe moaned quietly, her eyes slowly fluttering open.

"She's waking up!" the fanboys cried out. "It's a miracle!"

Zoe finally opened her emerald eyes for the first time in three days. Upon seeing Takuya's face close to hers, she she let out a surprised cry, causing the brunette to fall and crash onto the ground.

"Who the hell are you?" Zoe asked, completely shocked out as she sat up.

"I'm Takuya!" he said proudly, heaving himself off the ground. "I just kissed you and then you woke up. Weird, huh?"

The blond blinked in confusion. "Uh, yeah... How did I get here?"

"You died," Suicidy informed her. "We found you dead and brought you back here. You're lucky that you were dead for three days. I envy you."

"Well, now that I have awakened you, I say that we should hook up," Takuya said with a smile. "I mean, if I'm that good at kissing, just imagine how good I am in bed."

Zoe thought for a moment, unsure of what to do. "Well..."

"I'll also get you away from your crazy fanclub," Takuya offered.

At the same time, the fanboys all held up signs with pictures of Zoe on them. "We love you, Zoe!"

"I _love_ watching you sleep," Creepy added, flashing her a grin. "And I've been watching you for the past three days..."

Zoe immediatly leapt into Takuya's arms bridal-style. "Get me the hell outta here!"

"Okay, let's go!" Takuya took off through the woods with her, leaving behind the mentally unstable fanboys.

"I don't believe this," Kouji muttered as he chased after his idiotic friend and his idiotic friend's new girlfriend. "Why me?"

And everyone lived happily ever after. Well, everyone except the fanboys, who now needed someone new to worship. They settled on the sea lion that lived in a nearby lake. Kouichi didn't live happily ever after either seeing how he fell down a waterfall and crashed into a shitload of rocks. But other than that, everyone else, which would include Takuya and Zoe, lived their lives happily ever after. Kouji didn't because he's emo.

**Well, that was the first of many fairy tale one-shots I plan to write. Again, I don't know when the next one will be posted, but give me a week at the most. **

**Kouichi: Why did you make me the villain?**

**Me: I needed someone to play the part and you seemed capable of pulling it off. Well done ^_^**

**Kouichi: Why, thank you!**

**J.P.: But I wasn't in it!**

**Tommy: Neither was I!**

**Me: Don't worry, you'll all be in at least one story. Of course, all of them are going to be Takumi, so you guys can be some of the less-important filler characters. ^_^**

**The guys: Great...**


	2. Chapter 2: Cinderella

**Okay, here is the second chapter of my cracked-out fairy tale stories. I hope you enjoy it, and my next chapter should be out within a week or so depending on how busy I am.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 2: Cinderella**

Once upon a time...no, screw it! It always starts with 'once upon a time'! Let's try something new...Oh! A long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth...well, maybe not _that _long ago. But anyway, a somewhat long time ago, there was a freakishly rich man and his wife who lived in a huge mansion. The mansion had dozens of rooms, several staircases, and a hidden sex chamber in the basement. One day, the couple decided to have a baby so that when they croaked someday, they would have an heir. They had hoped for a boy, but instead conceived a girl. Due to certain laws, it was illegal to leave the baby on someone else's doorstep, even if the building happened to be a church. So the man and his wife kept their daughter and named her 'Zoe'. Once Zoe was old enough to walk, her father tried to teach her how to wrestle, kickbox, shoot guns, and play sports in order to fill that 'son void' for him. However, after an off throw from the girl, her father had been hit in the nuts with a baseball. Needless to say, that was the last time he tried to force 'manly' activities upon his young daughter.

Mourning the loss of his nonexistent son, the man went through a mid-life crisis. He abandoned his family and chose to join a traveling circus, acting as a 'human spider' after he had been bitten by Spiderman. Zoe's mother did not want her daughter to be left without a father figure, so she married a portly man named J.P. The man had two children of his own, twin boys named Kouji and Kouichi, who were the same age as Zoe. Everything was going dandy until one day, Zoe's mother went out to go shopping. While in her horsedrawn carriage, an old-school Burger King sign had broken and toppled over, crushing the carriage while the horse was catapulted into a nearby lake. The horse had lived to tell the tale, but the woman had died from the acursed Burger King sign crashing through the roof of the carriage...

After the funeral, Zoe had been forced to act as a maid, waking up before sunrise each morning to clean all of the rooms in the mansion. Her lazy stepfather and stepbrothers stayed in bed all day eating, playing video games, or purposely making messes for her to clean. The poor girl soon began to go so insane from their cruelty, she made friends with a bunch of animals. They were mostly birds and mice, but she took any type of company she could get.

After a few more years, the town heard that the king was hosting a ball, as he wanted his son to be married. Everyone scrambled to get their asses into gear, and once J.P. had heard the news, he was ecstatic.

"Listen up!" he said excitely, facing his two sons in the lobby of the mansion. "The king is hosting a royal ball so that his son can finally choose a bride!"

Kouji raised an eyebrow. "So? What's that gotta do with us?"

"I want you two to go to the ball and try to seduce him," his father told him. "That way, we can take control of the kingdom! Won't that be great?"

"But Father, I don't want to go to the ball," Kouichi groaned. "Besides, we're boys...we can't be brides."

"Nonsense! You'll cross-dress!" J.P. told him. "You can wear dresses and wigs to hide your identities as guys! Well...Kouji's hair is long enough where he doesn't need a wig. We'll just have to curl it or something."

Kouji facepalmed. "I don't want to cross-dress! And I don't want to marry the prince! I'm a straight guy and I want to marry a girl someday! And if you try to put curls in my hair, I'll cut you!"

Kouichi nodded in agreement. "Besides, I think that we'll be discovered as boys sooner or later."

"Not if we hide it well enough," J.P. argued.

"But Father-"

"Don't call me 'Father'! Call me 'Mother'! I'll cross-dress, too! It'll be more believable if I were a woman as well," the portly man said. "Now, the ball is tomorrow night, so go buy yourselves some dresses! You know, the corsets, the hoop skirts, the petticoats, all of that good shit. One of you is going to be the new princess if it's the last thing I ever do!"

His sons grumbled obscenities and flipped him off before leaving the room, while J.P. played hopscotch all the way back to his bedroom. Unbeknownst to them, Zoe was high up in the rafters, cleaning the ceiling. She had heard every word of it and wondered if she could go, too.

After several annoying hours of bitching on the twins' part, they were dressed and ready to go the next night for the ball. Kouji had on a black dress with red trimming, while Kouichi had chosed dark blue with light blue trimming. Kouichi had also put a wig on, while Kouji's hair had been curled in his sleep. Kouji was not happy at all. Standing before them was J.P., dressed in his own women's attire. He had on a skin-tight red dress with a feather boa and a long dark wig.

"We all look great!" he exclaimed.

So he and his pissed-off sons left for the ball, leaving Zoe alone in the mansion...alone...with no company whatsoever since the mice had left for their own party. Or so she thought. As she stared longingly as the others took off down the street in their carriage, she tried to shoot out their tires with a hunting rifle. However, since she hadn't used a gun since she was two, she missed her target.

"Dammit...I'm going to be stuck as a maid forever," she said to herself sadly as she put the rifle off to the side.

Just then, a bright light flickered next to her, turning into a huge glowing ball. Zoe jumped back, her eyes wide with surprise. Seconds later, the glowing orb cleared and a fat balding man stood a few feet away from her. He was wearing a pink tutu, ballet shoes, white tights, and had little white fairy wings.

"Shit, it's a burglar!" Zoe hit him over the head with a broomstick.

"Owww!" the man cried out, rubbing his sore cranium. "Jeez, woman! I'm not a burglar!"

The blond set the broom down, raising an eyebrow. "Then who the hell are you?"

"I'm the Tooth Fairy!" he said proudly as he held up a velvet bag and a wand with a large tooth on top. "You lost a tooth so I came here."

"But...I didn't lose any teeth..." Zoe backed away from his slightly.

Suddenly, another glowing ball of light appeared in the room, illuminating its surroundings.

"Now what the hell is going on?" Zoe facepalmed.

Once that orb of light cleared, a young woman stood in its place. She was wearing a silky, light green dress with spaghetti straps, and matching Japanese slipper shoes. Two small translucent wings were on her back, and a white headband was on her head with a white flower on it. She had burgandy red hair, pink eyes, and a glittery silver wand.

"Jerry, you're at the wrong house," she told the fat man. "You were supposed to go next door."

Jerry, the fat Tooth Fairy, scratched his head in confusion. "I was?"

"Yup. I'll take over from here," the woman told him. "Now get lost."

The Tooth Fairy nodded and flew out the window, but not before banging his head on the frame. "Ah, goddamit!"

As soon as he was gone, Zoe looked at the female fairy. "Okay, I get the fact that he's the Tooth Fairy, but who are you?"

"I'm Yasmin," she replied. "Your fairy godmother!"

"I have a fairy godmother?" Zoe asked, confused. "How?"

Yasmin rolled her eyes. "Let's see...your parents are no longer in the picture, you're forced to be a slave in your own house, you have a horrible babysitter..."

"But I don't have a babysitter. I'm seventeen," the blond said dryly.

"Oh, my bad. Wrong person." Yasmin turned slightly red in embarrassment. "Anyway, you live with your cruel stepfamily who deserted you so that they can get hammered at a party. Or, in your case, a royal ball."

Zoe thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

"Okay, since I'm on a tight schedule, instead of going over that whole introductary shit that can go on forever, I'm going to transform everything accordingly." Yasmin waved her wand. "You need transportation for one thing. So here we go!"

Outside, a man in a carriage was driving by. Yasmin pointed her wand at him, causing him to have a heart attack and topple off his seat. She then put a scarecrow in the man's place to drive the carriage.

"Okay, carriage, check. Driver, check. Now all you need is a dress," Yasmin said. "Saying spells take too long so I'm just going to point at you and then you'll transform."

"Works for me," Zoe said with a shrug.

Seconds later, Zoe's old work clothes were transformed into a gorgeous, billowy lavender gown. The gown was strapless and the bodice was decorated with sequins to accent her body. Her blond hair had been curled and on her head was a glittery silver tiara with purple gems on it. Instead of receiving glass slippers, she was wearing regular purple high-heeled shoes.

"Trust me, you don't wanna walk around in glass shoes," Yasmin told her. "They are freakishly uncomfortable. And if you happen to run into someone who is singing in a horribly shrill voice, you'll need to make a trip to the ER to remove the shards of glass embedded into you. Just be back home at eleven before everything wears off. The curfew used to be midnight, but after one too many drinking incidents, the time was switched to eleven."

"Okay, I guess I'm on my way to the ball!" Zoe ran outside as fast as she could, almost falling down the stairs in the process.

However, she had caught herself and dashed into the horse-drawn carriage which was being driven by the creepy-looking scarecrow. As Yasmin watched her drive away, she sighed to herself.

"Damn, I'm good," she bragged.

Just then, the closet burst open and a crazed man jumped out. He was wearing a white button-up shirt, black pants, a black tie, and black shoes. His back was hunched slightly, his teeth were crooked, and it appeared that his ears were on his neck. With his eyes bulging out through his thick-rimmed glasses, he smiled like a lunatic.

"They exist!" he cried out. "FAIRIES!"

He pulled a giant butterfly net out of nowhere, causing Yasmin to sweatdrop. "I don't believe it..."

"All I need is proof!" the man cried out as he twitched sporatically. "And then everyone will stop laughing at me! The other teachers! The students! My own mother! FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

Yasmin took off through the window, muttering curses under her breath as the man pursued her on a flying bike.

"This is going to be a long night," she grumbled as she tried to escape from the insane teacher.

_At the ball_

"Oh, Takuya! Look at _that_ girl! Isn't she lovely?" The king asked his son.

Prince Takuya hardly glanced up from his Nintendo DS. "Her hips are too wide."

"Well, how about that one?"

"Her lower lip is too fat. I think she got one too many injections."

"What about the girl in the yellow gown?"

"Her boobs are so fake, she's making Pam Anderson jealous."

The king smacked his forehead. "Dammit, boy! Are you_ that_ picky? How about that lovely woman over there? She has nice legs in those tights!"

"...That's a man," Takuya said after a moment.

His father squinted, then sighed in aggravation. "They look so alike nowadays..."

"Dad, just forget the whole thing," the prince muttered in a bored voice. "None of these girls interest me. Sure, I might fuck a few of them. But I sure as hell don't wanna marry any of them."

Just then, J.P ran over to them with his two 'daughters'. "Hello, Your Majesty! I'd like to introduce you to my lovely twin girls!"

"Sup?" Kouji asked in a bored tone.

Kouichi seemed to be in a daze, staring at a girl across the room. "Wow, that girl's boobs are so big that Pam Anderson is jealous..."

"That's what my son said!" the king said happily, the looked at Takuya. "See, you have something in common with this pretty young lady."

Takuya raised an eyebrow. "Uh...sure...But if you don't mind, I gotta go take a leak. Be back in five, ten, maybe thirty minutes."

He then rose from his throne and walked through the crowd of screaming fangirls. Luckily, he had a tranquilizer gun for any fangirl who got too close to his liking. By the time he had exited the main dance hall, nearly all of the girls were passed out from a dart.

"Stupid ball," Takuya muttered as he idly scratched one of his balls. "Stupid party. I'll never meet a girl who I not only wanna screw, but wanna marry, too."

However, he stopped in his tracks as he gazed upon the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. Without a word, he ran over to her and pushed her up against the wall.

"Hi, I'm Prince Takuya. Nice to meet you." He immediately began to kiss her, lustfully running his hands up and down her torso.

"Hi, nice to meet you, too." Zoe was rather surprised with his behavior, but wasn't hating it in the least. "Wow, you're very friendly, aren't you?"

Takuya grinned. "The friendliest. Come on, let's go somewhere private."

For hours, the young couple frolicked in his bedroom, having hot and heavy make-out sessions. J.P. had tried to spy on them, but kept getting whisked away by a perverted man. Since J.P. was dressed as a woman, the man wasn't really at fault. He _was_ at fault for picking an ugly woman to hit on, though. Kouji and Kouichi were off having 'lesbian' make-out sessions with other girls, not really giving a rat's ass about what the prince was up to.

Finally, Zoe glanced at the clock just as Takuya removed her lacy, strapless purple bra from under the bodice of her dress. "Oh, fuck! I gotta go!"

She then high-tailed it and left the palace as fast she could, leaving a heart-broken Takuya behind. Yet with her sexy little custom-made bra in his possession, he vowed to find the hot girl with amazing kissing skills.

Over the next few days he searched the village, going from house to house trying to find the owner of the bra. Luckily, he was not completely stupid and was immediately able to omit the girls who he knew damn well weren't that girl. Though he_ had_ been an idiot for not asking Zoe what her name was when he had met her. Moron...

Upon hearing the news, J.P. excitedly changed into women's clothing and forced his sons to do the same. He then locked Zoe in her tiny bedroom, not wanting her to be given the chance to leave her horrible lifestyle. Finally, Takuya and his right-hand man, Tommy, arrived at Zoe's mansion.

"Okay, this is the next house on the list," Tommy speculated as he pulled the carriage up. "Shall we go in?"

"Fuck yeah, I wanna find that girl!" Takuya exclaimed.

Tommy nodded, then followed the prince up to the door, the delicate bra kept safetly in a box. Takuya knocked on the door impatiently, even giving the thing a kick for good measure.

"Hey, open up!" he called out. "In the name of...um...the kingdom! Yeah, the kingdom! I demand whoever is in there to open this door at once!"

J.P. yanked the door open as fast as he could, not realizing that his sons were right behind him. The twins were smacked in the face with the heavy wooden door, flying back across the room until they crashed into the opposite wall. Like their father, they were dressed in drag.

"Come in, Your Majesty!" J.P. moved to allow Takuya and Tommy to enter the mansion. "My daughters are expecting you! Speaking of which, get off your lazy asses, you stupid broads!"

Kouichi and Kouji mumbled curses as they heaved themselves off the floor, trying to straighten out their dresses. They faked their smiles, all the while wishing that they could jump off the roof.

"Now, which of my beautiful daughters shall try on that...uh...what are they trying on again?" J.P. inquired.

Takuya took the lacy lavender bra out of the box. "This bra! It's custom-made and will only fit the girl of my dreams. And no offense, but I know for a fact that she isn't one of your daughters."

"Nonsense! This bra will fit one of them perfectly!" J.P. grabbed the undergarment.

Kouji's eyes grew wide with disbelievement. "Uh, I don't think that it will fit us, _Mother_."

"Yeah, we're kind of lacking in the breastal department," Kouichi added dryly.

"Oh, of course it will! Be right back!" The portly man ran out of the room, only to return a few seconds later with four pieces of fruit. "Here you go!"

Right in front of Takuya and Tommy, J.P. attempted to stuff two melons down the bodice of Kouichi's dress. He then tried to fit two cantolopes down Kouji's, giving them makeshift breasts.

"See? You look great!" he exclaimed, then gave Takuya a desperate look. "Right?"

"Um...are there any other young women in this house?" Takuya asked. "You know, ones with blond hair and green eyes?"

Registering the description, J.P.'s face turned red. "Blond hair and green eyes? Zoe! That little slut! When I finally unlock her from that tiny bedroom of hers, she's going to get a beatdown!"

"I would like to see her if that's okay," the brunette said.

However, J.P. angrily shook his head. "Not if I have anything to say about it!"

Takuya smirked, drawing his sword. "Then I challenge you to a duel!"

"You're on! But I don't need a stupid sword! I have other means of crushing you!" With that, J.P. yanked his dress and wig off, revealing a Sumo Wrestling diapter-looking thing on his otherwise naked body. "Kouji! Kouichi! Go all Chuck Norris on his ass!"

"Okay, Father!" Kouichi exclaimed.

"Call me 'Mother'! Oh, wait...we stopped that charade... Then call me 'Father'!" J.P. yelled.

The short-haired twin sweat-dropped. "But I just did..."

"Just shut up and attack him!"

"I'll use my razor blade collection!" Kouji ripped his dress off to reveal his regular clothes and a bag of razor blades against his chest.

"And I'll use this chair!" Kouichi picked up a chair, smiling manically at Takuya. "And once I've stained it with your blood, I'll make Zoe wash it out!"

Takuya cocked an eyebrow. "Tommy, take care of the Double Mint Twins. I'll take care of the fat one."

Tommy smirked then pulled a machine gun out of his jacket. "Anyone wanna do a bit of target practice?"

The twins paled, then attempted to run away. However, Tommy fired the gun, emptying several rounds into them. Once the two teenage boys had collapsed, it was revealed that the bullets were actually tranquilizer darts. They were now in Dreamland, fighting little monsters with Kirby.

"Those stupid weaklings!" J.P. charged at Takuya full speed. "I'll rip you limb from limb!"

Just as he was about to slam into Takuya, the prince merely sidestepped out of the way. The fat man then crashed right into the wall, the force of the blow so intense that he had been knocked out cold.

"Now to find the owner of the bra," Takuya said happily as he ran up the stairs. "Heeeey! Girl with the purple bra! Where are you?"

Hearing the familiar voice from outside her bedroom, Zoe jumped off her bed. "Yeah! I'm in here! Get me the hell outta this room!"

Seconds later, Takuya kicked the door down Bruce Lee style, triumphantly holding the bra above his head. "Yes! Sexy bra girl! I have finally found you!"

"I know, it took you long enough," Zoe said dryly. "The bra had my address on the tiny tag inside."

"Really?" Takuya found the said-tag, smiling stupidly afterwards. "Oh, I found it! And I found Waldo, too! You can just barely see the little red and white striped shirt behind where it says '36 D'. You got some nice boobs, you know."

The blond turned bright red. "Uh, thanks. So, now what?"

"Well first I gotta make sure that you really are the owner of the bra." With that, Takuya ripped the top of her work dress right off, along with the bra she was currently wearing. "Hey, it fits you perfectly!"

Now wearing the purple lacy bra, Zoe smiled up at him. "Good, does that mean I can get out of this godforsaken house?"

"Yup! And it also means that I will be marrying you. It's a rule that a prince has to marry a girl based on by hot she is. He must also know her for less than two days and shouldn't give a shit about her personality."

"Works for me," Zoe said with a shrug.

Takuya escorted her to the carriage, where Tommy began to drive them back to the palace. However, he had to pull over a few times and spray them with cold water since their make-out session was becoming a bit too steamy. J.P. and his sons were forced to clean their own house after Zoe's departure. Yet only two weeks later, the mansion was condemned due to the high vermin count living within the walls. The house then belonged to the mice and other rodents lurking around.

Jerry's Tooth Fairy business needed new employees, so he hired J.P., Kouichi, and Kouji. Unfortunately for them, it was customary for them to wear pink tutus and ballet shoes. J.P.'s had to be specially made because of sizing issues.

Yasmin continued to be a kick-ass fairy godmother, yet she kept on having that crazy teacher on her trail wherever she went.

"FAIRIES!" he cried out, trying to catch her in his butterfly net.

"Goddammit, will you just go away already?" Yasmin exclaimed, completely annoyed.

She then waved her wand and sent him to the nearest insane asylum where he was heavily sedated and kept in a padded cell. And most of them lived happily ever after. And it was all thanks to-

"FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

**And that concludes the second chapter of this outrageously stupid story. The OC Yasmin does not belong to me, but to fellow writer luv2write and laugh since she gave me permission to do so. Thank you! Anyway, please review and let me know just how ridiculous you thought this chapter was. :p**


	3. Chapter 3: Little Red Riding Hood

**Alrighty, we're going to take a bit of a break from the princess-themed fairy tales to have something different. And for the record, I will do a chapter on ANY fairy tale that is requested. So the ones that have been suggested so far (Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, and Hansel and Gretal) are all in the working phases. If anyone has more fairy tales that they wish for me to write, let me know and I will definitely get to them when the time comes. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this particular fairy tale that I cracked out. And two of my friends, plus some other annoying guy, are making a cameo appearance in this chapter as well. This is for you Kyosuke, Kyo, and Lance (the annoying guy). **

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 3: Little Red Riding Hood**

Once upon a time, there was a girl name Zoe. She lived in a small house near the woods with her parents. Yes, for once, the main characters's parents are actually both alive and present. Gee, Hell must've frozen over to make _that_ one possible! Anyway, one day her extremely fat grandmother called and bitched that she was sick. The old woman demanded to have a truckload of treats sent to her house, so whatever she was sick from, it apparently wasn't making her vomit. Either that or she just didn't give a shit. So Zoe's mother filled a basket full of sweets since she didn't have enough to fill a fucking truck. Once the basket had been packed, Zoe's father decided to give his daughter a little talk before having it sent out.

"So your mother and I screwed for two hours straight and that is how you were conceived."

Sixteen year-old Zoe stared at her father, raising an eyebrow incredulously. "So that stork story that you've been telling me for the past twelve years is nothing but bullshit. Which I've suspected since day one."

"Unless the stork is fucking the woman, she ain't getting a baby from him," her father, Kouichi, told her. "Now, get to your grandmother's house and deliver this basket of crap that your mother made."

Zoe groaned. "Dammit, why do I have to do it?"

"Because your mother is busy cleaning the toilets and I have to watch the game. Then once the game is over, I'm going to mow the lawn since your mother isn't allowed to ride on my lawnmower. But she is allowed to 'ride' something else if you know what I mean." Kouichi wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Too much information," the blond girl muttered as she grabbed her hooded cape.

Kouichi snorted, then took a swig of his beer. "Why don't you be a normal kid and wear a jacket like everyone else?"

"Because I do it to purposely embarrass you," she replied dryly as she pulled it on.

"Takes a lot more than that to embarrass me," her father told her. "And put on more clothes! You shouldn't be wearing a corset and high heels for that type of work!"

Zoe gave him a weird look. "I'm not wearing a corset and heels."

"I'm talking to your mother, not you." Kouichi looked down the hallway. "I told you to save that for our nightly sessions in the bedroom! Just try not to be so loud tonight! I think you woke Zoe up last night with all of your moans and stuff!"

"I'm sorry. I can't help it when you pound into me like that," Zoe's mother said in a seductive voice.

"And everyone wonders why I'm so traumatized," Zoe muttered as she grabbed hold of a wicker basket.

Unlike her corset-wearing mother, she was wearing a short black dress and black ballet flats. A bit of black lace lined the bodice of her dress and her black and red striped thigh-highs went nicely with her dress, giving her a slightly gothic look. She was going through a difficult time trying to cope with the disturbing sexual screams coming from her parents at night.

Kouichi continued to yell down the hallway to his wife. "Quit actin' like a bitch in heat and clean the goddamn toilet, woman!"

"Yes, Master!" she responded happily.

Zoe rolled her eyes and stormed out of the house a moment later with her basket. As she tried to shake the disturbing images out of her head, she made her way down to the path through the woods. It was the quickest way to the her grandmother's house, though it was also the most dangerous. Yet she didn't really give a shit if she was killed. In her mind, it would let her escape from her parents' perverted dreamworld.

"Wonder what kind of stuff Mom packed for Grandma," Zoe mused as she lifted the cover of the basket. "Cake...green tea mousse...wagashi... pocky... Jeez, what are they trying to do? Make Grandma even fatter than she already is?"

After a few minutes, she passed a tree with a trio of squirrels sitting on a branch. One of them was a dark blue flying squirrel with piercing red eyes, giving him a bloodthirsty appearance.

"Hello, there," Zoe said, not exactly sure why she was talking to a squirrel.

"Fuck you," the flying squirrel replied, licking a bit of blood off his teeth.

"Don't mind him," the squirrel next to him said, sweatdropping a bit. "He gets a bit cranky if he kills less than four coyotes a day."

That particular squirrel had a slightly lighter coat and blue eyes. There was yet another squirrel on his other side, that one having white fur. The white one was twitching spastically, giving Zoe a feeling that he might have rabies.

"Go pick those ugly, rotting flowers over there!" he said, one of his eyes going crazy. "They're colorful!"

Zoe looked over to see a garden with a wooden sign beside it. The sign read _'Mr. Wolf's flowers. Touch them and I cut you! I cut you so bad your mother will never recognize you!'_

"I've killed wolves before," the evil-looking flying squirrel muttered. "Their blood tastes better than coyotes'...but not as good as humans..."

"Dammit, Kyo. Stop killing people already. They give us free acorns!" the light blue one said in an annoyed tone of voice.

The white squirrel hung upside down from the tree branch by his tail. "Oh! I want acorns! Kyosuke, get me some acorns! Pronto!"

"But I got them last time! You get them," Kyosuke shot back.

"Maybe we should just kill Lance," Kyo mused to himself. "I'm sure his blood would taste better than any fucking acorn out there..."

Lance, the white squirrel, almost lost his grip on the branch. "WHAAAAAT? Nooooo! Don't kill meeee!"

While Zoe cautiously moved away from the trio of squirrels, she passed by the garden, not giving rat's ass about the disgusting wilted flowers. Yet as she walked by, a black wolf emerged from the shadows, his dark blue eyes gleaming with malice.

"Well, what do we have here?" he asked in a low voice. "A girl wearing a hooded cape and carrying a basket...quite unusual to see these days."

"Fuck off," Zoe growled as she walked passed him. "I'm on the way to deliver these treats to my fat grandmother, so don't try to stop me. And what kind of wolf walks upright? Maybe if you were a werewolf, but not an actual generic wolf..."

The wolf, whose name was Kouji, casually walked with her. "I'm a special type of wolf."

"What, did you contract rabies from that crazy white squirrel?" Zoe asked carelessly.

"No, I'm just...um...I dunno! I can just walk upright, dammit! Now enough chit-chat! I want that basket of treats and I want it now!" Kouji demanded.

Zoe smacked him in the face with the basket, sending him into a tree. "Get lost. My grandmother will probably die of diabetes with all the sugar in these desserts if she eats them, but they're for her to eat nonetheless. Plus, if she dies, she might've left me something good in her will. Of course, we'll need to get her body out of the house using a crane."

As Kouji watched her continue her way down the path, he pried himself out of the tree. "I'll get that basket of treats one way or another. Even if it kills me! I will not rest until I have succeeded in my evil scheme!"

"Um, she left, you stupid dipshit," Kyo remarked dryly.

"Shut up! I know!" Kouji took off down the trail in pursuit of the hooded blond.

A minute later, he caught up to Zoe, who simply rolled her eyes in annoyance. "What do you want now?"

"That basket looks _really_ heavy," the wolf commented. "Would you like me to carry it for you?"

"I'll pass."

"Just for a minute?"

"No."

"Oh, come on! I'll maul you to death if you don't!" Kouji threatened.

Zoe smirked. "Okay, then here's a question; if you wanted to kill me as quickly as possible, where should you bite me in order to draw the most blood?"

Kouji stopped dead in his tracks, thinking to himself. "I know this...I mean, I _should_ know this...uh...um..."

Not waiting for an answer, Zoe kept making her way down the trail, leaving behind the completely oblivious wolf. After several minutes of standing there like an idiot, Kouji finally grinned.

"Oh! I know! Either the throat or the wrists! But the throat is more prone to letting the blood just squirt the hell out!" he exclaimed, only for his eyes to bulge out upon realizing that she had left. "Hey! Goddammit!"

A little while later, he had devised a scheme to steal Zoe's baskets of treats. He had hopped into his teleportation machine so that he was ahead of her and found a giant wall of rocks. He then painted a scenery over it to it to make it appear as though it were a part of the real surroundings. On the ground nearby was a copy of his book entitled 'How to Act Like Wile E. Coyote for Idiots'.

"Wile E. Coyote is a genius," Kouji said to himself. "If I follow his instructions, there's no way I can fail!"

After a few more dabs of paint, the scenery looked realistic enough to trick Zoe, making it appear that the trail continued into it. Upon noticing Zoe coming from the distance, he quickly hid behind a tree.

Once she had grown close enough, he jumped out from behind her, intending to chase her. The blond groaned in annoyance, taking off in a run.

"Jeez, you don't like to quit, do you? Stupid wolf," Zoe muttered as she sprinted towards the painted-over rock wall.

"Just give me the treats and you won't get hurt!" Kouji called after her as he struggled to contain his laughter.

The girl rolled her eyes. "Gimme a break..."

_This is it,_ Kouji excitedly thought to himself. _She's going to crash right into that wall and get knocked out from the force! And then her basket of treats will be mine! ALL MINE!_

However, to his disbelievement, Zoe ran right into the scenery, as if it weren't just a painting. She sprinted down the painted path, making it seem as though she were actually running down the real trail.

"Whaaaat?" Kouji's eyes bulged out. "Well, two can play at this game!"

Yet as he went to follow her down the trail, he slammed directly into the wall, just what he had intended for Zoe to do. His snout resembled an accordian by the time he peeled himself off the painted scenery.

"Fuck, it didn't work! I must try Plan B!" he grumbled as his nose played musical notes.

A short while later, Zoe had ended back on the original path towards her grandmother's house, her basket still intact.

"Fuck, this walk is way longer than I remembered. I feel like a damn hobbit with all of this traveling," she mumbled to herself. "All I need is a one-hundred pound backpack to slow me down and a crazy guy stalking me for a ring. On the other hand, I do have a dim-witted wolf trying to weasel away this stupid basket..."

Unbeknownst to her, Kouji was waiting on a cliff, an anvil held tightly in his hands. Struggling to keep his grip on it, he watched as she drew closer.

"Okay...one...two...THREE!" he cried out, letting the anvil drop.

Unfortunately for him, he didn't notice that it had snagged onto a nearby bungee cord. It plummeted down towards Zoe, finally coming to a sluggish stop only centimeters above her head. Kouji gaped in confusion as the bungee cord caused the anvil to spring back up, only for it to crash right onto Kouji.

"Plan B has failed! Goddammit!" Kouji walked away, this time his entire body resembling an accordian. "But I'll get her next time! I will! Plan C!"

After a few more minutes of Kouji going through is ridiculous Wile E. Coyote book, he found yet another scheme to kill Zoe and steal her basket. He went ahead of her on the path using his teleportation machine again, then left a pile of birdseeds right in the middle of it. He then fastened on a pair of rocket skates and hid behind a large boulder.

"When she stops to eat the birdseeds, I'll coming rocketing out and stab her with this machete," Kouji said aloud. "She should be here soon!"

Seconds later, Zoe walked down the path, coming up to the birdseeds after a moment. She raised an eyebrow in contempt, muttered the word 'idiot' and continued on her way.

"Hey! You were supposed to eat those, you bitch!" Kouji rocketed out from behind the boulder. "It said so in my Wile E. Coyote book!"

"Yes, but he was after the Roadrunner, who was a bird. I'm not a bird and don't eat birdseed, you jackass." Zoe then side-stepped him, causing the wolf to plummet off the edge of an unseen cliff.

Kouji's eyes went wide and he stayed mid-air for a few seconds, holding up a 'Help' sign. He then plummeted down and crashed into the rocky ground below.

"Okay, this bitch is gonna get it!" Kouji went on all fours and climbed back up the cliff, snarling angrily.

Although the characters were located in the woods, there were several appropriately placed cliffs to help add to the comic relief. In these woods, anything is possible, as seen by the trio of talking squirrels earlier.

"Wonder how long before the moronic wolf shows up again with yet another dim-witted scheme," Zoe said as she rolled her eyes.

However, Kouji leapt out in front of her, still on all fours like a wolf should be. He was snarling, and his sapphire eyes were dark with malice. A bit of saliva dripped from his jowls as he slowly approached her.

"I'll just attack and kill you the old-fashioned way," he growled. "I bet that flesh of yours tastes even better than what's in the basket..."

"...Fuck."

With that, Zoe sprinted as fast as she could down the trail, knowing that the wolf was no longer resorting to his fail of a book. She glanced back to see him running, gradually catching up to her.

"Shit! I gotta lose him." She looked around frantically, hoping to find a way to rid herself of her pursuer.

"Run little girl, run! I will catch you and rip you to shreds!" Kouji taunted as he sped up. "And once your limbs are strewn throughout the forest, I'll eat everything in the basket just for the fuck of it!"

Finding no other option, Zoe finally decided to jump off a nearby ledge that would lead to a river. There was a fifty percent chance that she would miss the water and would fall to her death by crashing into the ground. Yet if she didn't try, she would surely be slaughtered.

"Are you gonna give up?" Kouji asked, his eyes dark and sadistic.

"Go screw yourself, you stupid bastard." Zoe jumped off the ledge, closing her eyes in anticipation.

Kouji halted, completely dumbfounded by what she had done. "Huh...didn't expect her to do that..."

At the bottom of the small cliff, an eighteen year-old, somewhat idiotic huntsman named Takuya was standing there fishing. "I'm gonna get me a big one and fry that sucker up!"

From the corner of his eye, he saw a girl plummeting down from above, on the verge of crashing into the ground. Realizing that she was going to miss the water by a few feet, he ran over to where she was falling.

"Don't worry, I'll catch you!" he exclaimed.

Zoe opened her eyes just as Takuya caught her, letting out a surprised cry. The brunette had succeeded in sparing her from a bloody death, but had run too close to the edge of the river. Losing his balance, he toppled into the water, still holding Zoe in his arms. The two of them then floated back to the surface, spitting water out of their mouths like fountains.

Takuya heaved himself out of the water, then pulled Zoe out as well. "I was expecting to catch a fish, but I caught something way better!"

"Yeah, thanks," she replied dully as she wrung out her hair. "Better check the basket..."

Luckily for her, her mother was half witch and had put up a water-proof protection spell to keep the basket and treats from getting wet. Yet a fish had somehow swam into the basket and was now flailing around.

"Oh! Can I have that?" Takuya asked, eyeing the fish with a goofy grin on his face. "By the way, my name's Takuya! So can I have it?"

"Fine." Zoe held out the basket and allowed him to take the fish. "And my name is Zoe."

"Thanks, Zoe!" Takuya jumped up and down like a moron, then stuffed the fish into the pocket of his jeans. "Now I can have fish for dinner!"

The blond sweatdropped, not sure why he would pick such a ridiculous place to keep it. "Uh, great..."

"So, why did you jump off that ledge?" the huntsman asked. "Are you suicidal?"

"I was actually being chased by some annoying wolf with identity issues," Zoe told him. "But I won't deny that I am slightly suicidal. You would be too if you had my perverted parents..."

Since this is a fairy tale, their clothes had already dried within the span of ten seconds. After all, characters of such stories are never afflicted with the after affects of poor weather or conditions. Since it is also customary to include details as well, Takuya's outfit will be described. To make a long story short, he was wearing tan pants, a black t-shirt, and a tan jacket. The lucky bastard also has a hunting knife, a rifle, and a fishing pole that is currently being stolen by a fox named Swiper.

"Why was the wolf with identity issues chasing you?" Takuya inquired, playing with his knife. "Is he looking for a mate or something? Because a wolf hooking up with a human girl would only spawn ugly little-Ow! I just poked my finger!"

"Idiot," Zoe muttered, but couldn't help blushing at his amazing good looks.

That's how these stories usually roll; the attractive guy is usually a dim-wit, but the girl falls in love anyway because of his good looks. Or it can be vice versa with the guy falling in love with the brainless hot girl. And everyone reading these stories are just fucking fine with that.

Tucking his knife back into his belt, Takuya glanced at her. "So where are you headed?"

"My grandmother's house. She's sick and demanded someone to bring a basket of food to her," Zoe explained. "And of course, I got stuck with the job since my parents make me do everything."

"Well, that's nice of you to deliver that shit to your grandmother," the brunette told her. "I wouldn't give my grandmother food if she bribed me with a mansion full of video games. Of course, she's dead so if she wanted food, it would consist of human flesh. Like me!"

Zoe shrugged. "My grandmother is freakishly fat and doesn't need this food. But I figured that if she dies of a heart attack or too much sugar intake, then I might get something from her will."

"Even better! I'll escort you there," Takuya said. "And if we run into that wolf, I can kill him and turn him into a rug!"

"Whatever floats your boat. Come on." The hooded girl began to walk down a path that would lead them back up to where the original trail.

While they walked, Takuya's eyes went wide with excitement. "Look! It's an owl!"

Sure enough, there was a white owl on the branch of a nearby tree. Before Zoe could tell him to ignore the bird and keep moving, the idiot had already run over to it. He pulled a lollypop out of one of his pockets.

"Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?" he asked as he removed the wrapper.

"Why are the cute ones always so dumb?" Zoe sighed and shook her head.

The owl put on a pair of glasses, a red bow tie, and a black graduation cap. He then took hold of the lollypop, much to Takuya's fascination.

"Let's find out," Mr. Owl said, then began to take a few licks. "One...two...three..."

He crunched into it loudly, making it obvious that he had bit the Tootsie Roll Pop. Takuya's eye twitched as the owl handed the empty stick back to him.

"Three," Mr. Owl stated.

"What? No, that didn't count, you stupid bird!" Takuya angrily shouted.

Zoe sighed. "Takuya, relax-"

"No! He clearly bit it! You saw the whole thing!" he exclaimed.

"Just calm down already. You'll find the answer someday," she told him.

"Yeah, you better listen to your girl. I'm sure you don't want to get your ass handed to you right in front of her," the owl quipped.

Takuya's eyes grew dark. "WHAT? Oh, that's it! You're going down, motherfucker!"

"Bring it, Bitch!" Mr. Owl taunted.

After a thirty-second long brawl, Takuya finally stabbed the godforsaken owl to death. Zoe dragged the huntsman along by the back of his shirt as he attempted to pluck the feathers off.

"Looks like I'm having fish _and_ owl tonight for dinner!" Takuya said happily.

Eventually, they finally saw Zoe's grandmother's house in the distance. The blond recognized it immediately due to the hideous lawn ornaments surrounding it.

"Ugh, those lawn gnomes are ugly as fuck." Takuya grimaced. "Why does she put them around the house?"

"Those are actually real gnomes who are making repairs on her house," Zoe pointed out.

A second later, a hammer conked Takuya right in the head. The angry gnomes shook their fists at him, some of them flipping him off as well.

"Asshole!" they cried out.

Rubbing the growing bump on his forehead, Takuya muttered a few curses under his breath. So far they had not spotted the wolf anywhere. Yet they knew that he was probably coming up with yet another stupid scheme that would most likely fail.

As Takuya and Zoe drew closer to the house, they noticed several more strange decorations. Amongst them were a plastic flamingo dressed as Santa Claus, two plastic dogs humping one another, and one of those birds that bends over and dips its beak into a large glass of water. Takuya took a picture of it with his phone and saved it as his background. Although he had fallen into water, his phone still worked perfectly because this is a fucking fairy tale.

Kouji, of course, had already beaten them to the house. He had tied up Zoe's grandmother and stuffed her into a broom closet. An apple had been shoved into her mouth as a make-shift gag. He then put on a pink nightgown and a matching cap before crawling under the covers to the bed. Takuya and Zoe went inside to discover 'Zoe's grandmother' waiting for them.

"Oh, hello!" Kouji said in a high-pitched voice. "I see that you brought me treats, my dear..."

"Damn, Zoe...your grandmother sure is hairy." Takuya handed the wolf a razor. "Here, this might help you with your problem."

Kouji snatched it and put it on the nightstand. "Thanks, Jackass..."

Although Takuya had been too stupid to realize that Kouji wasn't Zoe's grandmother, Zoe knew better. Not only did the black fur give it away, but her grandmother was two hundred pounds heavier.

"Takuya, that's the wolf," she said as she rolled her eyes.

"It is?" Takuya blinked, then drew his knife. "Get outta here, you stupid wolf!"

"So you're not even gonna say 'Grandma! What big ears you have'? You suck at this!" Kouji complained.

However, the brunette stabbed him in the arm, causing the wolf to yelp. Zoe went to the broom closet, finding her grandmother tied up and writhing on the floor. Her grandmother, also known as J.P., had already eaten the apple that had been crammed into her mouth.

"Zoe! Get me out of here! And did you bring my basket of treats? They better be good, you stupid girl!" J.P. snarled.

However, while Takuya began to chase Kouji around the house with his blade, Zoe went over to a window and opened it. The trio of squirrels from earlier jumped into the house, which was convenient for Zoe. The homicidal flying squirrel, Kyo, went over to J.P. and began to maul her, while Kyosuke and Lance went over to raid the treats from the basket.

"Yay! These are waaaay better than acorns!" Kyosuke said happily as he bit into a cake.

"Mmmmm!" Lance shoved five pocky sticks into his mouth, watching in fascination as Kyo attacked the old woman.

J.P. screamed. "Aaaaaaaaah! Help meee! Zoe, get over here and get this squirrel offa me! You dumb brat!"

"Go fuck yourself," the blond replied, before walking away to see what was going on between Takuya and Kouji.

Blood sprayed all over Kyo and stained his dark blue fur as he continued to bite into J.P. "This bitch may be fat as fuck, but at least I still have no problem getting to her blood..."

Takuya hit Kouji with a coat rack, causing the wolf to go crashing out through the window and flying into the horizon.

"You bastard!" Kouji called. "When I get back, you'll be sorry!"

"...Ah, shit! I wanted to make a rug out of him!" Takuya facepalmed because of his stupidity.

So that tale ends with J.P. being mauled to death by an evil squirrel, and Takuya and Zoe hooking up in her fat grandmother's bed. Kyosuke and Lance had eaten everything in the basket, and were soon running around the house causing mayhem due to their high sugar intake. Kouji had crashed somewhere in the distance, landing right in front of a pig's house. The pig then captured him and invited his two brother's over for dinner. Once J.P. had been killed by Kyo, Zoe ended up inheriting everything in the will, including the house, as J.P. had hated Zoe's parents too much to leave them anything. Takuya and Zoe burned the house down since it was ugly and built a new one instead. They kept the three squirrels as pets, as they all turned out to be useful. Kyo killed anyone who came too close to the house...or anyone else he felt like killing, while Kyosuke and Lance provided entertainment during their sugar binges. Everyone lived happily ever after, which included Zoe's parents since they could now have sex as loud as they wanted with their daughter being gone. The end.

**And that is the end of this cracked-out fairy tale. I hope you enjoyed it and I my next one should be out within a week or so since I have a few other chapters and stories to work on. And yeah, I made J.P. a woman in this and screwed with the characters' ages as you can see ^_^**


	4. Chapter 4: Rapunzel

**We're moving back to the princess genre since fairy tales are fucking full of princess stories. Don't worry, chapter 6 will not be a princess story (5 will be) in case you don't enjoy them, though every single fairy tale I fuck with is fun to do. Plus princess ones equals more Takumi! Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter so please review when you're done reading it.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 4: Rapunzel**

Deep in the middle of nowhere, there was a girl who had been locked away in a high tower by a cruel witch. The girl's real name was Rapunzel, but she deemed the name to be too painstakingly stupid to call it her own. So she went by her middle name, Zoe. Her parents weren't very good in the naming department, so they were the ones to blame for the ridiculous idea. Parents in fairy tales seem to be incapable of naming their children with something that isn't completely moronic. This is why they are killed off half the time or run away to join the circus, never to be seen again by their families. They should really be given one of those baby naming books if they're _that _inept...Then maybe they'd make a damn cameo appearance more than once in a blue moon.

Anyway, one day Zoe wandered through the woods to escape from a family reunion. Her relatives from Japan were annoying enough as is, but the ones from Italy nearly drove her insane. They constantly complained that their pasta was too sticky and kept bitching about the fact that Zoe had blond hair. According to her intellectually-challenged relatives, if she were a real Italian, she would have dark hair and a darker complexion. Zoe had retaliated by telling them to fuck off and ran away.

While she muttered obsceneties, Zoe had run into a witch in the forest. The witch's broomstick had run out of gas and crashed, and her cat was unable to fly, so she was temporarily stuck there while wating on AAA to show up for assistance. Jealous of Zoe for no apparent reason, and the fact that half of her broom handle had lodged up her ass during the crash, the witch somehow made a tower grow out of the ground. She trapped Zoe inside, and caused the girl's hair to grow to a freakish length just to be sadistic bitch. Inside the tower was everything that a person would need, much like a miniature apartment. But there were no sharp objects whatsover, ruining any chances of Zoe being able to cut her hair shorter. The tower was too high to jump out of safely, so Zoe was stuck up there with no way out. Yes, the witch had strange issues and was on several medications to help her insanity.

The witch then left to get half of her broom towed, and the other half removed from her ass. Zoe's family forgot about her since they were extremely idiotic and couldn't find Zoe only a half mile away. Hell, they were the type of people who couldn't find their way out of a paper bag. And that included a map and a GPS system. Yeah, they were _that_ stupid.

Weeks passed and Zoe remained in her prison, wishing that someone would come along and rescue her from the tower. Either that or give her a damn pair of scissors...

"Cock-a-doodle-"

"Oh, shut up!"

The rooster outside was suddenly hit by an alarm clock, knocking the damn bird out cold. The alarm clock had been dropped out through the window of the tower, where Zoe was getting up to begin yet another aggravating day. As shown by the angry response to the rooster's wake-up call, Zoe was not much a of morning person. Hell, she hated every second of every day. Mornings were just the worst because the rooster was just that friggen obnoxious.

"Another day, another twenty-four hours I'll be locked in this stupid tower," Zoe muttered as she got out of bed. "Great..."

The girl tiredly made her way towards the bathroom, her long hair streaming behind her. Just like any other day, she got into the shower where it took her two hours just to wash and condition her hair. However, the witch had been kind enough to give her an endless supply of hot water. Yeah, strange witch... Anyway, it then took Zoe another hour just to dry her hair and then two hours to braid it.

Like she had been doing for the past three weeks, she put a backpack on and kept it unzipped. The blond then managed to stuff her braid into the backpack, as she didn't want it to get caught on anything. Once that had been done, she went to the window, picked up a megaphone and began to yell for help.

"HEY! SOMEBODY GET ME OUTTA THIS FUCKING TOWER ALREADY! OR GET ME A DAMN PAIR OF SCISSORS!"

_Meanwhile_

Deep in the woods, a loud galloping sound could be heard amongst the rabid woodland creatures, as rabid animals seem to have better senses than healthy ones. The galloping sound drew closer, indicating that a large horse was approaching with thundering clomps. However, after a moment, instead of seeing a horse go sprinting by, a motorcycle with an attached sidecar zoomed by.

"Takuya! Slow this fucking thing down, you idiot!"

Driving the motorcylce was a young prince named Takuya, who was also known as 'You Idiot'. Yes, he is a prince because god forbid a mere commoner should win a girl every once in awhile! Only in Aladdin's world is that possible and even then he is turned into a fucking prince! You gotta have the green if you wanna marry some attractive stranger who is completely in love with you without even knowing who the hell you are. And no, I'm not talking about weed. Anyway, seated in the sidecar was his best friend Kouji, who was wishing that he had written a will due to Takuya's wreckless driving. Clutched in Kouji's hands were two coconut halves, which he was banging together to make the galloping sound.

"Takuya, will you slow the hell down already? You're gonna get us killed!" he exclaimed, clacking the coconuts together. "And I can't believe you're making me ride in this stupid little sidecar! It's embarrassing!"

Takuya rolled his eyes. "Well, with the horses being in the shop to get fixed, I needed some other mode of transportation. So I hired some crazy inventor to make this strange contraption on wheels. I didn't feel like spending extra money for him to build one for you, so he just attached the little car to the side of it for you to ride in."

"I know that, you half-wit," Kouji hissed as he rolled his eyes. "I was there when you brought the horses there. But I still don't understand how you can put horses into a shop to get them fixed! They are animals, not machines! They should go to a vet! And why the hell do I have to bang these coconuts together? Moron! "

"So people think that I'm riding a horse!" Takuya shouted above the roar of the motor. "They'll think less of me if I'm not on a stupid horse! Though I must say, it is nice to ride something doesn't stop every thirty seconds to take a shit. I want you to bang those coconuts together so it sounds like a horse galloping! Now make sure the speakers are at the right volume so that they can be heard by everyone in this fucking forest!"

Kouji glared at his idiotic friend, adjusting the volume so loud that a bird crashed into a tree in surprise. "You're not fooling anyone, you jackass! It's obvious that you're riding a motorcycle and have speakers attached to try to make it sound like you're on a horse. Anyone who believes that you actually are on a horse is an even bigger idiot than you!"

"Why, thank you!" Takuya exclaimed proudly, not realizing just how stupid he was appearing. "Just keep banging those coconuts together!"

"That wasn't a compliment!" Kouji yelled, banging the coconut halves against each other.

The brunette had a sword at his waist above his left hip, though it was facing Kouji, much to the emo's dismay. Luckily, the blade was sheathed, as he would've been decapitated otherwise. Even so, the sword continued to whack him in the face, and Takuya was too lazy to shift it to his right hip. So Kouji continued to be pummeled upside the head with the godforsaken blade.

As they drove through the woods, they came across a young man at a wooden stand, as if he were selling something. He resembled Kouji, only he had shorter hair.

Takuya pulled his motorcycle over and looked at his raven-haired friend. "Hey, Kouji. How come you never told me you had a brother?"

"I have no brother!" Kouji spat. "He was kidnapped as a baby and is thought to be dead."

"I dunno..." Takuya looked back and forth between the two nearly identical young men. "You guys look like you could be twins."

The guy who looked like Kouji smirked. "Nah, I'm not his brother. Sure, I was adopted and stuff since I was kidnapped as a kid, but I'm sure as hell not related to that dude. I'm waaaay more attractive."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Takuya remarked, though seemed unsure of himself. "I'm not into guys, but I think you'd be the better looking one."

"Hey!" Kouji angrily huffed.

"Anyway, my name is Kouichi, and would I be able to interest you in buying my product?" he asked. "Today you can buy one and get one half off."

The sign on his stand read 'The Shawshake Redemption', though Takuya couldn't figure out what Kouichi was selling. He scratched his head, deep in thought as he tried to think of the answer.

"Do you sell...Sharpie Markers?" he asked.

"No. My stand is called 'The Shaw_shake _Redemption," Kouichi answered, holding up a cup. "Think long and hard."

Kouji snorted. "That'll only take about ten years...and this is _if _Takuya figures it out."

Takuya stared at the sign. "Pudding?"

"No," Kouichi replied. "Try again."

"Leather pants?"

"No."

"Pirated DVDs?"

"No."

"Stuffed penguins with googly eyes?"

Kouichi groaned. "No, you idiot! Though that last one is a good idea...better write that one down. Stuffed penguins...with...googly eyes... Yeah, those will sell..."

"Kouichi sells milkshakes, Moron!" Kouji growled to his idiotic friend. "Hence the name of his stand being 'The Shawshake Redemption'."

"I thought that it was a movie," Takuya said, looking at the sign again.

The short-haired guy refusing to believe that he's Kouji's twin rolled his eyes. "I wanted to think of a clever title, so I modified the title of _The Shawshank Redemption_. And I thought that people would understand it..."

"The average person would. Takuya, however, was dropped on his head as an infant...either that or he walks into way too many walls," Kouji muttered. "I'll get him out of your sight before he overwhelms you with his endless stupidity."

"Thank you! I shall never forget you!" Kouichi exclaimed. "Though I still deny that you're my brother, so get outta my sight!"

Kouji began to solemnly bang his coconut halves together again, signalling Takuya to continue driving through the woods. After five minutes of weaving in and out between trees, Takuya let out a disappointed moan.

"What's wrong?" Kouji asked, not really caring.

"I want a milkshake," Takuya mumbled. "Let's turn around to get one!"

"Ah, goddammit, Kanbara! I'm gonna beat you so bad that you'll be joining the horses in the shop!"

Takuya smiled at the idea. "If I go to the shop, maybe I'll come out looking all machine-like to resemble the Terminator."

"You're such a dumba-" Kouji was hit in the face with Takuya's sheathed sword as the brunette spun the motorcycle to make a doughnut in the ground. "Ow!"

_Back at the tower_

Zoe sank to the floor, having given up her daily routine of shouting for help though the megaphone. She banged her forehead up against the stone wall, letting out a groan of frustration.

"I'm never gonna get out of this damn tower... I swear, when I find that witch, I'm gonna stick an entire broomstick up her ass!" she hissed.

With a solemn look on her face, she heaved herself off the floor and flopped onto her bed. Grabbing the remote control, she began to flick through the channels.

"Well, I might as well watch some TV since there's really nothing else to do in here," Zoe muttered. "No books, no games, no internet, nothing!"

She went to the first channel, her expression immediately showing signs of annoyance. The first show on TV was _The History of the Leaning Tower of Pisa_. The last thing Zoe wanted was to be reminded of her situation, so she quickly changed the the channel to the next one. Popping onto the screen was _Construction of the Eiffel Tower_.

"What the fuck?" she growled, flicking the channel again. "No more damn towers."

_Tower of Terror_ popped onto the screen next, with Zoe's anger growing. Her eye twitched and went to the next channel, which was_ Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers_.

"Jeez! Isn't there anything on TV that doesn't have fucking towers?" she exclaimed, changing the channel yet again.

This time, on the screen was a group of animated monkeys, many of them swinging from trees. Although Zoe was not a big fan of what had popped onto the screen, she stuck with it.

"At least there are no towers," she remarked.

Just then, the monkeys jumped out of their trees and onto the ground, where they were surrounded by large piles of blocks. They began to build with the colorful blocks, all the while chanting the same line over and over again.

"Tower time! Tower time! Tower time! Tower time!"

Screaming in frustration, Zoe hurled her remote control across the room, where it struck the television set. The screen cracked and the picture went fuzzy, only to turn into a blank blue screen.

"Oh, look...it's my favorite show," Zoe said delusionally, rocking back and forth on her bed. "I love this part..."

However, in the distance she heard the sound of a galloping horse and the vague sound of a motor. In a hurry to get to the window, the blond nearly fell off her bed and onto the floor. Yet she had grabbed a nearby bungee cord to pull a _Mission Impossible_ stunt, keeping herself from crashing onto her face. Seconds later, she was looking out the window and scanning her surroundings like a madwoman.

"Yes! Maybe somebody finally decided to travel through these damn woods and can now get me out of this stupid tower," she said to herself.

Coming up from the horizon, a motorcycle was zooming towards the tower, two large speakers attached to it. Zoe raised an eyebrow, noticing that there was someone in a sidecar as well, who appeared to be continually smacked in the face with a sheathed sword. She could also see that the the galloping sound was coming from the same guy who being smacked in the face. He was banging two coconuts together for some strange reason. Yes, Zoe has good vision from that distance and even from the height of the tower.

"Good! Now's my chance!" she exclaimed, grabbing hold of her megaphone. "I better act all sweet and polite so that I don't scare them away..."

Turning the megaphone on, she leaned out the window and began to call at the oncoming travelers. The blond hoped that she could get their attention.

"Hello, there!" she cried out, using a lower volume of the megaphone. "Could you please assist me?"

Takuya, being the oblivious dope that he is, didn't even register that someone was in the tower. Kouji couldn't see anyone due to his face constantly being whipped by the sword, but he thought he could hear someone yelling.

"Hey, Takuya! Ow! I think-Ow!-that someone-Ow!-is calling to us-Ow!" Kouji tried to grab at the sword, but was unable to get a grip on it. "Ow! Stupid thing! Ow!"

Instead of listening to his angsty friend, Takuya simply drove around the tower in many circles, the galloping nearly deafening as it blared out of the speakers.

Frowning, Zoe decided to be a bit more assertive. "Hello! Excuse me? Could you please help me, good sir?"

"Hey, Kouji! Watch me do a wheelie!" The brunette grinned and leaned back on his motorcycle.

"Aaaah! Don't do that, you idiot! You're gonna make us crash with these stupid speakers weighing us down! Knock it-" Yet before Kouji could finish his sentence, he was once again smacked in the face with Takuya's sword. "Ah, goddammit!"

Realizing that the driver wasn't able to hear her, Zoe cranked up the volume a bit. "Excuse me!"

Yet Takuya was still unable to hear her over the roar of his engine and the obnoxious galloping. He was also a bit too thick-headed to notice her anyway, whom was practically hanging out of the window trying to get his attention.

"I think I should have my own theme song! What do you think, Kouji?" Takuya continued to drive around the tower, making a large doughnut in the dirt. "You can help me write the lyrics!"

Fuming, Zoe put down the megaphone and picked up a lamp instead. She waited a few seconds to watch Takuya circle around the tower, calculating the time it took for him to drive by directly under her high window. Deciding the time to be right, she dropped the lamp out of the window, hitting Takuya right on the head with it.

"HEY, STUPID! LISTEN TO ME!" she screamed.

Luckily for Takuya, he had been wearing a helmet, so he was not hurt by the lamp and was only alerted by Zoe's presence. Kouji, on the other hand, was suffering from a concussion since the lamp had hit him in the head after bouncing off Takuya's helmet. The brunette had been too cheap to supply his emo friend with a helmet, so Kouji had been shit out of luck on that instance.

Takuya looked up to see Zoe practically hanging out of the window. "Hi! What are you doing up in that tower?"

"A witch locked me in it because she had a broom stuck up her ass!" she called back down. "Could you please help me?"

"Sure! I'll do anything for a girl as pretty as you!" Takuya got off the motorcycle, leaving a half-comatose Kouji in the sidecar. "Don't mind my friend here, by the way. He's a bit slow if you know what I mean."

Kouji managed to flip him off, a bit of drool leaking down his face and a huge lump growing from the top of his head. "I...hate...you..."

Ignoring his friend, Takuya noticed that Zoe was wearing a backpack. "Hey, I notice that you're wearing a backpack! Are you going to school or something?"

"How can I go to school if I I'm stuck in this tower?" Zoe cried out, moving her arms around for emphasis. "I'm wearing a backpack because my hair is freakishly long and I don't wanna trip over it!"

"Then why don't you cut it?" Takuya asked. "If it's that long, why don't you just cut it shorter? Or better yet, why did you allow it to grow that long in the first place?"

"The witch put a curse on me! She made my hair grow to an insane length and didn't leave any sharp objects around for me to cut it. So if I have any hopes of chopping this godforsaken hair off, I gotta do it when you finally get me outta here!" Zoe rolled her eyes.

Takuya thought for a moment. "Hey! Why don't you throw your hair over the edge and I can climb up and get out you out of there?"

"First of all, if you think that you're climbing up my hair, you've got another thing coming, Bucko! And even if I did let you climb up my hair, how would that fix the situation? You'd be trapped in the tower too!" she pointed out.

"Not if I climb back down using your hair," Takuya said with a smile.

Zoe shook her head. "Either way, you are NOT climbing up my damn hair. Think of a different way to get me down from here."

"Okay, I'll be right back!" With that, the brunette ran off in pursuit of something useful.

"I hope he gets back soon. I really wanna get the hell outta this-"

"I'm back!" Takuya shouted, interrupting Zoe mid-sentence. "I found this ladder! Now I can come up and get you out!"

However, Zoe sweatdropped as she realized the ladder was only six feet long, and she was stuck nearly twenty feet off the ground. Yet Takuya attempted to climb it anyway, much to her annoyance.

"Um, that's not gonna work," she told him.

"Eh, I know what I'm doing!" Takuya replied dismissively. "By the way, I'm Takuya. And you sure are lucky that I showed up. We'll think of a form of payment later."

The blond's eye twitched slightly as he climbed up to the highest rung and was still not even close to the window. "Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And my name is Zoe, though I'm sure you already knew that..."

The witch had installed a neon sign that read 'Zoe's Tower' before AAA had picked her up. The one good thing about the tower was the fact that Zoe didn't have to pay any bills. People are right when they say freedom isn't free. Hell, soon air won't even be free anymore! Two cents for every time you breathe in and out. _That's_ what the world is coming to; a stupid wasteland full of greedy bastards that like to tax everyone up their asses...

After several minutes, the dim-witted prince realized that he, in fact, could not climb up to the window using the ladder. Took him long enough to figure that one out.

"I guess I can't reach you just by using this," he called up to Zoe. "But don't worry, Sweetums! I'll get you out of there in no time!"

Zoe wanted to smack him for calling her 'Sweetums', but she couldn't do that since he was her only hope of being rescued. "Okay, Takuya. I know you'll find a way."

"But...what's my motivation?" he asked once he had climbed back down.

"What?" Zoe frowned, unsure of what he was getting at.

Takuya threw the ladder aside to get it out of the way. Kouji, who had just been starting to regain his wits, was smacked directly in the head with it, therefore going back into his half-comatose state. That kid's gonna need some serious mental rehabilitiation by the time he and Takuya get back to the palace.

"What's my motivation for getting you out of the tower?" Takuya asked Zoe.

The girl groaned. "Your motivation is knowing the fact that I want to get out of here! I've been trapped for about three weeks now and I want to get out and be free again!"

Takuya thought for a moment. "I see what you're getting at... But _I'm_ not trapped in the tower so I don't know if that can motivate me."

"Fine! I'll give you the biggest kiss of your life if you get me out of here!" Zoe cried out, on the verge of killing him. "Now get me out of this tower right now before I just jump down and use you to break my fall!"

"Okay! Deal!" he said happily. "Now let me find something else to get you down!"

After many failed attempts, which included a catapult which sent him crashing into the side of the tower, Takuya was running out of options. He thought to himself for several seconds, then grinned.

"Ah-ha! I've got the solution!" He rushed over to his motorcycle, getting an item out of the trunk of the tiny sidecar. "This will work for sure!"

Zoe, who had nearly fallen asleep during the wait, glanced over at him. "Oh? And what is it?"

"A jetpack!" Takuya told her as he put it on. "I had one in the trunk!"

"WHAT?" The blond couldn't believe it. "You mean that you had a jetpack the entire time? Why the fuck didn't you just use it in the first place?"

Takuya shrugged nonchalantly. "I dunno."

Before Zoe could throw anything at him, he had already started it up and was making his way up to her window. Seconds later, he was standing in her window, holding his arms out.

"Okay, come on. Let's get you out. I don't know how much gas is left in this thing," he told her.

Zoe climbed up onto the window and wrapped her arms around his neck while his encircled her waist. Holding onto her tightly, he flew them back down to the ground before the jetpack ran out of fuel. While Zoe jumped for joy of finally be free, Takuya smiled and threw his jetpack aside.

Kouji glanced over, a glazed look on his face. "Oh, you got her o-"

He was then hit in the head with the jetpack, being rendered completely unconscious as his concussion began to kick in. Ignoring his brain-damaged friend, Takuya stared at Zoe.

"Well, a deal's a deal," he said. "Can I have my form of payment?"

Without a word, Zoe grabbed his shoulders and pushed him up against the building. She then leaned up and pressed her lips against his, giving him the biggest kiss of his life. The kiss was soft, yet passionate, which was epically perfect. As Zoe pulled away, Takuya just stood there with a goofy grin on his face as he was in La-La Land. The blond took his sword out of his sheath and chopped her braid off just below her shoulders, finally ridding herself of the annoying burdan.

"I'm so glad I was able to cut off my hair," she said to herself happily as she unbraided her hair. "Now it won't take me five hours to do it anymore!"

Takuya snapped out of his daydream as Zoe put his sword back. "So, where are you gonna go now? Home?"

"Shit...I didn't even think of that," Zoe remarked after a moment. "I could go back home, but I sure as hell don't want to. My family didn't make any attempt to find me and forgot about me."

"Maybe they couldn't find you," Takuya speculated.

The blond rolled her eyes. "They only live a half mile away from this tower. And I know that they could see the flashing neon sign in the front. So yeah, they forgot I was their daughter, the idiots..."

"Wanna live with me in my palace?" he asked her. "After an epic kiss like that, it means that we're destined to be together!"

Zoe shrugged. "Eh, sure. Let's go."

Takuya climbed onto the motorcycle with Zoe getting on behind him. He handed her a secret helmet that he had not informed Kouji about, whom was still out cold. Zoe then wrapped her arms around his waist and clung onto him as they drove off into the horizon. Yet before they had left, Takuya had fastened strings to Kouji's arms and hands and pulled on them to make the raven-haired man bang the coconuts together once again. As usual, the prince and his beloved were married the next day while Kouji was forced to continue banging the coconuts together in his comatose state. And they all lived happily ever after.

**And that concludes chapter 4 of my story. I hope you liked it, so please review and let me know if you did. I won't say which fairy tale will be done next, but I will give you guys a heads-up by telling you that it'll be a bit lemony. But that is all I'm saying. See ya until next time and I'm gonna try to work on the second half of "Whispering Corridors" before I do chapter 5 of this story.**


	5. Chapter 5: Sleeping Beauty

**Okay, this is last update that I will have since I'm going on my two-week hiatus. The only exception I will make is for "Tormented Soul", since it's a collab fic. But my co-author and I are doing alternating chapters and since he hasn't finished his yet, I won't be working on mine until his is done. I might still be around to read and review other stories, but I'll be too busy to update mine. But when I get back, I'll be coming back with another multi-chapter story that's going to be filled with violence, gore, and twisted lemons. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter so please review if you can.**

**Warning: This chapter contains a bit of lemon. Viewer descretion is advised, but I promise not to go too overboard.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 5: Sleeping Beauty**

A long time ago, or something at that sort, a king and queen of a faraway kingdom decided to have a baby. Well, it's more accurate to say that the king was horny one night and nine months later, his wife gave birth. But nevertheless, they were actually happy to have a baby and didn't care about that fact that she was a girl. Wow, for once we're witnessing a sane set of parents! Now let's read the baby's birth certificate to see what her name is...Zoe! Holy shit, a normal name and not something stupid like Sassafrass or Bruhmhilda! What a fucking miracle! Anyway, to celebrate the birth of their baby daughter, the king and queen, who we'll call Jack and Jill, decided to host an extravagent party. Everyone in the village was invited, as well as the king from the next town over, who was the Jack's best friend. We'll call the other king Walter for the hell of it. Walter had a young son named Takuya, who was about three years old and was betrothed to Zoe since that's how royalty rolls. So they, along with everyone else in town, attended the party, where three fairies were special guests.

"Let go of that punch, Kouji! That's mine!"

"No, you let go, Kouichi! I had it first!"

"Did not! I spiked it with this rum! So give me my rum punch!"

"You're such a damn alcoholic! Why do people think that you're the good twin? Ya rat bastard!"

Two of the fairies were twin brothers named Kouichi and Kouji, who were currently fighting over a damn cup of juice. The third fairy, Tommy, watched with amusement as they continued to bicker over the said drink. Yet unbeknownst to the brothers, a little kid snuck by and stole the alcoholic beverage, as they had set it down to draw their wands.

"I'll fight you to the death for that drink!" Kouichi exclaimed, adjusting his gray robe. "Don't think that I won't!"

Kouji snickered as his blue robe flaired. "Bring it on, Sister!"

Tommy chuckled under his breath as he watched the little kid downing the stolen drink, soon to become intoxicated by its high alcohol content. He rolled his eyes and looked for his own wand, pulling it out of the sleeve of his green robe.

"Well, while you guys continue fight over your cup of juice, I'm gonna go speak with the king and queen and congratulate them," he said as he flew by.

"It's not juice! It's punch!" Kouji and Kouichi angrily replied unanimously before glaring back at each other. "And stop saying what I'm saying! Hey! Cut it out! I swear to god, dude, I'm gonna roll you downtown! Stop it! Gah, I hate you!"

Ignoring the twins, Tommy made his way over to King Jack and Queen Jill, who were accompanied by King Walter and Prince Takuya. "Congratulations King Jack and Queen Jill! You have the most beautiful daughter in all the land."

"Ya hear that?" Queen Jill cried out triumphantly to the crowd. "I have the most beautiful daughter in the land! My kid is the cutest! Ahahahaha! I win!"

King Jack chuckled and pulled his wife back down onto her throne. "Easy there, Jill. This isn't a contest. And we don't want to anger the disgruntled parents who didn't give birth to Zoe."

Tommy looked at Takuya, who was fidgeting by Walter's side. "And this is our princess's future husband, I see. What a fine boy you've got there, King Walter."

"Daddy! I gotta go potty!" Takuya suddenly complained to his father. "I gotta go potty _now_!"

King Walter sighed. "But I told you to go before we left! Why didn't you?"

"I dunno! But now I do gots to go!" the three year-old boy whined. "And I hope you brought my dinosaw Pull-Ups! Those are the bestest!"

"Argh, fine..." Walter took his son by the hand, then began to lead him away. "But first, do you wanna see the baby?"

Takuya sighed. "Okay, fine. But make it quick, I gotta go number one _and_ two!"

"Beautiful, just fucking beautiful," King Walter muttered as he pulled his son over to Zoe's cradle.

"Haha, fucking," Takuya laughed.

Walter looked at his son sharply. "Don't repeat the words I say! Especially the swear words! Now here's Princess Zoe, your future wife."

Takuya stood up on the little step stool, peering over the edge of the cradle. "Why's she sleeping?"

"Because she's a baby and needs a lot of sleep," his father replied. "You slept a lot when you were her age."

The brunette got off the stool and frowned. "Is she gonna have that binky when we get married?"

"No, you'll both be much older at that point and she won't have a binky anymore. Isn't she cute?"

"Eh, she's alright I guess. Now come on, potty time!" the impatient boy demanded.

King Jack suddenly rose from his throne. "It is now time for our three fairies to present Princess Zoe with their magical gifts!"

"Oh, this is the good part! You can hold it, Takuya! Let's see what's gonna happen!" King Walter dragged Takuya back over towards the front where the other party guests were standing.

"If I can't hold it, I'm blaming you," his son informed him blatantly.

"Yeah, whatever. Now be quiet!"

Yet as Kouji and Kouichi joined Tommy, who was already standing near the king and queen, Takuya bursted into laughter. "Hahahahahahaha! Those fairies are boys!"

"Hey! Pipe down, kid! There's nothing wrong with being a boy fairy!" Kouji angrily retorted.

"Then why are you wearing a dress?" Takuya quipped.

Kouji huffed. "It's a robe! Not a dress! Insolent little brat..."

"That's what my nanny calls me," the little boy told him.

"I'm sure..." Kouji landed beside his fellow fairies, trying to ignore the bratty child's comments. "It's a robe..."

Queen Jill took Zoe out of her cradle, showing off her adorable baby for everyone to see. "You see her cute blond hair? And her peachy complexion? And if her eyes were open, you'd see her gorgeous green eyes! And she's dressed in pink because she's a girl and pink is the generic color for a baby girl!"

"That's enough, Jill," King Jack said calmly. "Make sure you take your pill later."

"I already did," Jill replied, then hugged her baby close. "She's just so fucking cute!"

"My daddy uses that word, too!" Takuya announced loudly.

Walter looked at his son angrily. "Quiet!"

Jack looked at the crowd of party guests. "As I was saying, it is time for the three fairies to present gifts to bestow upon our daughter. Tommy, you may go first."

Tommy stepped forward and waved his wand in a fancy pattern. "I gave Zoe the gift of being an awesome video game player. That will help her in real life, because if she's a good shooter in the games, then she will probably be good at shooting people in real life as well. This will come in handy if someone tries to mug her."

"Hm, interesting," the king mused.

Queen Jill beamed. "Thank you, Tommy. Kouji, you may go next."

Kouji stepped forward, then waved his wand in a different pattern. "I gave Zoe the gift of being freakishly hot and sexy. Not saying that she wouldn't have grown up to be hot and sexy, but it's always good to have insurance. And as a real deal-breaker, she is also going to have amazing skills in the sack."

King Jack smiled, though he probably should've been slightly worried. "Now it is time for our third and final fairy, Kouichi, to present his gift to the princess."

"Sure thing." Just as Kouichi was about to wave his wand, there was a loud boom in the center of the room, and a large billow of smoke appeared.

Frightened guests ran away from the spectacle and for some reason, the air seemed to fill with the aroma of salami.

"What's going on?" the queen cried out.

A deep laugh was heard and once the smoke had finally cleared, a portly man holding a stick of salami stepped forward. It was none other than the evil sorceror, J.P., who had been banned from the kingdom after he had tried to cheat in a game of Monopoly with the king. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't shrunk the kingdom's workers and made them the little playing pieces.

"Well, well, well..." J.P. grinned, taking a bite of his meat stick. "I see we're having a party. Yet it seems that I never received an invitation."

"It got lost in the mail," the queen quickly stated. "So sorry."

The king looked at his wife, an eyebrow raised. "No, he was banned from the kingdom after that board game incident. Don't you remember?"

"Shut up," Jill hissed.

"Oh." Jack tugged at his collar, realizing his mistake. "My bad..."

J.P. shuffled his foot nonchalantly. "It's a pity that I wasn't invited, for I too have a gift for her."

"Oh, really? What is it?" Jack asked.

"Actually, it's on layaway right now, but I still have a back-up present." J.P. waved his stick of salami, as it served as a wand as well, flashing a beam of green light at Zoe. "Muahahahahaha! It's been done!"

Queen Jill laid the baby back in her cradle, then stormed over to J.P., where she began to beat him with her gold sceptor. "What did you do to my daughter, you son of a bitch! I swear, I'll break your damn legs for what you did!"

"Aaaaaah!" J.P. tried to defend himself by blocking the blows with his arms. "Take it easy, Lady! All I did was put a curse on her!"

Jack pulled his wife away from the sorceror, but not before she hit J.P. one last time in the face with her sceptor. "What is this curse that you speak of?"

"Eh, nothing too serious. Just on the eve of her eighteenth birthday, she'll get pricked by a sharp object and will die," J.P. replied nonchalantly, using his black sleeve to wipe the blood seeping out of his nostril from getting hit by the queen. "Happy birthday!"

With that, the large sorceror disappeared in another puff of smoke, though he dropped half of his salami stick on the floor in the process. One of the party guests looked around all shifty-eyed, before scooting over to the stick, picking it up, and running away with it as he stuffed it into his mouth.

The king and queen stared at each other anxiously, then looked down into Zoe's cradle. The baby had woken up since the incident and looked as through she were trying to throw her pacifier at Kouji's ponytail. She missed narrowly by mere millimeters.

Tommy beamed. "See, she's already good at aiming."

"Now what are we going to do?" Jill asked, burying her face in her hands.

"I...I don't know..." Jack's voice trailed off as he drew a blank.

"Hey! I didn't give the princess my gift yet! So I'll do it now!" Kouichi jumped up and down excitedly as he waved his wand. "I'm going to make it so that the curse won't kill Zoe, but will put her into a deep slumber instead. She will be awakened by true love's first kiss...heheh...true love's first kiss...that's so corny... But anyway, as a special bonus feature because today is Saturday, whoever is the lucky bastard who wakes her will get a special surprise."

Jill smiled. "Well, that's good. But we should go through desperate lengths to protect her. How should we go about this?"

"I know!" King Jack exclaimed, then pointed to the trio of fairies. "You three will take Zoe and raise her somewhere else until the day before her eighteenth birthday! And then you'll bring her back to castle and so on and so forth!"

Kouji's eyes bulged out. "B-but we don't know the first thing about raising a baby!"

"Then watch this tape!" Jack handed him a copy of the movie _Three Men and a Baby_. "Study it night and day, for you'll be taking Zoe on Monday night!"

Tommy looked at Zoe thoughtfully. "This is definitely going to be interesting..."

"We're gonna raise a cute little baby, and then a cute little girl, and then a cute little teenage girl, and then -" Kouichi suddenly went quiet. "Ah, fuck, she's gonna grow up to be a teenager! Dammit! Why do kids have to grow up?"

King Walter sighed. "I feel your pain. Takuya's gonna be a teenager before her. Oh, speaking of which, let's bring you to the bathroom, Takuya."

"I don't gotta go no more," Takuya replied nonchalantly. "I'm gonna get a cookie."

"Wait, what do you mean that you don't have to go anymore?" Walter demanded, before realization kicked in. "Oh, shit!"

The little boy nodded. "Yup. I told ya that I couldn't hold it. I blame you."

"Goddammit!"

Two days later, the three not-so-masculine boy fairies left the castle in the middle of the night, taking Zoe with them. Everyone figured that it was for the best so that J.P. the salami-eating sorceror couldn't find her and try to kill her. The kingdom went into a severe depression due to the absence of their princess, and the town doctor ran out of the anti-depression pills only about a week later. The king and queen were the most devastated by the loss, because for once, the parents in the a fairy tale actually give a shit about their kid. They would not see their daughter again for nearly eighteen years after that last night together.

The fairies and Zoe relocated in the-you guessed it!- the woods! Wow, what a surprise! I did _not _see that one coming. Note the sarcasm there... Anyway, Kouichi, Kouji, and Tommy were not allowed to fly or use their magical powers, as they didn't want the fat sorceror to find them. So they moved into a tiny isolated hut and raised the baby girl, almost accidentally killing her a few times due to their stupidity and clumsiness. They never revealed that they were fairies or that she was the princess. Zoe grew up into a gorgeous teenager who was good at video games and kissing, though she had never been kissed before. Her three 'uncles' forbade her against having a boyfriend, though the chances of a guy wandering through the woods was unlikely. So they allowed to her venture through the forest whenever she pleased. Little did they know that Prince Takuya happened to be walking around the forest on particular day and ran into Zoe.

To skip the usual shit to get onto more exciting events, let's just say that Takuya and Zoe immediately fell in love. Once again, I did _not_ see that one coming. And once again, note the sarcasm... Takuya didn't know that she was the princess and thought that she was an ordinary peasant girl. Though he probably should've put two and two together since he knew that the princess had been put into hiding the woods and was looked after by her three 'uncles'. Yes, Takuya lacks intelligence in every story so far. But hey, maybe when pigs begin to fly, he'll start to use more than one brain cell.

Anyway, Zoe came back to the cottage, excited her about meeting with the hot yet stupid prince. However, that was the eve of her eighteenth birthday, so her uncles finally revealed that she was, indeed, the princess and had to be sent back to the castle. Moving along, the four of them returned to the kingdom, where J.P. had been awaiting their arrival. He kind of figured that she would be returning on that particular day and plotted to kill her. Nobody had been intelligent enough to keep Zoe in hiding for one extra day once her eighteenth birthday had passed, or else they could've avoided the whole situation. But to make a long story short, J.P. stabbed Zoe in the arm with a magical fork, 'killed' her, and then vanished with a crazy laugh. The fairy boys put her into the tallest tower of the castle, hoping that someone would come along to wake her up. Oh, and the rest of the kingdom had overdosed from their medication and were passed out in the hallways. Two days after the fatal fork stabbing, Takuya was making his way towards the kingdom.

"Fuck, I think we're lost," Takuya mused as he rode his horse past a tree. "Why do we always get lost?"

"Because you're an idiot who doesn't know where the stupid castle is," his horse, Melvin, replied. "You've only been there about a million times, so you should know where the hell it is."

Takuya snorted. "I didn't ask you, lowly horse! And next time I want an opinion from you, I'll ask! Maybe I should get a GPS system installed so that I don't get lost. I don't understand maps, and if you think that I'm pulling over for directions, you're sadly mistaken."

Melvin glanced back at him in horror. "You can't put a GPS system on a horse! Are you insane or are you just _that_ dumb?"

"Hey! I resent that!" the brunette shot back. "And I just remembered where were are! So I don't have to install that GPS...yet..."

"Moron..." The horse continued his way forward. "So, anyway, did you hear what happened?"

"No. What happened?" Takuya asked.

Melvin continued to trot forward. "The princess has returned after eighteen years and is in the top of the tower, in a deep sleep."

"Really? Where'd you hear that?" the prince inquired. "Are you gossiping again?"

"No! Everyone knows about it, except you apparently. And since you're betrothed to her, it's only right if you go to the tower and wake her up. All you have to do is kiss her and she'll wake up from her slumber."

Takuya sighed. "I don't want to. I want to marry the girl I met in the woods."

"She _is_ the girl from the woods, Stupid! I told you this a million times! That girl you met was actually the princess in hiding, but now she's returned to the castle. And then that sorceror, J.P. or whatever his name is, stabbed her with a sharp object, or in this case a fork, and put the curse on her. Now she's passed out, waiting for someone to come along and wake her up," Melvin informed him.

"Awesome! So not only do I get the princess, but I get the girl from the woods! I get two girls!" Takuya exclaimed happily.

If Melvin had the ability to facepalm, he would've. Instead, he continued his way towards the castle, looking around to see if there were any cliffs nearby. Unfortunately for him, there were none. Just as Melvin and Takuya-

"Hey! Why is the horse being referred to before me? It should be Takuya and Melvin!" Takuya angrily shouted. "Not the other way around."

Fine, you dolt. Just as Takuya and Melvin got a bit closer to the castle, J.P. jumped out of the shadows.

"Why, hello there!" J.P. said with a maniacal grin on his face. "Do you remember me?"

Takuya thought for a moment. "Uh...no."

"Oh." J.P. scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Yeah, you were only three back then...but anyway, I am the one who cursed Princess Zoe! And if you want to get to her, then you'll have to get past me first!"

The prince grinned and got off his horse, drawing his sword. "This should be a piece of cake!"

"Cake! Where?" The fat sorceror looked around hungrily. "I want some cake!"

Takuya sweatdropped. "Um, it's a figure of speech."

"What? No, it's a food! Cake is a type of food!" J.P. retorted.

Melvin rolled his eyes and wandered away. "This guy's an even bigger idiot than Takuya...never thought I'd see that day where that would happen."

"Anyway, since you lied about the cake, I will make sure your death is painful!" J.P. growled.

Takuya groaned in frustration. "I didn't lie, you moron. It was a figure of speech! And anyway, how do you plan on killing me? Sitting on me and crushing me with your weight?"

"Sure, make fun of the fat guy," he muttered flatly. "Those jokes are getting old! And I'm not fighting you in this form, I'm fighting you in...um...a different form!"

"No! Don't tell me you're gonna turn into a dragon!" Takuya smacked himself in the forehead with the flat side of the sword. "Why can't they ever turn into a fluffy bunny or something?"

J.P. scoffed. "I'm not turning into a dragon! And I'm sure as hell not turning into a fucking bunny rabbit! I'm turning into this!"

He spun around in a circle, red smoke billowing around him as he grew in size. The sorceror laughed like a lunatic as he was completely engulfed by the smoke, while Takuya looked around for his horse.

"Dammit, Melvin! I can't believe you're abandoning me like this!" he complained.

"Well, believe it!" Melvin took off into the horizon, leaving behind a fuming prince.

Yet Takuya didn't have enough time to bitch amongst himself as the smoke finally cleared, revealing J.P.'s new form. His eyes widening in surprise, he couldn't help but stutter his next sentence.

"J-J.P t-turned into B-Bowser!" he stammered.

It was true. Instead of a traditional dragon, J.P. had transformed into Bowser from the Mario franchise. He had spikes on his turtle shelled-back, orange hair and thick eyebrows, a reptilian-like body, and horns on his head.

"If you want to free Princess Peach, you'll have to throw me into the fire!" Bowser shouted as fire spurted from the ground.

"It's Princess Zoe, not Peach!" Takuya corrected him.

Bowser rolled his eyes. "Whatever!"

He leapt forward, causing the ground to quake beneath Takuya's feet. The brunette struggled to keep his balance, then attempted to lash out at Bowser. Yet the sword had no effect since Bowser aka J.P.'s skin had thickened enough so that the blade couldn't penetrate it.

"Oh, shit!" Takuya ran as his enemy spit out a mouth full of fire.

The flame hit him directly in the ass, and he quickly threw himself down on the ground and rolled around. Bowser laughed evily as he watched, while the three fairy boys appeared in their colorful dresses.

"Robes! They are robes!" Kouji snapped.

Psh, call them whatever you want. Anyway, they noticed that Takuya was in peril and that the authoress didn't feel like continuing the fight scene for too much longer. So they put their magical skills together and made Takuya's sword a billion times stronger. However, the prince had decided to try his luck by grabbing onto Bowser's tail and swinging him round and round like Mario had to do in the one of the levels in _Mario 64_. He managed to toss the Koopa (or whatever Bowser is) into one of the billows of fire. Takuya then threw his sword at him, slicing directly through Bowser's chest and impaling his heart. J.P. reverted back to his normal form, collapsing off a cliff that magically appeared thanks to our fairy friends in their dresses.

"DAMN YOU! THEY'RE ROBES!" the little emo having the conniption cried out like a toddler. "AND STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!"

To make a long story short, J.P. died and Takuya ran up to the tower while Kouji continued to cry. Kouichi and Tommy had decided to ignore him and left him whining outside the castle while they went inside to grab themselves a congratulatory beer. Takuya climbed to the top of his tower, cursing the fact that the seat of his pants were burnt to a crisp.

"Fuck! The seat of my pants are burnt to a crisp!" he exclaimed, not paying attention what the authoress had just written.

Luckily for him, Tommy did a quick little spell to fix his pants so that he didn't look like a complete idiot. Anyway, with his newly fixed pants, Takuya entered the little bedroom that Zoe was being kept in, making his way over to her bed. He sat down beside her, stroking her long blond hair.

"They said that I need to kiss her into to wake her up," he mused, before grinning to himself. "But that kiss can wait a bit..."

Takuya slid down the bodice of her dress, immediately finding her bra-covered breasts. He gently slid them out of his way, letting his tongue lower to her nipples. Her smooth skin was warm to the touch, and the brunette couldn't help but continue to molest her. After he assaulted her breasts for several minutes, he stripped out of his clothes, discarding them off to the side.

"I think I deserve a little present for killing that bastard," he said to himself as he climbed on top of her.

However, as much as he wanted to screw the hell out of her, he couldn't bring himself to do it in her helpless state. Sighing, Takuya decided to just kiss her to wake her up, though he desperately wanted more.

Zoe's eyes slowly opened, and she soon realized that the there was a naked guy on top of her. She quickly recognized him to be the prince she had met in the woods and wrapped her arms around him.

"It's you!" She pressed her lips up against him. "I'm so glad that found me and killed some type of video game villain. Yes, I know what happened because I had a weird dream like I was on acid or something. But anyway, since you woke me up, you get a special reward!"

Zoe pushed Takuya off of her and hurriedly put his manhood into her mouth, catching the brunette by surprise.

"Ohh...that feels good," Takuya moaned as a goofy grin spread over his face. "Now I'm glad I didn't just have sex with you in your sleeping state."

"Guess what we're gonna do next," she teased, before bobbing her head up and down, putting him into a world of ecstasy.

By now the rest of the kingdom had woken up from their drug-induced stupors and could hear Takuya's loud noises of pleasure. They all put on their headphones to drown out those sounds, and had to crank up the volume even louder as the minutes ticked by.

The three fairy boys waited outside the door to the top of the tower, each of them holding a cup against it to hear better. Tommy looked surprised and slightly disturbed, Kouichi was mentally cheering despite the fact that they had raised Zoe not to go near boys, and Kouji was still complaining about his dress.

"IT'S A FUCKING ROBE! A ROBE! NOT A DRESS!" he continued to bitch and cry like a little baby. "AND STOP CALLING ME NAMES! I'M NOT A BABY! AND I'M NOT BITCHING!"

Normally, Takuya and Zoe would've heard the loud complaints coming from the ponytailed boy fairy, but they were currently off in their own little sex-induced world. Zoe had stripped her clothes off as well, and now Takuya was pounding into her, their sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other.

"Oh, god! Harder!" Zoe screamed, gripping onto his shoulders.

Takuya did so, then let out a triumphant laugh. "I'm sure your parents are fucking ecstatic to have me as their new son-in-law! I'm banging the hell out of their daughter!"

From downstairs, King Jack and Queen Jill had not heard the comment, for they too, were locked away in their own bedroom having a short session. Although Takuya was not the brightest bulb, they accepted him as their son-in-law since they had no clue how intensely he was deflowering their daughter. They were happy in their oblivion, as Takuya and Zoe were happy in theirs. Even Melvin the horse had a little sex buddy, since he had come across a female horse during his escape. The only one who was miserable was Kouji, because the bastard is never happy and is alway sulking about something stupid. In this case, it's his dress.

"DAMN YOU, WOMAN!" he cried out, waving his wand. "I'LL TEACH YOU TO CALL THIS A DRESS!"

He waved his wand, but the authoress held up a mirror, which deflected the magical spell. Instead, Kouji was hit by his own attack, and was thrown into a wall, wearing a puffy pink ball gown with several bows and ribbons. Now he really is in a dress...

Kouji threw his hands up in the air dramatically. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Okay, that was the last chapter of this story that will updated for a little while. I'll be back in a few weeks to work on the next one, but don't expect it to be much sooner. Anyway, if there are any requests, let me know, for I already have a few already in the words. They include "Beauty and the Beast", "Hansel and Gretal", and "The Swan Princess". Let me know how you liked this chapter with a review ^_^**


	6. Chapter 6: Hansel and Gretel

**We're taking another break from the whole princess genre, but don't worry, there'll still be plenty of Takumi! I have absolutely nothing else interesting to say (as usual), so go ahead and read the chapter. And then review...you know, leave a comment...I'm sure that a bit of bribery is in order for a comment...**

**Oh! Now I have something semi-important-not-really news...maybe...what was I saying? *blinks in confusion for several seconds* Okay, now I remember. Yeah, this Thursday or Friday I will be posting the first chapter of my new story "Losing Control".**

**Takuya: Is it any good?**

**Me: No, not at all! ^_^ But it contains bloodshed, lemons, insanity (not the funny crack kind), and other themes that people usually find exciting. Or is 'disturbing' the word that I'm looking for? *blinks in confusion for another thirty seconds* Anyway, please enjoy this chapter while I enjoy this bowl of chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cups in it!**

**Takuya: Ohh, can I have some?**

**Me: Minez! *hugs the bowl protectively while eye twitches* **

**Takuya: O_O;**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 6: Hansel and Gretel**

Once upon a grime-I mean time! Sorry, they rhyme...and so does that! Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl wandering around aimlessly. You see, they were on their way to a party at their friend Kouji's house, and had decided to take a shortcut through the mall. Just kidding! They're walking through the woods! Ain't that one a surprise! Never would've guessed because obviously all fairy tales take place in downtown neighborhoods where crack is sold for one hundred dollars per eightball. But this is a fairy tale, so the authoress will refrain from mentioning the poor man's cocaine a second time as soon as she is done with this line. Ah...that's the stuff...

Anyway, most people think that the two forest wanderers are young, Swedish siblings named Hansel and Gretel. Well for everyone's information, they're not. First of all, the two forest wanderers have reached their teenaged years, so that explains the bottle of booze in the guy's pocket. If they were children, do you honetly think that their parents would let them venture into the woods unsupervised? Then again, parents of these types of stories usually don't care about their children's well-being, as stated in almost every other chapter. Second of all, these teenagers are not Swedish, but Japanese. Well, the guy is Japanese and the girl is half-Japanese and half-Italian. Pretty sure about that one... So right there is another common misconception. Third of all, they are not siblings, but are instead a cute non-Swedish couple. The last mistake that people make are their names. Sure, the boy is usually called 'Hansel' and the girl 'Gretel' in this tale. But since they are not Swedish, and the fact that those names were recently taken as aliases by a pair of notorious bank robbers, they will not be called 'Hansel in Gretel'. Instead, they will be called 'Takuya and Zoe'. You can guess who is who.

Sure, maybe in the orginal non-cracked version, Hansel and Gretel weren't on their way to a party. So what if they might've been abandoned in the woods by their whore stepmother and their father who obviously had no backbone to stand up for his kids... But since these two are not siblings, then it wouldn't have worked out by ditching them in the woods and leaving them to die. They would've just gone to the other one's house and go from there. So a journey to a party is the way to go! But if it's any consolation, Takuya's father is a borderline alcoholic and Zoe's stepmother is the town whore. So yay to dysfunctional parents and stepparents!

Moving along, the two lovebirds had been invited to a party and had to walk since there were no cars. The cars had all rebelled and turned into Transformers, before all exploding in a huge brawl. The scrap metal pieces were still in the process of being gathered up. But anyway, since our lovely couple had to walk, Takuya decided that they should cut through the woods to get to their destination quicker. So once again, it is Takuya's fault for everything that goes on in the past, present, and future.

"I'm pretty sure we're lost," Zoe mused as she gazed around. "We already passed this tree like three times."

"We are not lost," Takuya replied merrily as he dragged his blond girlfriend along. "I know exactly where we are! Besides, all of the trees look the same, so there's no way in hell that you would be able to tell that we passed the same one three times already."

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Do you see any other trees that look like that one?"

The tree she was referring to had a large carving in its bark that read 'You idiots are going around in a circle'.

"Psh, I've seen plenty like that one," the brunette said as they continued to wander through the woods.

"Where?" Zoe sighed and let out an irritated groan. "Why don't you admit that we're lost? We're going in circles, so therefore, we don't know where the hell we're going!"

Takuya waved his hand dismissively. "No offense, Zoe, but women aren't very good with directions. So just leave the navigating to me."

"Excuse me? If you're so good at navigation, then why are we lost?" she demanded. "At least women will ask for directions while men refuse to do it!"

"That's because we men don't need to ask for directions. Women need maps, GPS systems, and a man if they want to get somewhere," he told her. "It's okay, Zoe. Women don't have to be good with directions, that's why men were created. To lead the women."

The blond glared at him, then gave him a kick in the nuts. "You're such a sexist bastard! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't beat you into oblivion!"

"Well for one thing, a woman isn't strong enough to beat up a man," Takuya groaned as he writhed on the ground holding his crotch.

"Why I oughtta-!" Zoe went to kick him a second time.

However, Takuya held up a white flag, waving it frantically. "But I don't want to find out that I'm wrong and get my ass beat! Don't kill me!"

"Just get up and let's go," his girlfriend mumbled. "We're gonna go ask someone for directions, okay? If we don't, then we'll probably miss the party. And that means-"

"No food!" Takuya scrambled to his feet. "That's half the reason why I go to parties in the first place! Because there's free food!"

Zoe sweatdropped. "You go to parties for the food?"

"Yeah, it's free."

"You're an idiot," she mumbled as they continued their way through the woods.

"Yes, but I'm an idiot who likes free things!"

Zoe sighed, wondering how she ended up with him. "Let's just ask for directions the next time we come across someone."

"But nobody wanders through the woods," Takuya pointed out. "We're the only ones who do because we're smart!"

"And we're also lost," she dryly pointed out. "Oh! I think I see some kids up ahead! Let's go see if they know how to get to Kouji's house!"

The two of them ran up to the group of kids in their early teens. There were two boys and a girl, and all of them had golden blond hair. They seemed to be terrified, as they were shaking.

"Hey, are they your relatives, Zoe?" Takuya asked as they approached the trio.

"No, Takuya. Just because they have blond hair like me, it doesn't mean that we're related," she replied dully, then turned her attention to the to the kids. "Hey, are you guys okay? Could you possibly show us the way out of these godforsaken woods?"

"Beware," one of the boys said in a low voice. "Beware of the House of Sweets..."

The girl nodded, her blue eyes wide with fear. "Don't fall for his trap...we barely escaped with our lives..."

"Who?" Zoe questioned. "What happened to you guys? What house of sweets are you talking about?"

"The Warlock of the Woods," the second boy responded. "He tried to eat us...we were entranced by his glorious house of candy and cookies..."

Takuya suddenly gasped, pointing his finger at the trio. "Holy shit! I know who they are!"

Zoe raised an eyebrow. "You do? Who are they?"

"The Children of the Corn!" he exclaimed, before pulling a machine gun out of nowhere. "Don't worry, I'll take care of them!"

Before the blond could stop him, the idiotic brunette fired the gun at the three blond kids, shooting them repeatedly. Blood sprayed all over him and the surrounding trees, staining everything red. Zoe looked at the spectacle, horrified by what had just happened as Takuya shot one last bullet. The three kids crumpled to the ground, dead from the gunshots.

"That took care of 'em," Takuya said proudly.

His girlfriend stared at him with disbelievement. "Why the hell did you just do that?"

"They couldn't be trusted," he replied, grabbing her hand as he began to walk through the woods again. "And they seemed really suspicious. I mean, who's ever heard of a house of candy and cookies? Plus, I've never heard of the Warlock of the Woods. If you ask me, they were all on acid."

Zoe merely sighed, allowing herself to be dragged along. "Just remember that the Children of the Corn only exist in that movie. Or the book if you want to get technical."

"No, they're real! Everything that Stephen King writes is real!" Takuya said deleriously. "Rabid dogs...haunted hotels with creepy twins...teenage girls who kill people telekinetically after getting a bucket of pig's blood dumped on them...it's all real. And I said a big word! Telekinetically is my big word of the day! I shall thank my Word-of-the-Day Toilet Paper! Making me smarter each time I have to wipe my ass!"

"How do I deal with you?" she asked monotonely.

The brunette suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, as did Zoe. "What...the...fuck..."

To their surprise, they could see a house in the distance, though they could immediately see that it was no ordinary house. As they drew closer, they saw that the house was made of a cookie material, most likely gingerbread. Candy, icing, and other sweets adorned the house, making it obvious that the house the three blond kids mentioned existed.

"Zoe, let's eat the house!" Takuya pulled her with him. "I love free food!"

"Takuya, we can't just eat this house!" she snapped. "First of all, I have a bad feeling about this place. This must be the House of Sweets that those kids mentioned. Second of all, someone owns this house, so we can't eat it. Third of all, I don't feel like arriving even later to the party, so let's just go."

"No, I just want a taste!" he shouted, trying to dive into the house.

Yet Zoe held onto the back of his shirt. "Takuya, no! You can't eat someone's house like that!"

"Well, why else would they make a house made of gingerbread?" Takuya whined, barely freeing himself from her grip.

The blond grabbed onto one of his belt loops instead, restraining him further. "I don't know why! Just leave the house alone! We're going to miss Kouji's party! Remember the free food!"

"But Kouji doesn't have a gingerbread house! I would rather eat an edible house instead of a stupid bowl of chips!"

"I can see that we're not leaving until you eat something," Zoe said flatly, finally releasing him. "Just hurry up so we can get going..."

The hungry moron dove head-first into the side of the house, immediately gobbling as much as he could. Icing and bits of candy sprinkled the area, and soon Takuya's face was covered in a sticky mess. Zoe laughed softly seeing his face like that, then leaned over to lick a tiny bit of icing off his cheek.

"Slob," she teased.

Takuya gave her a goofy grin. "Hey, if you think I'm bad now, just wait until I start to eat the shingles on the roof."

The said-shingles were bars of chocolate, causing Zoe to stare at them in awe. "Ohhh...chocolate..."

"Come on! Let's go!" Takuya grabbed hold of a nearby ladder, then quickly began to climb the rungs.

Zoe followed him, falling under the savory spell of the House of Sweets. And who can blame them? Hell, if the authoress came across a gingerbread house decked out in candy, you bet your ass that she would devour it. However, she would be kind enough to leave a note that said 'Sorry, I ate your house. But if it's any consolation, it was delicious and I left you an umbrella in case it rains. Have a nice day!'

Upon reaching the roof, Takuya's eyes lit up, as did Zoe's. "Super Happy Funtime! Look at all this chocolate! Get ready to become diabetic!"

The two of them chomped into the chocolate, unaware that the owner of the house was standing outside, watching them with amusement. Takuya's tongue wrapped around one of the chocolate shingles, comically pulling it into his mouth in the manner of a frog.

"See, Zoe? There's no Warlock of the Woods," he pointed out, licking a bit of chocolate off his lips. "If there was, we would've seen him by now."

The blond shrugged, not caring whether or not he was right about the warlock. "Eh, whatever..."

With his mouth full, Takuya said something completely random. "All of this talk about warlocks reminds me of the time that I went to that job placement center!"

_Flashback_

_"And what type of job are you interested in?" _

_Takuya smiled at the man behind the desk, then handed him a piece of paper. "Here is a listing of all of the jobs that I would be interested in."_

_The man skimmed over the page, reading the listings aloud. "Beer taster...space cowboy...warlock...video game tester...Jedi...more powerful warlock... Ghostbuster...and professional boob watcher..."_

_"Oh! And I would also be interested in being a medical marijuana tester and a TV corpse! You know, when you play a dead person on TV," Takuya told him excitedly._

_The man looked at him dully. "Just get out of my office... But before you go, take this card."_

_The brunette took the little business card, reading it for a moment. "Sorry, dude. But I don't have any mental issues."_

_"I beg to differ. Now get out of my office before I have security escort you out._

Takuya sighed, munching on a piece of chocolate. "Good times...good times..."

Just then, the owner of the house pushed a button, causing the shingles on the roof to flatten down. Doing so made the roof too smooth to give any stability, so the couple slid down.

"Ah, shit!" the brunette exclaimed.

Takuya wrapped his arms around Zoe as they tumbled down the slant, only for both of them to land on a bush made of marshmallows.

"Why, hello there! I see that you stumbled across my gingerbread house!"

A fat man wearing a black cloak stepped forward, a maniacal grin on his face. He clearly resembled a warlock of some sort, but Zoe was the only one who picked up on that little detail.

"My name is J.P.," he continued. "I'm the owner of this house."

"You wouldn't happen to be the Warlock of the Woods, would you?" Zoe inquired dryly as she got off the marshmallow bush. "A group of kids warned us about a house made of sweets and a warlock."

Takuya tried to heave himself off the bush as well, finding it difficult because the marshmallow stuck to his clothes. "Zoe, those kids didn't know jack shit. They were the Children of the Corn, for fuck's sake!"

J.P. laughed nervously. "They didn't run to get help, did they?"

"Nah, I shot 'em," Takuya said proudly, finally freeing himself. "Sweet house you've got here, by the way."

"Come in for a cup of hot chocolate," the warlock offered. "It goes great with gingerbread."

"Hell yeah!" Takuya grabbed his girlfriend's hand and dragged her inside the house, unaware of the fact that there was a glob of marshmallow stuck to his ass. "After eating that much of your chocolate roof, I need more chocolate to wash it down!"

Zoe was unable to to break free of his grip. "Takuya, wait a second! I don't think-"

"Eh, you worry too much," he cut her off. "You need to loosen up and stop acting so paranoid."

However, J.P. suddenly locked the door, sealing them inside the house. "I hope you enjoyed my house...especially since you won't be leaving."

The blond stared at him in horror. "Wha-what are you talking about? You're not gonna let us leave?"

"Nope! Kids come to my house and then I trap them inside," J.P. told them. "I then fatten them up and eat them!"

Takuya realized that there was marshmallow stuck to his butt and picked it off. "That is not cool..."

"Get in this cage!" the warlock exclaimed, motioning to a large metal cage. "Both of you will be fat enough within the week by the time I'm done with you! Get in!"

The teenage couple went inside, unable to do anything else in the meantime. Yet after a moment, the fat man grinned at Zoe, scanning her well-endowed body.

"Well, I might not have to eat you," he said in a low voice. "I can keep you around for other services...I do get rather lonely in these woods and I would like to have little warlocks to carry on my evil intentions."

Zoe looked at him in disgust. "Ew, I don't think so..."

"Yeah, she's got me!" Takuya teased J.P. "Not only am I better looking, but you're too fat to even get into this cage! Why don't you just eat yourself and save yourself the time and effort."

"Oh, shut up!" J.P. snarled. "I am not fat! I'm pleasantly plump and for the record, I do not taste very good! How do I know? A spell mishap, that's how! But I refuse to go into details with my future dinner! Have a good night, for it'll be one of your last! And don't be smartasses by telling me that it's only three in the afternoon! I'm very tired and need my beauty sleep!"

With that, he threw a box of sweets at them, showering them with cookies, candy, deep-fried food, and other fattening yet delicious types of food. Zoe sank down onto the floor of the cage, while Takuya began to stuff his face, like the moron that he is. Way to speed up the process, Dim-wit...

"So, I guess we're stuck here for the night, huh?" he speculated as J.P. went upstairs to go to bed at three in the afternoon. "Plus J.P. is gonna need about a million years worth of sleep if he's expecting to wake up attractive."

"Hey, I heard that, you little asshole!" the fat warlock exclaimed. "And stop calling me fat! I'm pleasantly plump!"

The minutes ticked by, and the non-Swedish couple remained locked in the godforsaken cage. Zoe had managed to reach through the bars to grab hold of a file that had been conveniently placed nearby. As she sawed at the bars with it, Takuya pulled a harmonica out of his pocket and began to play the standard stuck-in-prison tune.

"Oh, don't even start," Zoe muttered. "It's your fault that we're stuck here in the first place, you idiot!"

"Aw, don't be so hard on yourself." Takuya pulled her into his arms, oblivious of the fact that he was the one who had been the cause of their imprisonment. "You didn't mean for us to get captured."

"I'm gonna kill you!" she hissed, tearing herself away. "If we get out of this alive, I'm gonna kick your marshmallow-covered ass into next week!"

The brunette looked at her, surprised. "Oh, did I miss some of it?"

He turned his head and began to pick at the seat of his pants, searching for more marshmallow remains while Zoe glared daggers at him. Shaking her head in annoyance, his girlfriend sawed at the bars for another few minutes, before giving up.

"It's no use," she moaned. "This file will never cut through these bars. They're not even leaving a mark on the metal..."

"Don't worry, Zoe! I'll get us out of here!" Takuya said proudly. "Not only are men superior in following directions, but we also are great at getting ourselves out of trouble. Women always need a man to rescue them for certain situations."

Zoe's eye twitched. "Just keep on talking, Takuya. Keep on talking... We'll see how much of a man you are once I castrate you."

"I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time that J.P. ate Penis Soup," Takuya quipped, though he nervously covered his crotch with his hands. "I-I won't make any more sexist comments, even if they are true."

"I'll use that butcher knife over there," she threatened. "So just keep running your mouth."

"No! Don't cut off my ding-a-ling! I need it so that we can make little Takumi babies someday!" he cried out with a crazed expression on his face.

Zoe sweatdropped, but nodded a moment later. "Uhhhh...okay...anyway...do you have any plans on how we can get out?"

"Hmmm, let me think..." Takuya picked up a bucket of KFC extra crispy chicken and began to nibble on a piece. "First of all...we gotta make sure he knows that we won't eat his food. He can't eat us if we don't get fat."

"But you're eating fried chicken," the girl pointed out blatantly.

"Exactly!" he said excitedly, taking a huge bite.

Unable to understand his insane logic, Zoe merely shook her head and sighed. "Okay, and then what?"

Takuya thought for a moment, before shrugging nonchalantly with his mouth full. "Ah nunno..."

Translated into human language, he meant 'I dunno'. Though Zoe had heard him speak with a mouth full of food plenty of times to know what he meant. Now if only he could speak without spraying a mouthful of food in the process.

"We'll have to trick him somehow." Zoe pulled him close, whispering into his ear. "I don't know how, but we'll have to somehow trick him if we hope to escape."

The horny boy took her advances the wrong way and grinned at her. "Oh, does somebody wanna cuddle with me?"

Zoe's eye twitched again and she flicked him in the forehead. "Dolt..."

"That's okay, there'll be plenty of time for cuddling and sex later," Takuya told her as he rubbed his forehead. "I know how much you want me, so I won't reject your advances. I'd be crazy to reject a girl that hot."

"Gee, thanks. Here we are on the verge of being eaten and all you can think about is sex," she replied dully. "Good to know."

There was a long pause before Takuya spoke again. "Looks like we're gonna miss Kouji's party. Way to go, Zoe. Because of you and your house-eating tendecies, we're going to miss it."

"YOU IDIOT!"

_The next morning_

J.P. stumbed out of bed, feeling as though he was starving. He felt that he needed a hearty breakfast, so he dashed down the stairs, only to trip and roll down the last four steps.

"Ah, goddammit!" He crashed into a cabinet, then peeled himself off a moment later using a giant spatula. "Stupid stairs...I need to install an elevator!"

Not needing a wand, J.P. waved his arm a certain way and transformed his staircase into a elevator. Well, there goes one of his last hopes of some type of exercise. Way to go, Jumbo...

"My name is not Jumbo!" he exclaimed.

Takuya, who had been sleeping in the cage with Zoe, stirred slightly. "Who's he talking to?"

Zoe yawned, nestling herself in her boyfriend's arms. "I don't know...maybe the voices in his head."

"No! There's a crazy bitch and-Oh, nevermind! I'ma hankering for some food!" the hefty warlock complained as he waddled towards the fridge. "And I do not waddle!"

Takuya sat up and watched amusement as J.P. searched through the fridge. Zoe rested her head against his chest, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"Sleeping in this cage was so friggen uncomfortable," she grumbled. "My back is killing me..."

"Want me to loosen up your muscles?" Takuya asked in a seductive voice.

Before she could reply, J.P. threw his arms up in dismay. "There's nothing good in the fridge! No bacon! No sausages! No eggs! No Eggo Waffles!"

"Nooooooooo!" Takuya and Zoe screamed. "Not the Eggo Waffles!"

"L'Eggo my Eggo!" J.P. deleriously banged his head into the wall. "And I forgot to go shopping to stock up the cabinets! Now what am I gonna have for breakfast?"

The brunette raised an eyebrow. "According to Zoe, you're a warlock. So why don't you just use magic to get food?"

"That is one of the two tricks that I can't do!" the fat bastard snarled. "And don't call me a fat bastard!"

"But I didn't call you-"

"Shut up!" J.P. diverted his attention to Zoe, his eyes filled with lunacy. "You! I shall have you for breakfast! Girls are tastier than boys, so you'll be perfect!"

Takuya shoved her behind his back. "No, you're not taking Zoe!"

However, J.P. opened the cage and used his magic to toss Takuya aside and to grab hold of Zoe. He then relocked it, trapping Takuya inside as Zoe was helplessly dragged over to the oven. J.P. turned on the oven and heated it up to a freakishly high temperature.

"Takuya!" Zoe cried out, terrified.

"Dammit!" Takuya began to beat at the metal bars with a chicken leg. "Leave her alone!"

Ignoring the moron with the chicken, J.P. opened up the oven. "Get inside, girlie! I want my breakfast now!"

"But I don't want to," she whimpered.

"Too bad! Get in!" he yelled.

Suddenly, Zoe thought of a plan. "Could you show me how to get in the oven properly?"

"What? Fine, but only 'cause I'm starving!" J.P. crouched down in front of the open oven and made it look like he was about to crawl in. "You just crouch down and then climb-"

He was cut off as Zoe shoved him forcefully into the oven, before closing the oven door with him trapped inside. "Fuck you!"

"Hey! Let me out of here!" the fat warlock yelled. "I can't use my magic to get out! Getting out of the oven is the second magic trick that I can't do!Open the damn door!"

The blond quickly unlocked the cage to free Takuya, then grabbed his hand. "Let's get out of here!"

For once, Takuya didn't ask any stupid questions and screwed out of the gingerbread house as fast as he could with Zoe. Since they had already missed Kouji's party, they simply ran back to Takuya's place, since Zoe's stepmother was probably conducting an orgy at the house. A passed out alcoholic is usually a bit easier to deal with as oppose to a group of naked people high on Ecstasy. For those of you kiddies who don't know, Ecstasy is an amazing drug to enhance your sexual pleasure-

"Okay! Nobody wants to hear that!" J.P. rudely interrupted. "Now how am I gonna get out of this oven?"

The authoress can only shrug and suggest that maybe the Children of the Corn can help. As if on cue, a group of bloodthirsty kids wandered into the house, all of them holding farm tools.

"Adults must die!" they chanted, opening the oven door to drag J.P. out. "Sacrifice this fat guy to 'He Who Walks Behind The Rows' aka our Corn God!"

"Oh, fuck..." J.P. was dragged away into a cornfield where the kids tried to use him as a human sacrifice.

However, since J.P. was a warlock and not a human, the ritual did not work. Instead, he was rolled down a hill, where he landed on Kouji, who happened to be passing by the area.

"Why me?" the emo muttered. "Why do I always get the short end of the stick?"

"Beats me," J.P. replied with a shrug.

Feeling tired and lazy, our little fairy tale ends here. Let us hope that you kiddies learned a valuable lesson; don't eat houses made of gingerbread unless you know how to kill the homicidal witch or warlock living inside.

**Alrighty, that ends this particular fairy tale. I'm so tired and out of it...meh... Anyway, please review and let me know if you liked this chapter. Stay tuned for the next one, which will be out someday! Upcoming ones include "Beauty and the Beast", "The Swan Princess", "Rumpelstiltskin", "The Little Mermaid", and more. Requests are accepted.**


	7. Chapter 7: Beauty and the Beast

**Okay, once again, we're getting back towards the princess-y genre. And I'm sure everyone has noticed by now a lot of the stories are based on their Disney versions. It's what I grew up on, so I'm using them as examples! Anyone with a problem with that can rant about it in a review.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 7: Beauty and the Beast**

...Zzz...Zzz...What! Oh...the story...right... Okay, a not-so-long time ago, a prince named Takuya owned an awesome castle. But he was an asshole and treated his servants like shit. One day, an ugly old woman came up to his door during a storm, asking for shelter. Takuya had told her to go fuck herself. Pissed off, the woman turned out to be a witch and she kicked him in the nuts. She then turned the prince into a monstrous beast, then transformed his servants into household appliances. The only way to break the spell was for true love's kiss and another kick in the nuts. Serves him right for being a jackass. Time passed and Takuya remained a beast, hiding away in his castle and killing anyone who got too close to it. He was a miserable bastard, knowing that it was very unlikely that anyone would ever fall in love with a beast. So he grew into a bigger asshole, and that is where our fairy tale will begin.

Not too far away from the castle, there was a small town known as Shibuya. Normally it would be a large city, but it was cut in half and downsized after the Great Depression. Who cares that the Great Depression took place in the United States! Japan was depressed afterwards because the damn Americans wouldn't stop bitching and eating the world's supply of junk food, so Shibuya was cut in half and partially sold to the Mafia. Yes, fifty percent of Shibuya is now owned by Italy, but just go with it for now. They have connections...and are plotting against the Yakuza... Get bulletproof vests!

Anyway, living in the shrunken town was an eighteen year-old girl named Zoe. She was the prettiest girl in town, and although she was blond, she was the most intelligent girl as well. Ow! Who threw that brick? Asshole...it was a blond joke, get over it.. But anyway, Zoe lived with her inventor father, Maurice, who was an inventer. You get the fact that he's an inventor, right? Okay, just making sure. Moving on... Nobody knew what had happened to Zoe's mother, but rumor has it that she fell down a manhole and tumbled into some portal, which transported her to a place called Narnia. The place was inhabited by little fat goatmen who tried to sell real estate, which angered her. It is thought that she is known as the Great White Bitch...or was it Great White Witch? Eh, who cares...

One day, Zoe was walking through town on her way home, reading a book, when she crossed paths with Kanji. Kanji was the self-proclaimed hottest guy in town. Though personally, his head was too long, he had a funny jaw, huge choppers that rivaled a Nutcracker's, and too much body hair that contained an infestation of crabs. However, all of the girls in Shibuya wanted to screw him anyway, as they were too dumb to know better. And no, not all of them were blond. Ow! Again with the brick! Enough already, jeez...

"Well, hello there, Zoe." Kanji grinned, thinking it to be sexy. "How are you on this fine day?"

Zoe blanched, thinking that his goofy grin only made him look like a lunatic. "Uh, I'm good I guess..."

"What's that in your hand?" He suddenly grabbed the book from her, flipping through the pages with a confused look on his face. "What is this, some kind of sandwich?"

"No, Kanji," she replied with a sigh as she snatched it back. "It's a book. You know, something you read."

"But, but there's no pictures!" Kanji protested. "Everything I read has pictures."

Zoe raised an eyebrow as she began to walk away from him. "You read the backs of cereal boxes..."

"Yes, but they have pictures! Mazes! Puzzles! Word searches...well, I don't do those because they're too hard..." Kanji followed her like a stalker. "So anyway, since I'm the hottest guy and you're the hottest girl, I want you to marry me. We'll have a bunch of Kanji babies! All of them will be boys of course, since there is too much testosterone in me to produce a girl."

"Uh, no thanks. I'll pass!" With that, Zoe made a mad dash to her house.

"Wait!" Kanji tried to run after her, but tripped over the imaginary camel smoking a cigarette. "Dammit! She got away!"

Just then, Kanji's fat little sidekick, Shou, came running over. Shou was short, and had a large honker and a bushy ponytail.

"Gee, Kanji! You almost had her this time!" he said excitedly. "Soon she won't be able to resist you!"

"I know," he replied cockily as he heaved himself up. "Zoe will be my wife soon enough!"

"We love you, Kanji!" The stupid fangirls jumped up and down, holding up signs as they smiled vacantly. "Marry us!"

Meanwhile, Zoe had barricaded herself in her house, sighing at Kanji's annoyance. Every day he would go up to her, trying to propose to her. It got more irritating with each passing day, especially since the moron never got the hint that she despised him.

"I'm gonna beat him over the head with a book if he does this one more time," she muttered to herself.

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion from the basement, alarming the blond. She rushed downstairs in time to see her father blowing out flames with a fire extinguisher.

"Stand back! I've got this under control!" Maurice cried out, spraying that weird foamy crap. "Just a little mishap! But that's okay, because this invention is going to win me first prize at the Wannabe Inventor's Convention!"

Zoe sweatdropped, then quickly beat out a flame that had erupted on his arm, smacking it with a towel. "Jeez, Dad... Maybe you should wear fire-proof clothes when you leave. Just in case..."

"That's good idea!" Maurice blew out the remaining flames, then began to push a strange contraption towards a door that would bring him outside. "Could you go fetch me some clothes while I hook this fucking thing up to my lazy donkeys?"

"What happened to the horses?" Zoe asked.

"They...died." He looked away suspiciously, twiddling his thumbs. "Anyway...the clothes, please!"

Five minutes later, Maurice had his crazy contraption attached to his four asses. No! Not that kind of ass! The donkeys, you pervs! Damn, get your minds outta the gutter... But the crazy old man climbed on top of his contraption since it was on wheels and the donkeys were too friggen weak to pull a carriage as well. He had a bag of fire-proof clothes and a fireman's hose just in case. Maurice waved goodbye to Zoe, wishing her luck against her annoying stalker. He then rode off into the distance, telling his dim-witted donkeys to hurry the hell up.

Just as Zoe was about to go back inside, she heard a painstakingly annoying call. "Oh, Zoooo-eeeeee!"

Cursing to herself, she spun around to see Kanji running up to her in a tux. He was followed by Shou, who was struggling to carry a wedding dress, tripping over it in the process. A band was nearby playing the traditional wedding tune while Shou tried to untangle himself.

"Aaaahhhh! Kanji, help! I'm drowning in this dress!" he squeaked.

Kanji snatched the dress, kicking Shou away. "You got dirt all over it, Dumbass!"

"Ah, shit..." Zoe tried to slink away, only for the ugly douchebag to block her way.

"Marry me, Zoe! I want you to be my wife, so put on this dress, say your vows in front of that drunk priest, and go have sex with me! I want me some sons!" Kanji exclaimed, trying to kiss her with his nasty puckered lips.

Instead, Zoe moved out of the way, causing him to fall into a mud puddle. "Go fuck yourself!"

She ran back inside her house and locked about ten locks, hearing Kanji's angered rants outside.

"Dammit!"

"Whoa, you fell into the mud," Shou speculated. "Hehe, she got you pretty good, Kanji. I guess she doesn't like you-GAH!"

Kanji had roughly grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up. "Shut up! She'll be mine, no matter what! Now pipe down and get me a beer!"

Anyway, let's cut ahead a bit. A little while later, Zoe heard that her father had been kidnapped by a beast in a castle, for his donkeys had been eaten by wolves and he had run to the castle to escape being next on the menu. How did she find out? A little birdie told her, that's how! But moving on, she stole a horse from the guy next door and rode it near the edge of Shibuya, where the castle was. Zoe got off the horse and took a deep breath as she approached the huge front door.

"Okay...just calm down...you can reason with a beast," she told herself. "You deal with Kanji on a daily basis, so this guy can't be that much worse."

Once she had reached the door, she grabbed hold of the large doorknocker, intending to give her father's kidnapper a piece of her mind. But... Is it possible to say that an adult can be _kid_napped? They're not kids...so it kind of defeats the purpose of saying 'kidnapped'. Oh! Let's say abducted! But then it sounds like he was pulled into a passing ice cream truck with a crazy pedophile inside...eh, who cares! On with the story!

After waiting a few minutes, Zoe decided to just go inside and find her father himself. Breaking and entering wasn't the greatest idea and was rude, but hey, the guy should've thought about it before he took Maurice. The blond wandered down the huge corridor, passing by several doors and rooms along the way. Finally, she found a door that was labeled as 'Dungeon'. Between the bars on the door, Zoe could see her father sitting on a bench.

"Zoe!" He hurried over to the door to look at her through the bars. "You shouldn't have come here! It's too dangerous!"

"Dad, I couldn't just leave you," she retorted, trying to pick the lock with a hairpin. "Don't worry, I'll get you out in no time."

Maurice's eyes suddenly went wide. "Zoe, look out!"

Just then, she was roughly grabbed from behind and was spun around, where she came face-to-face with a hulking beast. He was at least seven feet tall, with chestnut brown fur covering his body, two gray horns in his head, sharp teeth, and he was wearing black pants and a red cape just for the hell of it.

"Oh...shit," she murmured, taking it all in.

"What are you doing in my castle?" the beast angrily demanded as he held her up. "How did you get in here?"

Zoe swallowed. "I...uh...came to get my father! Now let him go!"

The beast glanced over at the old man. "This girl is your daughter?"

"Y-Yes," he stammered. "P-Please, don't hurt her."

"Let my father go!" Zoe yelled, trying to kick him.

The beast suddenly grinned. "Okay, I'll let him go...for an exchange. If I free him, you must be my prisoner, Zoe. Nice name by the way. I'm Takuya."

"Good for you," she replied flatly, then sighed. "I'll do it."

"No! You can't do that!" Maurice protested, but was thrown outside the castle. "No, don't take her! Who will make me dinner?"

"That's not my concern! Use that horse to get home!" Takuya slammed the front door shut, locking Maurice outside.

Maurice stood there for several seconds. "Shit...now what?"

Meanwhile, Takuya had stalked back over to Zoe, grabbing her and throwing her over his shoulder. "Okay, let me show you to your room."

"Ah, put me down!" she cried out, beating his back with her fists. "I can walk, you know! And shouldn't you be throwing me in the dungeon?"

"First of all, I know you can walk," Takuya said. "I just like to see you struggle. And second off, I was actually going to give you a nice room, but if you would prefer the dungeon, then-"

"No! I...uh...the nice room is fine," Zoe quickly told him. "Um, lead the way!"

Five minutes later, they had finally reached the bedroom that Takuya had had in mind to keep her in. Zoe had since then stopped hitting him and was simply resting her chin in the palm of her hand as she counted the floor tiles.

"Okay, here we are!" The beast kicked the door open, then tossed the blond onto the bed. "Get dressed into one of those dresses in the grimiore. You'll be having dinner with me in two hours. Pick something sexy!"

"I don't want to eat with you!" she said defiantly. "Just leave me alone!"

"Fine, then you'll starve! Have a good fucking night!" He angrily whirled around to walk out the room, only to crash into the wall. "Gah! Sonofabitch!"

He didn't miss the second time and brutally closed the door behind him, muttering obsceneties under his breath. Takuya stalked down the hallway, suddenly hearing an array of voices. A bunch of household furniture was making their way over to him, as they were alive...yes, they are the house servants! But you figured that out already. Amongst them was a candlestick, a clock, a teakettle, and a teacup.

"Master! This is your chance!" the candlestick exclaimed, hopping over to him. "A girl came to break ze spell!"

"Kouichi, cut it out with the French accent," Takuya snarled. "You sound like a moron."

Kouichi raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought I sounded pretty sexy and mysterious..."

"No, you sound like a jackass," the clock said flatly as he rolled his eyes.

"I didn't ask you, Kouji," Kouichi growled. "So pipe down and go be an asshole somewhere else."

"Both of you shut up!" The teakettle sighed, looking down at himself. "Out of all the household items, why did I get turned into a girly-looking kettle?"

"Shut up, J.P." Takuya huffed, walking down the corridor. "Or should I just call you Mr. Potts?"

J.P. cursed. "Fuck you. I'm not a teapot, I'm a teakettle!"

"What's the difference?" the little teacup asked.

"Just...be quiet, Tommy. As my son, you must obey me if I tell you to pipe down. Since I am your father, I get to tell you to pipe down whenever I want," J.P. said.

Tommy grinned. "Cool. Now say it in a Darth Vader voice!"

However, Kouichi cut everyone off. "Guys, shut the hell up! This is Takuya's chance! Our chance, too! If this girl-"

"Zoe," Takuya quietly muttered.

"Okay, if Zoe falls in love with Takuya, kisses him, and kicks him in the nuts, then the spell will be broken!" Kouichi said excitedly. "We just gotta make sure that Takuya isn't an asshole to her."

"We're screwed," Kouji muttered.

Takuya glared at him. "Bastard..."

"No, we have a really good chance!" Kouichi exclaimed.

"Kouichi, the last time a girl came here, Takuya killed her and had her for dinner," J.P. pointed out.

The beast scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "I was hungry that day...and she wasn't even that cute!"

"But this girl is gorgeous, so don't eat her!" Kouichi told him. "Be nice to her and she'll fall in love with you. When the time is ready, she'll kiss you and kick you in the nuts."

"Yes, those fur-covered nuts," Kouji joked.

"Watch it or I'll turn you into a cuckoo clock," Takuya warned. "I'll stuff a toy bird into your mouth!"

The candlestick groaned. "Focus! We'll all help Takuya win over Zoe and finally be turned back into humans!"

"Of course, this is all Takuya's fault to begin with," the clock quipped.

"That's it! I'm getting the bird!"

Inside the room, Zoe sighed and looked out the bedroom window. Her father had ridden home on the horse that Zoe had brought, hopefully being able to avoid the wolves. If not, then there'd be a nasty surprise outside later.

"Well, now what am I gonna do?" Zoe mused to herself.

"I know!" The grimiore suddenly jumped to life, opening her doors. "Pick a beautiful dress for dinner!"

The other items in the bedroom, who had once been servants, all cheered in agreement. However, not knowing about the spell, Zoe didn't know about their condition.

"Holy shit! Poltergeists!" Zoe grabbed a flamethrower. "Stay back!"

"Aaaaaaaaaah! Careful with that," the grimiore said in fear. "We're not poltergeists! Damn Takuya and his pyromaniac ways!"

"Wait, what's going on?"

Because the authoress wants to speed things up, the grimiore gave Zoe an explanation and how there was a spell over everyone in the castle. There was also a dance number in the kitchen while the food was made for dinner. Takuya hadn't joined Zoe that night since he was locked in his bedroom reading his hentai comics. Kouichi had tried to light his butt on fire for that one. But the next day, Takuya and Zoe were encouraged by the household appliances to hang out together. To make a long story short, they began to fall in love with each other, yadda yadda yadda.

By then Maurice had returned to Shibuya, where he tried to find someone to help him get Zoe back. Of course, everyone thought he was crazy and Kanji had him put away into a nearby looney bin. However, upon hearing where Zoe was due to Maurice's ramblings, Kanji decided to retrieve her himself. He led the angry villagers towards the castle with pitchforks, torches, and rubber chickens. There were no guns because it will be more entertaining without them. Anyway, let's get back to the castle, where Takuya and Zoe are sitting in the library.

"Eh, reading is hard!" Takuya complained as he flipped through the pages. "I don't like these big words..."

"Still, you're doing pretty well," Zoe speculated.

She was sitting between his legs, with her back against his chest. Takuya had his arms around her, a book clutched in his hands.

"You read better than the last guy who tried to get with me," she added.

"What guy?" Takuya growled, wanting to rip the other guy apart just for being in Zoe's presence at some point in time.

The blond shrugged. "Just some jerk named Kanji. He wants to marry me and won't take 'no' for an answer."

"I'll kill him!" the beast exclaimed. "And then I'll eat him!"

"Whatever. At least I'll never be bothered by him again. Though I must warn you, he probably tastes like crap," she said.

Takuya snorted. "I'm sure I've had worse..."

Just then, Kouichi and the others rushed into the room, tearing the couple apart. "Come on! We need to get you two ready!"

"Ready for what?" Takuya demanded as he and Zoe were ushered out of the library.

"You'll see!" Kouji kicked the beast to get him to move more quickly. "Come on already!"

Zoe was brought into a different room from Takuya, where she was fitted into a slinky black dress. There had been a yellow dress as well, but there was a ketchup stain on it and it wouldn't have looked good with her hair and complexion anyway. Meanwhile, Takuya was strapped down onto a chair, where his servants began to groom him.

"Hey! Knock it o-!" he was cut off as a large toothbrush was shoved into his mouth.

"Quiet, we're making you more...uh...less repulsive," Kouji said as he worked the brush back and forth.

J.P., despite not actually having hands, was using a buzz-saw to cut the claws on Takuya's hands and feet. "Damn, Takuya! You need to trim more often!"

"Do you need some hedgeclippers?" Kouichi asked, roughly combing the fur on Takuya's head. "I wish I had a bigger bottle of conditioner..."

"You guys suck!" Takuya spat out the toothbrush, only to feel a bucket of water dumped over his head. "Hey! WHAT THE HELL!"

"Wash, wash, wash," Tommy sang to himself as he worked some shampoo onto his master. "Get the little bugs out..."

Takuya growled. "I do NOT have bugs..."

"Well, we just want to make sure," Kouichi told him. "Right after this flea bath!"

"WHAT!"

Some time later, Takuya was shoved out of the room that he had been held captive in while his crazy servants had pampered him. He looked... Uh, well he looked a bit better. Fur was shinier...nice even coat with less scraggily parts...his sharp teeth had been brushed...uh...his claws had been cut and filed down a bit. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants though, since it would've been weird if he was naked. He saw Zoe standing there in her dress, swallowing a bit.

"Wow...you look nice..." his voice trailed off.

"Thanks...you look nice too," she replied.

Kouichi turned on a cd player to get some music going in the background. "Let's make things a bit more romantic..."

_3,6,9 damn yo fine move it so you sock it to me 1 mo time_  
_Get low, Get low, Get low, Get Low, Get Low, Get Low, Get Low_  
_To the window(To da window), to da wall, (to da wall)_  
_To the sweat drop down my balls (MY BALLS)_  
_To all these bitches crawls (crawl)_  
_To all skeet skeet motherfuckers (motherfucker!) to all skeet skeet god damn(I got game)_  
_To all skeet skeet motherfuckers (motherfucker!) to all skeet skeet god damn(I got game)_

"Shit! Turn it off! Turn it off!" Kouichi exclaimed. "We just want it to be romantic! No beastiality scenes here! I don't think the readers can take it!"

J.P. smashed the cd player with a mallet. "Okay! I did it!"

Takuya and Zoe sweatdropped as the others struggled to find a more suitable music for the background. However, they snuck away from them, going into a room. Once again, no beastiality scenes here, so they just hugged and so on and so forth. They can't kiss yet because it's not the end of the story. Just then, there was a loud pounding noise against the front door, causing the castle to shake.

"Oh, fuck. Now what?" Takuya grabbed Zoe's hand, bringing her with him as he went to go answer the door. "I swear, if it's those little bitchy Girl Scouts, I'm eating them instead of their cookies!"

"Oh, if it is them, I'm eating the Thin Mints," she said excitedly.

"Open up, beast! I've come to take my future wife!" Kanji called through the door. "Release her or I shall smite you!"

Takuya raised an eyebrow and looked at Zoe. "What is he, a soap opera star from the medieval days?"

"No, he wouldn't be able to read the script," she told him. "He's just an idiot."

Kanji smacked at the door again, along with the angry villagers. "Open up! Now!"

After a few more bangs, the door burst open and Kanji put Shou down, who had been used as a battering ram. He grabbed a pitchfork, glaring at Takuya.

"Release my future wife!" he exclaimed.

Shou stumbled around in the background, holding his head as little birds flew around him. "Whoa...I need to invest in a helmet..."

Takuya grinned, taking Zoe in his arms. "Sorry, but I already married her. You're a bit late. Better luck next time."

Zoe nodded, wanting to play along. "That's right. We just got married yesterday. If you had been a day earlier, than maybe I would've married you. Oh, well."

"I'll kill him and then I'll marry you!" Kanji raised his pitchfork. "Attack!"

Okay, cutting ahead a bit, while the army of household appliances/servants attacked the crazy villagers/townies, Takuya and Zoe had escaped to the roof where Kanji was hot on their trail. For more dramatic effect, it was raining.

"Give it up, beast! I have you surrounded!" Kanji exclaimed.

Takuya raised an eyebrow. "Everyone else is inside, you jackass! You're the only one on this roof other than Zoe and myself."

"...Oh..." Kanji thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, I'll kill you by myself!"

He then charged at Takuya with his pitchfork pointed outward. However, Zoe had 'accidentally' bumped into him, causing him to stumble.

"Ah, shit!" the annoying bastard cried out like a girl. "You stupid bitch! I could've fallen!"

"Nobody calls my girl a bitch!" Takuya exclaimed, punching Kanji as hard as he could.

He had underestimated his own strength though, for his fist had knocked Kanji's head right off his body. His head flew off the top of the castle, where it landed on one of the spiky fence posts. Hey, it'll make a great Halloween decoration. His body shuddered, then collapsed on the roof in a pool of blood.

"Well, that was cool," Takuya speculated. "I knocked his head right off!"

By now the rest of the villagers had been beaten to a bloody pulp, which they deserved for being stupid enough to listen to Kanji. It was like the blind leading the blind for fuck's sake...

The beast looked at Zoe. "So, now that I killed the bastard, do you love me? Because I love you...and I want to get out of this fucking beast body already!"

"Yes, I love you," she replied.

Zoe smiled, then pulled Takuya down so that he was eye-level to her. She then pressed her lips against his, which was a bit awkward and she had to spit some of his fur out of her mouth.

"Sorry," he apologized. "Now you gotta do the second part to break the spell. Which is kicking me in the-"

Before he could finish, Zoe had already kicked him in the nuts, causing him to fall to his knees.

"Ooooh...that...hurt..." he writhed on the floor/ rooftop. "Son...of...a...bitch..."

Takuya was then surrounded by a beam of light with lifted him up. And then he miraculously turned back into his human self! But no, he didn't look like the dude from the Disney version. Sorry, but that guy looked better in his beast form as oppose to his human form, which was just mad ugly. But luckily, Takuya was amazingly hot so it worked out great for him. Inside the castle, all of the household appliances had reverted back to their human forms as well.

"Yay! Now I can go do it with that sexy maid!" Kouichi exclaimed as followed the hot maid he was referring to.

"My brother is a perv," Kouji muttered, but trailed behind the older twin nonetheless.

J.P. was just stuffing his face with junk food since he couldn't digest such delectable sweets in his teakettle form. Tommy had decided to go call a garbage truck to dispose of the unconscious bodies in the castle. Yes, there is a special truck that will take knocked out people and throw them off a mountain.

Anyway, Kanji was dead, his fanclub killed themselves due to his death, Shou had to find a new, not-as-abusive friend to tell him what to do, and Kouji held auditions for a new sidekick. Shou won the title of Kouji's new sidekick and was treated slightly better than from how Kanji had treated him. Maurice had been released from the looney bin after Takuya had bombed the place, and he happily allowed the brunette to marry Zoe. Hell, it gave him the privilege to move into the castle, so of course he allowed it. Takuya and Zoe married and in the future, they had kids that looked normal and not like beasts. THE END!

**Okay, I had to cut a few things down and push them together. But hey, it's a parody so I can screw around whichever way I please. I think I crammed enough stuff in anyway, and I want to move on and work on other chapters. So please review and let me know what you think.**

**Future chapters include: "The Swan Princess", "The Little Mermaid", "Rumpelstiltskin", ****"Jack and the Beanstalk", "The Gingerbread Man", and possibly "Alice and Wonderland". I'm debating that last one because someone else already wrote a story like that with Zoe as the title character. The story is called "Zoe in Wonderland" and I don't want the authoress to think that I copied her. There are a few others on the list as well that I planned on my own accord, including "Pinnochio". Again, if there are any requests, let me know in a review or PM.**


	8. Chapter 8: The Swan Princess

**Okay, here is the next deranged fairy tale! The actual fairy tale is supposed to be "Swan Lake", but since I have never seen any versions of it, I'm going with the Disney knock-off "The Swan Princess", which is like "Swan Lake" minus the dancing and half the plot! The OCs featured in this story are owned by luv2laugh and write. She gave me permission to use her characters and was the first one to suggest this particular tale. So on that note, the characters Yasmin and Amon belong to her. ****Now onto the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do now own digimon or any of the fairy tales that I write about. **

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 8: ****The Swan Princess**

Long ago, the Dark Lord Sauron had created the One Ring to rule the other Rings of Power as the ultimate weapon in his campaign to conquer and rule all of Middle-earth! Wait, that doesn't sound right...crap! This is the intro to _The Lord of the Rings_! Dammit... Okay, scratch that first part, except for that 'long ago' part. Well, it wasn't that long ago, but still, let's just go with it.

Anyway, moving on, there was once a king who had a daughter named Zoe, whose mother had died shortly after giving birth due to a mix-up in the pain meds. The king's named was Chauncey and although he had just lost his wife, he was still in a pretty good mood. The bitch had been cheating on him anyway, so she had it coming. Much like in the fashion of _Sleeping Beauty_, he decided to throw a party at his castle to celebrate his daughter's birth, inviting the entire town. Amongst the guests was his friend from a nearby kingdom, Queen Mildred. Mildred had a young son named Takuya, who was only a year older than Zoe. During the party, Chauncey and Mildred conspired the idea of having Takuya and Zoe marry when they were older, as the king didn't have a son to give his castle to. Mildred's late husband had been in a tragic cotton candy incident that nobody liked to talk about.

Most of the guests were happy, except for one. A young woman named Amon stood in the corner of the...the big room that everyone was celebrating in. Whatever it's called. She had long brown hair with blond patches, as well as dark brown eyes that were filled with malice. Amon was dressed in a simple black summerdress and sandals, making her appear _almost_ innocent. Yet as she glared at the king, it was clear that she was filled with evil intentions. Deep down, she wished to rule the kingdom herself, having the desire to enslave the town under her sadistic leadership.

"This is the bestest party ever!" Queen Mildred exclaimed drunkenly, spilling her beer everywhere. "We really needs to throw more parties!"

King Chauncey nodded happily, his beer-dispensing helmet jiggling on his head a bit. "Hell yeah, we do! This iz so awesomesauce! My kid iz gonna marry yours, so that saves me the annoyance of going out and finding her a suitable husband! And that saves you the trouble of finding Takuya a bride. Itz a win-win situation, if you ask me!"

He hiccupped, rather hammered from his beer intake. The king guzzled down his remaining alcohol through his twin straws, emptying the glass bottles attached to his helmet. Mildred took a knife and stabbed her can of beer, shot-gunning it.

"Come on! Suck it! Suck it hard!" Chauncey exclaimed, wobbling a bit. "Do it like you did to your husband!"

Mildred gulped the beer, then wiped the foam off her mouth victoriously. "Fuck yeah! That's how we do it!"

Amon stepped forward with a cruel smirk on her face. "Glad to see that you two are enjoying yourselves...hope you let this moment last."

King Chauncey let out a rude belch. "Whattaya talkin' about? Of course itz gonna last...I'm king for cryin' out loud!"

"Yes, but how long will it last?" Amon questioned in a low voice. "One day, you may just lose everything and not even realize it until it's too late..."

"Thaz it! Guards! Get this really attractive, yet crazy woman outta my castle!" Chauncey exclaimed, struggling to keep his balance.

Amon simply chuckled. "No need to call the guards. I'll go on my own accord. But keep in mind that this will not be the last time we will meet. Have a good night, King Chauncey. You too, Queen Mildred. I'll look forward to getting more acquainted with your children when they grow older."

With that, she vanished in an ominous puff of black smoke, causing party guests to gape in surprise. Chauncey took a whiff of the smoke, then pouted a moment later.

"Dammit, it's not weed smoke! I was really looking forward to getting high!" he announced. "And I wonder who that chick was anyway. I know she wasn't a hooker because she seemed too smart to be one..."

Mildred shrugged, then pulled out a glass tube-like device and a lighter. "Eh, who cares? I brought my bong!"

Chauncey clapped happily. "Yay! Let's go get mah weed!"

Moving along, over the next few years, Takuya and Zoe would be forced to hang out with each other. However, much to their parents' dismay, the two of them grew to dislike each other. Although they knew that they were betrothed, they didn't seem to give a shit and played pranks on each other. On one particular day, Zoe had been sent over to Takuya's kingdom for yet another play date. As usual, it was if all Hell had broken loose.

"Ah, what the heck!" Eight year-old Takuya wiped a tomato off his face with his sleeve. "Zoe, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Oh, you deserved it, Kanbara!" she taunted. "That's for trying to put a frog on my head!"

Takuya groaned. "But it jumped at the last second and landed on my head instead! So you can't retaliate!"

"Can too!" Zoe retorted. "You meant to put it on _my_ head, so it's all fair game!"

"Is not!" the brunette angrily shot back, then looked at his best friend. "Is it, J.P.? Was that fair of her?"

J.P. was a rather fat boy, who was a year older than Takuya. "Nope! She used a cheap shot! It's because girls don't play fair!"

"Ah, give it a rest!" Yasmin, Zoe's friend, snarled. "You know that Takuya started this whole prank war anyway! So it's his fault!"

"Yeah!" Zoe huffed, then began to storm away. "Let's go, Yasmin. These idiots will never learn."

Just as the two girls were about to leave, Takuya picked up a rock, intending to throw it at Zoe. "Take that!"

Instead of hitting the blond, he ended up missing horribly, conking J.P. in the head. The hefty boy collapsed onto the ground, little birds flying around his head.

"Good job," Zoe teased. "Next time, take a bit of time to work on your aim."

With that, she and Yasmin walked away, laughing at the pissed off boys. Takuya glared at her, ignoring his dizzy friend on the ground. Years went by, and Takuya and Zoe still loathed each other. The pranks, insults, and torment went on another twelve years, Zoe usually being the victor in all three aspects. However, one day, by some crazy miracle that only rocket scientists could explain, the two of them fell head over heels for one another. Yeah...kinda sudden, huh? Oh, well! Moving on, Takuya finally decided that he wanted to marry Zoe, claiming that because she was extremely hot, she would be his bride. Yet, being the idiot that he is, he failed to produce any other reason for wanting to marry her, and Zoe thought he only liked her because of her looks. Because of that, she and her father took off to go back to their own palace, leaving Takuya behind to get bitched at by his mother.

"Dammit, Takuya!" Queen Mildred hit her son over the head with a wooden spoon. "You were so close! SO CLOSE! What the HELL caused you to fuck things up? Jeez, this is why I wanted a daughter! Man, you suck at wooing girls!"

"Ow..." the brunette muttered to himself, rubbing his sore cranium. "Sorry, I just...I dunno...and what does 'wooing' mean?"

Mildred rolled her eyes. "Well, do you really love her? Other than just by her looks?"

"Yeah, but as you said, I suck at showing it," Takuya replied.

"Then go after her already! You're letting her get away!" the queen exclaimed. "Go, go GOOOOOOO! Now, before I give away your inheritance to a nearby orphanage!"

"No! I need that money more than those kids!" the selfish little bastard yelled, barrel-assing over to one of his horses. "Don't worry, Mom! I'll get Zoe back and tell her how I really feel! Try not to get too trashed while I'm gone!"

Mildred snorted. "Psh, I _never_ get trashed... Just ignore those pictures of me on Facebook. I don't want to explain those..."

Takuya rode away on his horse to catch up to Zoe and her father in their horse-drawn carriage. The princess and her father were currently a few miles ahead, with Chauncey bitching at his daughter in a way similar to how Dorcas yelled at her son only moments before.

"Why me? What on earth did I ever do to you?" he complained. "I raised you for nineteen years. And I bought you everything you've ever wanted. And I carried you in my uterus for nine months!"

Zoe sharply looked at her father with a sickened, questioning expression on her face. She seemed too terrified to ask for an explanation. However, before she could, Chauncey quickly realized what he had just said.

"I mean, your mother carried you for nine months in her uterus! I'm just the reason why you were there in the first place," he told her. "Your mother was on many drugs when she gave birth to you. Now I need some damn drugs seeing how you destroyed my chances of getting an heir! I wanted you to have little royal babies! I'm not getting any younger, you know!"

"Dad, I don't want to hear it," she grumbled as she turned to look out the window. "Takuya obviously only likes me for my looks...nothing else."

Chauncey scoffed. "Yeah? And what are your reasons for liking him other than how he looks?"

"Well, he's nice...sometimes... He's funny-" Zoe was promptly cut off.

"Oh, you hardly even know him. You just automatically fell in love with him! How could you possibly know about how he is?" her father demanded.

"I found out how he acts for a grand total of thirty minutes before he ruined it, that's how," she shot back. "Now leave me alone."

Just then, the horses were decapitated by a sword, and the carriage was flipped over. Chauncey flew out and crashed into a tree, hitting his head at a crushing force. He could vaguely hear the sounds of Zoe screaming and cursing, then silence.

"That shut her up," a woman muttered, before disappearing into the night with the unconscious princess.

A little while later, Takuya rode up to find the beheaded bodies of the horses, as well as the destroyed carriage.

"What the fuck happened here?" he wondered, climbing off his own horse. "Shit! It's Chauncey! Hehe...Chauncey... Always thought that name was kinda funny..."

As he rushed over to the fallen king, Takuya's horse wandered over to the carcasses of the other horses. Instead of mourning their deaths, he simply smiled and mule-kicked their corpses.

"Who's the best horse now?" he taunted, then turned around to take a shit on one of them. "Me, Bitches!"

"Chauncey!" Takuya crouched down beside the king, shaking him. "Can you hear me? Where's Zoe?"

Suddenly, Chauncey sat up, an insane look in his eyes. "Horrible! Horrible things are going to happen!"

He began to point at various woodland creatures that had gathered around the crash site, much to Takuya's confusion.

"And they're going to happen to you! And you! And you! _And you!" _he cried out, pointing to Takuya. "Whoa, Nelly!"

Chauncey collapsed back onto the ground, spinning around in a strange way as Takuya continued watch the crazy spectacle. The brunette scratched his head in puzzlement, slowly eating a carton of movie theater style popcorn that had appeared out of nowhere.

"People of Springfield, heed this warning! Twisted Tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever! Beware! Beware! Time is short! EPA! EPA! EPA! Believe me! Believe me!" The king convulsed, then looked at Takuya with a serious expression. "Things are not what they seem...Thanks for listening!"

He then shuddered and died just as Takuya finished his popcorn. The prince threw his arms up dramatically and began to cry out in anguish.

"Noooooo! That popcorn made me thirsty and I don't have a drink!"

_Meanwhile_

When Zoe woke up, she was lying near a lake, concealed within a fenced-in garden. There were a few empty beer cans nearby, most of them with the little metal tabs twisted off.

"Ugh...what happened? Did I go out drinking?" she mused to herself as she slowly stood up. "I don't have a hangover...meh, wouldn't be the first time I woke up near a damn lake... But still, how did I get here?"

"I brought you here," a voice said from behind her.

Zoe spun around to face a young woman. "Who the hell are you?"

"Hmm, you wouldn't remember, seeing how you were just a baby," Amon replied dully as she leaned casually against the fence. "But to make a long story short, I told your father that someday he would lose everything. He lost his daughter...his life...and soon his throne once I finish with my scheme."

"So, what are you going to do to me?" the blond demanded.

Amon smirked. "Oh, I'm just going to keep you prisoner for a little while. But once I take over your father's kingdom, I won't need you anymore and shall dispose of you in a gruesome manner."

Zoe gaped at her in disbelief. "Uh...well...I'll escape!"

"You could, I suppose," Amon replied. "But during the day, you'll turn into a swan, only reverting back into your regular form at night. And that is only if there is a moon that night. So if you escape, nobody will recognize you, and with swan season right around the corner, you'll probably be killed and hung up on a hook. So if you want to try your luck in escaping, go ahead. You'll only be saving me the trouble of killing you. By the way, even if you leave during the day, you'll be dead by the time the moon comes up if Takuya doesn't give you a reason why he loves you other than your looks. So you're pretty much shit outta luck."

"I'll think of something," the princess threatened. "If you think you're going to-"

"Coffee's ready!" A young man hopped out of Amon's lair with a steaming cup. "Here you go, Mistress!"

Amon sighed. "Not now, Tim! Go back inside at once! Besides, I told you I wanted tea! Not coffee! So get your ass back into my lair and do it right before I skin you alive!"

"Right away!" Tim said merrily before skipping away.

The young woman sighed in annoyance, then looked back at Zoe. "Well, have a nice night. By morning, you'll be turned into swan."

"Wait a minute!" Zoe exclaimed as Amon turned to leave.

"What?" she snapped.

"If you were around when I was a baby and already scheming to overthrow my father, shouldn't you look at least a little older than me?" Zoe asked incredulously. "We look the same age!"

Amon rolled her eyes. "Magic. Now if you don't mind me, I have prisoners to torture and dim-witted assistants to skin alive."

She then disappeared into her lair, leaving Zoe outside next to the lake. Zoe sighed, sinking down to the ground as she stared into her reflection.

"Great...now what?" she wondered aloud.

"Hello!" a frog yelled, suddenly popping up next to her in the reflection.

"Ah, holy shit!" Zoe smacked the frog, sending him flying into a bush.

A turtle who was floating in the lake swam over to Zoe. "Nice shot!"

"What the hell is going on?" Zoe cried out. "A talking frog and a talking turtle? Where the fuck am I?"

"Don't forget the talking puffin," the turtle added just as a little puffin flew down from a tree.

"Hi!" the puffin said cheerfully.

The blond's eye twitched. "Wow...just...wow..."

"Sorry for scaring you," the frog apologized as he hopped back over. "I'm Kouichi, by the way. The turtle's name is Kouji, and the puffin's name is Tommy."

"I can introduce myself," Kouji snarled. "You always ruin my intros..."

"Oh, shut up, ya drama queen," Kouichi scoffed. "All you ever do is complain."

Tommy chuckled. "Don't mind those two, they fight all the time."

"It's because Kouji doesn't respect royalty!" Kouichi struck a pose. "I'm actually a prince stuck in a frog's body! Can't you tell?"

"Can you say 'delusional'?" Kouji said flatly.

Zoe groaned in dismay. "Terrific...I'm being held captive by a crazy bitch with a braindead assistant, and now I'm being surrounded by talking animals."

"There are three crazy squirrels that talk also," Tommy told her. "One is homicidal, one is actually rather pleasant, and one is just plain rabid and perverted. I'll have to introduce you to them later!"

"Ah, just kill me!" the princess banged her head into the ground repeatedly. "Dammit!"

"That's what I tell the homicidal one to do to me," Kouji told her. "But nooooo! He wants me to suffer! Well, Kyo! Someday I'll convince you that turtle blood tastes good! Put me out of my misery so that I don't have to deal with the wannabe Frog Prince!"

"You can call me 'Your Majesty'," Kouichi said, striking another pose before facing Zoe. "Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince!"

"No, I already have a prince." Zoe took a beer from Tommy. "But...he only likes me for my looks...at least, he couldn't give me any other reason for why he likes me."

Kouichi grinned. "Another reason why you should kiss me! Ditch that idiot and kiss me! You're hot!"

"Dammit! Why can't men find more reasons?" she cried out.

"Eh, it's not his fault that he's just a frog," Kouji pointed out. "He doesn't have same mental capacity as a human."

"Prince! I'm a prince, dammit!"

_Later that night_

"So...those were his exact dying words?" J.P. asked.

Upon returning to his kingdom, Takuya had had a bit of a mental breakdown and was given medication to calm down. Okay, he was tackled by the guards and given a tranquilizer shot in the ass and restrained with a strait-jacket until he had calmed down. Now he was in his bedroom surrounded by his servants, the queen, J.P. and Yasmin for some odd reason.

"My driver is drunk," she had told everyone. "So I'm stuck here till morning. Friggen bastard should've kept up with his AA program..."

"Yes, those were his exact words!" Takuya cried out to answer J.P.'s question. "What do you think he meant?"

One of his butler's chuckled. "Prince Takuya, he was merely quoting _The Simpsons Movie._ Those are the same lines that Grampa Simpson had in the church when he had that crazy vision."

"Oh...But we still gotta find Zoe!" the brunette exclaimed. "Sure, there's a huge possibility that she's dead. Probably a ninety-nine percent chance. But I'm feeling good about those figures!"

Yasmin dropped her gaze to the floor. "I can't believe she was kidnapped...or killed...or whatever! Now what am I gonna do?"

J.P. tried to drape an arm over her shoulders. "Don't worry, I'll comfort you-"

"I have a taser and I'm not afraid to use it!" she yelled, holding up the electric item. "I'll get you right in the nuts if you come near me! Just because our friends like each other, it doesn't mean that we have to like each other!"

"Eh, why can't the fat guy ever get a pretty girl?" J.P. whined. "When am I gonna be in the limelight in these fucking fairy tales?"

The authoress merely snickered evilly and continued writing, scheming a future story with J.P. as the main character. However, that story will still feature Takumi, so right there kills J.P.'s chances of getting Zoe. Haha!

"Bitch," J.P. grumbled as he crossed his arms. "One day, the damn authoress is gonna get mauled to death by a crazed squirrel. And I'll laugh at her demise! Laugh, I say!"

Moving on to a more exciting point, let's skip ahead to the next day. Zoe had tried to escape from Amon's garden during the day as a swan, having the misfortune of running into Takuya while he was out searching for her. Not realizing it was her, he shot at her with his bow and arrow, almost hitting her.

"Aaaahhhhh! It's me, you idiot!" Zoe cried out.

Tommy had flown with her and was attempting to get in Takuya's way to throw off his already horrible aim. "Stupid jackass! Quit shooting at her!"

"Gah! This fucking puffin won't get away!" Takuya swung at him, then tried to shoot Zoe again. "I'll kill this swan and bring it to Zoe as a present once I find her! Girls love dead birds as gifts!"

The arrow grazed Zoe's right wing, causing her to fall. "Mayday! Mayday! We're going down! I repeat! We're going down! Mayday!"

However, she managed to flap her wings at the last second, saving herself from falling to her death. She then flew back to the garden, since the moon was about to come up. She landed near the pond as Tommy followed her, who was being chased by an angry Takuya with a bow and arrow. Not a great combination with Takuya being the klutz that he is...

To make yet another long story short, Takuya saw Zoe turn back into her human form and so on and so forth. Needless to say, he almost creamed himself in excitement. He told Zoe to meet him at his palace the following night so that he could do all that lovey-dovey mushy shit to break the spell. The authoress doesn't like to write about that type of stuff very much, so she will skip over it. She prefers writing lemons, not going into the depth about stomach-churning 'I love you to death' crap. Takuya was too much of an idiot to do it right then and there to break the spell. Then again, Amon probably would've ripped him a new asshole. So the idiotic prince left Zoe at the lake, promising that he would break the spell the following night. Unfortunately, Amon had overheard the whole conversation and locked Zoe in a dungeon. She then broke the news that there would be no moon on the following night, therefore destroying Zoe's chances of reverting back to her human form. She also took the liberty of turning Tim into a Zoe look-alike to trick Takuya into thinking that he was actually her. So right now, Zoe was pretty fucked.

So of course, the next night Takuya was hosting his party and his mother drunkenly invited the Jonas Brothers to sing. They were shot on the spot by an intoxicated butler with a phobia of little boys who think they can actually sing. He was currently on the look-out for any more of those little tone-deaf bastards.

The butler cocked his rifle. "I'm waitin' for ya, Justin Bieber. Make my Millenium..."

"Oh, I'm so excited that my widdle baby is getting married!" Mildred exclaimed tearfully, trapping her son in a suffocating embrace. "It seems like just yesterday when you finally learned how to use the potty!"

"Mo-om!" Takuya wrenched himself away, red-faced as everyone around him laughed. "Oh, shut up! We all learn how to potty train at some point."

"I didn't," a man muttered as he walked by.

Before Takuya had the chance to get overly disgusted, he saw Zoe walk into the room. Well, it was actually Tim in disguise, seeing how Zoe was locked in a little dungeon. The princess was still in her swan form seeing how she was stuck that way for the night, and was devising a way to get out. With the help of her three crazy animal friends, she managed to escape and fly towards Takuya's kingdom. Amon saw her fly away, but merely sat back and laughed evilly.

"This should be good," she said to herself in a low voice. "I just hope that Tim doesn't screw this one up."

Again, since time is short, Zoe made her way to the castle just in time to see Takuya propose to her look-alike in front of everyone. He then leaned in and kissed Tim, making Zoe throw up in her mouth a bit.

"Ah, shit..." Knowing that Takuya had fucked things up completely, she had no choice but to fly back to the garden to die.

However, upon parting with Zoe's look-alike, the brunette had realized that she wasn't the real deal. What was the dead give-away? Well, Tim's face went back to normal after the kiss, nearly giving the poor boy a friggen heart attack. Takuya glanced out the window, seeing a swan flying away in the distance.

"Fuck! I gotta go after Zoe!" he yelled in an overly loud voice.

"So...The House of Pancakes is having a special today. Wanna go get a stack? If you get any syrup on yourself, I'll lick it off..." Tim flashed him a creepy grin, still standing there in a dress.

Takuya looked at him flatly. "Um, no..."

"Or we can get cupcakes! I'll lick the frosting off you!" Tim began to slowly undress provocatively.

"Oh, hell no!" Takuya exclaimed, shielding his eyes.

With that, he took off towards Amon's castle, leaving Tim behind with everyone else. The crazy man sauntered over to J.P., scanning the hefty young man up and down.

"I like the big boys..." he said quietly.

"Takuya, I'm coming with you!" J.P. yelled, dragging Yasmin along with him as he ran after his friend.

"Hey, let go of me! I can run by myself!" Yasmin yanked her arm out of his grip, quickly passing him and catching up to Takuya.

J.P. huffed and puffed. "God...dammit...can't...run...as fast... Slow down!"

Saving the authoress time and energy, by the time Takuya had arrived back to the garden, Zoe was already dead. She had reverted back to her human form in the process.

"Noooooo!" the brunette cried out dramatically as he held her in his arms. "That she-male tricked me!"

He suddenly heard an evil laugh from behind him. "Hm, looks like Tim pulled it off after all. I had my doubts about him, but he worked out perfectly."

Takuya raised an eyebrow. "You know that he's a creep, right?"

"Beggers can't be choosers," Amon replied dully. "I needed an assistant right then and there. But don't worry, he'll be replaced soon enough."

"I bring you love!" Tim skipped into the garden merrily with a basket of tulips.

Amon sighed in contempt, rubbing her temples. "Your idiocy irritates me..."

"Are you referring to me or him?" Takuya questioned.

"Both. Now that I've got you right where I want you, I'd say it's about time that I kill you," she speculated. "And then, I'll have control over both your and Zoe's castle! And then everyone will become my slaves!"

However, Kouji, Kouichi, and Tommy came out of their hiding places and tried to attack the evil woman. Unfortunately, Amon simply swatted them away like flies, a bored expression on her face.

"You'll have to do better than that," she said.

Yasmin stepped out from behind a tree and cut a rope, causing a metal cage to fall over Amon and trapping her inside.

"Hey! What the_ fuck!" _Amon began to bend the bars.

"NO! You can't do that!" Takuya complained. "We're the good guys, so in fairy tales, we're required to not only win, but to kill you as well."

However, since the authoress does not own Amon, she will not kill her. Instead, Amon was thrown into a portal where she would end up somewhere else on the planet to make another person's life a living hell. She wouldn't be gone forever...but long enough so that this tale can end before Doom's Day. Also, since main characters aren't allowed to die in fairy tales, Zoe was miraculously brought back to life with the snap of a finger. Bring out the little party blowers that make the funny high-pitched noise. Hooray...

To wrap up this little tale, here is what happened. Takuya finally gave Zoe a reason why he liked her other than the fact that she was hot; she made good brownies. Zoe accepted his reason and agreed to marry him. J.P. continued to flirt with Yasmin, only to be shot down every time. Tim had tried his luck with both Takuya and J.P., but had his ass kicked in the process by Zoe and Yasmin. Zoe kicked his ass for him hitting on and kissing Takuya, and Yasmin kicked his ass because he tried to steal her necklace.

Amon schemed to go back to her lair, killing and car-jacking many people in the process. Kouichi was kissed by some random girl, but did not change into a human. He was still in denial, though, and thought that he had, in fact, turned into a human prince. Kouji merely shook his head at the frog's stupidity, then fell asleep in the lake as he huddled into his shell in an emo manner. Tommy became the commander of an army of swans, getting the birds prepared for Amon's return. Everyone lived happily ever after until Amon finally returned. And then all Hell broke loose.

**That concludes yet another fairy tale. Let me know how you liked it and I'll get another one up and running soon. Updated list of future tales includes "Rumpelstiltskin", "The Little Mermaid", "Jack and the Beanstalk", "The Gingerbread Man", and possibly "Alice in Wonderland".**


	9. Chapter 9: Rumpelstiltskin

**We are back for yet another crazy chapter of this cracked out fairy tale parody. I hope you guys have enjoyed the chapters so far, and thank you to those who took their time to review! So on that note, read and review! Or face my wrath!**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 9: ****Rumpelstiltskin**

Okay, let's see what's in the mail... Junk mail. Well, that can be thrown away. Utility bill, old cell phone bill, and cable bill. Dammit, these bills are the bane of human existence... Mail from relatives? Burn those! Note to self; change address and phone number just in case. Relocate to Mexico under the name Eduardo. Then again, Eduardo probably wouldn't fit that well with a female...

Just then, Kouichi ran over and gave the authoress a tap on the shoulder. "Uh, excuse me."

What? Can't you see that I'm busy going through my mail and in the process of changing my identity?

"Well, a new fairy tale has started. You need to narrate it," he said nervously. "Everyone's waiting for you to begin."

WHAT! What do you you mean a new tale has started? Why the hell wasn't I informed about this? Jeez, way to fill me in on the memo, guys. Ah, sonofabitch... Hold on, let me get onto my rocking chair with my oversized glasses and cup of warm milk for special effects...

Alright, our beloved tale begins with a portly man by the name of J.P. Not even gonna go into details about just how big he was, but let's just say that he enjoys his bon bons. And fried foods...and butter...and baked goods...

"Okay! We get it!" J.P. angrily snarled, then picked up an apple. "See? I can eat just as healthy as the next guy!"

He then took a bite, only to spit it out a moment later. "Ugh, this apple tastes like sh-"

J.P. suddenly collapsed onto the floor with a heavy thud, causing a large plume of dirt to billow out around him on the kitchen floor. Damn, this dude needs to sweep more. Kouichi was supposed to dispose of this fucking apple after it nearly killed Zoe in the first chapter! And how the hell am I supposed to wake his fat ass up?

After several difficulties and paying a strange man named Tim, J.P. was awaked by his 'Prince Charming' so that this tale can get back up and running.

"Tim? Isn't that the crazy bastard from the last chapter?" J.P. demanded.

Possibly. Anyway, let's move along since J.P. is wasting precious time here. The plump man went to the castle one day, where King Takuya was the ruler. Trying to sound important, J.P. lied and told Takuya that his daughter, Zoe, could spin straw into gold. Now, not only is that a ridiculous notion to even think of, but Takuya was stupid enough to buy into it.

"Your daughter can spin straw into gold, eh?" King Takuya thought for a moment, then grinned in a goofy manner. "Send her over to my castle as soon as possible. I want her to do that so that I can get even richer."

Needless to say, Zoe did not exactly take the news very well.

"You told him what?" She edged closer to J.P., a metal baseball bat clutched in her hands.

Her obese father backed away from her, laughing nervously. "Now, calm down, Zoe. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not a big deal? According to you, he said that if I don't spin the straw into gold, he'll have me beheaded! How is that not a big deal?" she exclaimed, drawing closer with the bat.

"Is that a trick question?" J.P. asked. "Because you know how bad I am with trick questions."

"I'm gonna kill you!" With that, Zoe lunged at him, barely missing his head by her powerful swing.

"Eeep!" he cried out shrilly, scrambling away from her.

After many failed attempts to calm his daughter down, J.P. had no choice but to call up Takuya's castle. The king sent his guards over to the house to retrieve the blond girl, though she refused to go down without a fight. She managed to knock out three guards before she was caught in a large net. Zoe was then thrown into a delivery truck and shipped over to the kingdom, where Takuya was waiting for her. Upon unloading her from the large vehicle, Takuya signalled for his guards to remove the net off her.

"I'm gonna murder my dad as soon as I get back," Zoe muttered, then facepalmed after remembering her situation. "Ah, dammit! I won't be able to since I'm gonna be decapitated!"

Takuya chuckled, taking her arm to lead her into his castle. "Now, why would I decapitate a pretty girl such as yourself? You are _way_ too gorgeous for me to be that heartless."

"You mean, you're not going to kill me if I can't spin the straw into gold?" she asked hopefully.

However, the handsome king snorted. "Are you kidding me? Of course I'm gonna decapitate you if you can't spin straw into gold. I just won't do it if you manage to pull if off."

"What!" Zoe was dragged into a tower, then locked inside with nothing but bales of straw and a spinning wheel.

"Now, spin me some gold, my pretty little gold-spinner," Takuya said through the bars on the door. "You will be greatly rewarded when you do. And I'll make sure that you are given meals as well. There's a bathroom behind that door over there, just be careful when you go in there because there's a guy outside who hangs out in a tree all day. He has a video camera and a YouTube account. Beware! Trust me, I fell for his trap one time."

"What the hell were you doing in the tower in the first place?" Zoe asked incredulously.

Takuya looked around in a suspicious manner. "Just...things..."

With that, he walked away, leaving the poor girl behind in her tower. Groaning in frustration, Zoe sank to the floor. Her eye twitched, gazing at the bales of straw and the spinning wheel.

"Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll prick my finger on the damn spinning wheel and die," she grumbled.

Yet since that particular fairy tale has already been done, no such luck was in store for Zoe. Instead, she had no choice but to attempt to spin the straw into gold. Once again, J.P. was an idiot for coming up with such an absurd idea and Takuya was even stupider for believing it. Typical Frontier characters! Always lacking in the brains department.

"That's not our fault!" Takuya yelled from an undisclosed area of the castle.

It is not the authoress's concern, though, so his rant was ignored as usual. Getting back to Zoe, she spent two hours trying to get the straw spun into gold. Of course, it didn't work for you can't change the elements of such a material into another. Chemistry, people!

"Zoe and I have chemistry!" Takuya chimed in.

Not yet, Idiot! Quit interrupting the progress of this butchered yet somewhat improved fairy tale! Anyway, Zoe finally gave up on her gold-spinning, burying her face in her hands as she faced reality.

"I'm gonna be killed," she sobbed miserably. "I swear to god, when my head gets cut off, my moronic father will be the first person I haunt since he got me into this mess in the first place! And then I'm gonna haunt Takuya for being dumb enough to believe my father! Even the Ghostbusters won't be able to get rid of me!"

"So, you need a hand with your straw-spinning, I see."

Zoe jumped in surprise, her emerald eyes quickly scanning the room to search for the owner of the voice she just heard. "Who's there?"

"Me." A young man with light brown hair stepped out from behind one of the bales of straw. "I see that you're in a bit of a pickle."

"Pickle!" J.P. exclaimed about a mile away.

Shut up and stop thinking about food! This isn't your part, so pipe down and go sweep up that dirty floor of yours! The broom is right over there where you left it, where it is collecting dust and now houses a family of field mice. Enough with the damn interruptions already! I'm about to lose it and kill everyone with this wooden spoon! And I _can_ do it...

Zoe stared at the odd young man, raising an eyebrow. "Who the hell are you?"

"You can call me Tommy," he replied, sauntering over to her.

"How did you get in here? There are no windows and you weren't in here two hours ago when I was locked in," she pointed out.

Tommy leaned back against the wall casually. "That's classified information. But moving along, I see that you have to spin this here straw into gold. Am I right?"

The blond sighed. "You are in fact, correct. Unfortunately. It was nice meeting you, for I'll be headless by the end of the night since I can't magically spin this fucking straw into gold. It can't be done by any circumstances.."

"Oh, really?" Tommy sat down in front of the spinning wheel, then began to spin some straw into gold, much to Zoe's utter shock.

"How the fuck did you do that?" she pratically exclaimed as he handed her a gold bar to inspect.

"Once again, that's classified. But for a small price, I can spin this entire bulk of straw into gold bars to keep you from getting killed," Tommy told her.

Zoe smiled gratefully. "Okay, I have just the thing."

She reached over and somehow pulled a Blackberry phone out of an unseen portal, handing it over to him. The young man took and smirked, turning it in his hands.

"How did you do that?" he inquired.

"That's classified information," Zoe replied defensively.

Tommy put it in his pocket. "Fair enough, I suppose. Now let me spin the rest of this shit for you."

Twenty minutes later, all fifteen bales of straw had been spun into gold bars. Damn, I'm tracking Tommy's ass down and keeping him as a prisoner in my basement. Bastard needs to spin me some gold bars and get me outta debt!

Anyway, Tommy disappeared from the tower just as King Takuya showed up to inspect Zoe's work. To his amazement, several stacks of gold bars were piled in the room.

"Shit! Your old man wasn't kidding!" Takuya said excitedly, twirling Zoe around in a hug. "I'm even richer than before!"

"Aaaah! Put me down!" Zoe cried out, his arms digging into her body as he swung her.

Unfortunately, the clumsy brunette lost his balance, sending both of them crashing into one of the gold stacks. The tower of bars fell over with them on top of it, Takuya's face buried in Zoe's chest.

"I want you to spin more tomorrow!" he exclaimed, his voice muffled by Zoe's large...uh...assets.

The blond sweatdropped, relieved that she had lived to see another day. Or night...whatever. Anyway, as a reward, Takuya allowed her to not only eat dinner with him, but to sleep in his bedroom with him that night. Lucky girl, huh?

"Oh, shut up," Zoe muttered, blushing nonetheless.

Don't push me. If I want to, I can tell everyone that you two had mind-blowing sex for three hours straight.

"No!" She turned even redder, while Takuya suffered a nosebleed in the other room.

"Yeah! I'm all for that!" he chimed in, his boner out in the open for the entire castle to see.

Zoe covered his crotch with a pillow, then dragged him out of the room. "No, we're all set!"

Moving along from Takuya and Zoe's passionate nightly escapades that may or may not have happened... Ha! It happened!

"Eh, dammit!" J.P. cried out. "Not my Zoe!"

For the billionth time, shut your fucking piehole! Besides, she's your daughter in this, so no incest!

"Incest is best!" a random man yelled from outside the kingdom. "Let's keep it in the family!"

...Anyway, the next day, Zoe was sent back into the tower to spin more straw into gold. This time, there were twice as many bales of straw as before, and once again, Tommy mysteriously showed up out of nowhere. In exchange for his services, Zoe gave him a PSP, as well as ten games to go along with it.

"Nice..." Tommy pocketed the device, then quickly went to work at the spinning wheel.

He managed to spin the entire bulk in only thirty minutes, which was amazing since there were thirty bales of straw. That's record time, so Tommy will be put in the Guinness Book of World Records as fastest the gold-spinner using straw.

Again, Takuya rewarded Zoe with an awesome meal, which he thankfully didn't cook himself. Poor girl would've died if he had been in charge of that job. The last time Takuya cooked a damn meal, the entire kingdom got food poisoning, himself included. Not a pretty sight... The king took Zoe to bed with him a second time, giving her a sexy little nightgown to sleep in. The pervert fondled her chest for most of the night, enjoying the fact that Zoe had a habit of 'kneeing' him in her sleep. Takuya not only got a boner from knee constantly rubbing up against him, but he also creamed himself in excitement. Zoe had yet to find out about that information.

"WHAT?" Zoe stared at the authoress in surprised disgust.

Oh, don't pretend like you didn't like it. Jeez, accept the Takuminess, dammit! It will prevail because of its psychotic followers. Takumi badges and pins will be passed out along with cookies at noon. Bring a friend and convert them to the beauty of Takumi!

On the third and final day of Zoe's gold-spinning, the girl attempted to pay Tommy for his services with an iPod. However, the young brunette gave it back to her without so much as a second glance.

"I already have one," he stated. "Got anything else?"

"Umm..." Zoe fumbled around to find something else to award him with. "How about...an XBox?"

"Already have one," Tommy replied.

The blond cursed. "A private jet?"

"I hate air travel. Plus I don't need a jet anyway."

"I guess a car is out of the question then, huh?" Zoe thought frantically, desperate not to lose her head. "How about a new dishwasher?"

"I don't believe in dishwashers," the boy replied. "No household items, thank you."

"A puppy?"

"I'm not a pet person."

"A laptop?"

"Have one."

"The tenth season of _South Park_? It's uncut," Zoe said, waving the DVD in front of him.

Tommy shook his head. "No, Cartman freaks me out. I don't like loud, obnoxious, obese people who hate the Jewish."

"Well, what the hell do you want then?" she exclaimed, out of ideas. "Tell me what you want, and whatever it is, you can have it!"

"Well...there is one thing..." Tommy's eyes went dark. "I want your first-born child."

Zoe stared at him as if he had ten heads. "Come again?"

"You heard me. I want your first-born child," he repeated. "When you have your first baby, I want him. Or her."

The blond gaped at him. "I can't do that! Are you insane?"

"Fine, enjoy your last hours before you get beheaded." With that, Tommy turned to leave.

"Wait!" Zoe grabbed onto his sleeve, stopping him. "I-I'll do it! Just spin the gold and I promise that you can have my first child."

Tommy grinned and shook hands with her to seal their agreement, then went to work in spinning the sixty bales of straw. Zoe then slinked away into a corner, watching him nervously. _Note to self_, she thought. _Never have children._

After an hour, Tommy finished his work and left Zoe alone in the tower with the bars of gold. Takuya came in moments later, almost suffering a heart attack by what he saw.

"I'm the richest man alive!" He then looked over at Zoe, a crazed expression on his face. "You! I'm going to marry you! Any objections?"

"I'm not going to get beheaded, am I?" she asked.

Takuya kissed one of the gold bars, then gave it a lick for some strange reason. "Only if you deny my offer."

Zoe sighed. "Then it looks like we're getting married."

The next day, she married the idiotic king and became his queen. Although Takuya was probably one of the dumbest guys she had ever met, she couldn't help but fall in love with him anyway. Zoe was too ashamed to tell Takuya about her promise to Tommy, so she simply told him that she did not want kids. On top of that, she took birth control pills and made Takuya put on a condem whenever they had sex. However, Takuya wanted children and poked tiny holes in his condems. After only a week of marriage, he managed to impregnate Zoe.

"What? I was on the pill!" Zoe exclaimed angrily.

Yeah, Takuya replaced those with sugar pills. Placebos are what we usually call them. I know, I'm just as surprised that he thought of such an ingenious tactic. Maybe there is hope for him yet.

"I'm gonna call you 'Roy'." Takuya petted a houseplant, then tried to feed it a dog biscuit. "Good boy..."

...Or maybe not. Getting back to Zoe's problem-

"Hey! What about me?" J.P. angrily demanded. "Zoe's free again, so how come I'm not mentioned? She probably would've visited me by now!"

Okay, J.P. was run over by an ice cream bus, so he will no longer be in the story. Yes, an ice cream bus, not an ice cream truck. Why? Because. Simple as that. Zoe mourned over her father's humorous demise for about five minutes, then turned her attention back to her own problem. Zoe now had no choice but to tell Takuya what had really happened.

"So, a weird little guy named Tommy did all of that for you?" he asked her.

Zoe nodded sadly. "I didn't want to be killed...so I let him do it for me in exchange for gifts. Are you mad at me?"

"Well..." Takuya didn't have time to finish his sentence as Zoe climbed onto his lap, giving him the puppy face.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered, kissing his neck softly. "You're not going to kill me...are you?"

Doi-oi-oing!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the sound of Takuya getting his third boner in this tale so far. That's a new record! Takuya gets put in the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the highest number of boners in a fairy tale. So needless to say, Takuya absolutely refused to kill Zoe. Instead, he took her to the bedroom to have sex with her. Yes, you can have sex while pregnant. Just no extreme rough-housing!

"So...what are we gonna do?" Zoe finally asked, looking over at her husband in bed.

"Uh...let's just wait for the bastard to show up and then we'll go from there. I'll kill him if he tries to take the baby," Takuya replied as he raised himself up one elbow.

"But he has magical powers," Zoe told him. "How else would he have been able to spin the straw into gold? We might not be able to kill him."

The brunette leaned down and kissed his wife. "Don't worry, we'll think of something. We have nine months to worry about it, so that will give us plenty of time to think of a solution.

_Nine months later!_

"...Dammit, that was quick," Takuya muttered, scratching his head in puzzlement. "Time has no meaning in fairy tales, does it?"

"Nope." Zoe cradled their newborn son in her arms, rocking him to sleep. "Now, what should we name the baby?"

Just then, Kouichi, the new chimney sweeper, stepped into the room. "How about Roy?"

"No! That's my pet plant's name!" Takuya exclaimed. "I'll name my son after one of my favorite anime characters!"

Kouichi and Zoe exchanged worried glances. "Oh, boy..."

"How about Makoto?" he suggested.

"That bastard from _School Days_ who slept with like eight girls?" Zoe scoffed. "No, try again."

"Sasuke?"

Kouichi snorted with laughter, then made his voice high-pitched and girly. "OMG! Sasuke! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke! ZOMG, I love you Sasuke-kun!"

"Hm, you've got a point there..." Takuya thought for a moment. "Inuyasha?"

"No!" Kouichi and Zoe exclaimed.

To settle this, the name of the baby will be drawn from a hat. Takuya wrote ten of his favorite anime characters' names on seperate pieces of paper, then Kouichi pulled out the first one he grabbed.

"And the winner is...Light Yagami from _Death Note_!" he declared.

"Hell yeah!" Takuya pumped his fist in the air.

"What? I have to name my kid Light Yagami?" Zoe asked in disbelievement.

Takuya nodded. "Yup. Speaking of which, does Light have a cousin named Taichi? Or a sister named Hikari?"

"Wrong Yagami," Kouichi said flatly.

Moving along, Takuya and Zoe's son was named Light Yagami Kanbara. Has a nice ring to it I suppose... But moving along, Tommy arrived that night to claim the child as his reward.

"Gimme the kid," he stated bluntly.

Zoe held the baby in her arms tightly. "No! You're not taking my son!"

"Hey, a deal's a deal. We had an agreement," Tommy pointed out.

Takuya glared at him, wrapping his arms around his wife. "Yeah? Do you have a written contract that was signed by both of you?"

"No, but we shook hands," the boy replied.

"Dammit," the king cursed. "This is gonna be tough to get out of..."

Kouichi merely sighed and shook his head at Takuya's dim-witted mind, busying himself by cleaning the chimney. Zoe continued to hold onto Light, refusing to let him go.

"You're not taking him," she said defiantly. "If you want him, then you'll have to kill me."

Tommy shrugged, then pulled out a machete. "Okay."

"WHAT?" Takuya and Zoe stared at him, their eyes bulged out.

However, he put the blade away a moment later. "Actually, I'll make a deal with you. If you can guess my name within three days, then you can keep the kid. But if you don't guess correctly by the third night, not only will I take your baby, but I'll take Zoe as well."

"Your name is Tommy!" Takuya exclaimed triumphantly. "So I get to keep my wife and son! Haha! You're an idiot!"

"Actually, _you're _the idiot," Tommy replied flatly. "Tommy is only my alias, not my real name. So you have seven days to guess what it is."

Kouichi stuck his head out of the chimney. "I thought you said that they had three days."

Tommy facepalmed. "Yeah, you're right. My bad. Seven days if you watch my secret video tape. If the viewer watches it, they'll die within seven days."

"Really? What movie is it?" Takuya asked.

_"Bring It On: All or Nothing," _the boy said. "It lacked the spirit fingers to keep the watcher alive."

"What the fuck are spirit fingers?" the confused king inquired.

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Nevermind. Just guess my name correctly or your family is mine. Have a nice three days. I'll be back on the third night."

Desperate to figure out the boy's name, and since we are running short of time, Takuya sent out his best spy, Kouji. Kouji's job was to track down Tommy and spy on him, finding out his real name in the process.

"Finally! I get to be in this story!" Kouji smirked at his newfound self-importance.

Since I don't find him to be very deserving of much screen time, Kouji failed miserably on his first two nights of searching for Tommy. He finally located the brunette in an apartment building, right next to a McDonald's. His apartment window had a perfect shot of the fast food restaurant's drive-thru window, which was convenient whenever he needed to work on his target practice.

"I am saving the world from obesity," he muttered, firing his sniper rifle at the drive-thru.

A splatter of condiments sprayed in every direction, and the driver frantically sped off in fear. No, Tommy's not killing anyone in this fairy tale. Maybe the next one or whatever. Upon blowing up that burger right inside of its bag, he grinned victoriously.

"Yes! I am the greatest shooter in the world!" he yelled out for Kouji to hear. "My ridiculous name is Rumpeltstiltskin and I'm about to get me a baby and a blond chick! They'll never find out what my name is! Hahahaha!"

Kouji wrote down his name, then rushed back to the kingdom to share his discovery. That night, Tommy showed up to the castle to claim his 'prizes' or whatever you wanna call them.

"Okay, so have you figured out what my name is?" he asked haughtily.

"Yes!" Takuya stood up and smirked at him. "You're name is Rumpled Foreskin!"

Zoe, Kouichi, Kouji, and even Light all facepalmed, groaning at the king's stupidity. "You moron!"

"Haha! You guessed incorrectly! Now your wife and child are mine!" Tommy tried to grin evilly, which didn't work out too well.

"Awwww...I just wanna pinch his cheeks!" Zoe gushed. "He's so cute when he tries to be intimidating!"

"Be quiet! I _am_ intimidating! I'm frightening!" Tommy shouted. "Now come with me, Zoe. You and your baby belong to me now!"

Pfft, yeah...Tommy intimidating. Might as well call Takuya a rocket science. Or call J.P. anorexic. Or think that Kouji is a pleasant person. Or Kouichi-

"Okay! We get it!" they all yelled.

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Fine, you have one more chance to guess my name."

"Rumpelstiltskin!" Zoe exclaimed. "That's your real name!"

"Nope. I saw your emo spy stalking me, so I purposely shouted out the wrong name," Tommy replied. "So now you're coming with me!"

"Wait a minute!" Kouichi stepped forward. "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!"

Tommy's eyes widened. "Y-you guessed my name. Nooooooooooo!"

With that, he shrunk down into a the size of one of those G.I. Joe dolls, falling right into a tiny toy city.

"He's not a doll! He's an action figure!" Kouji snapped.

"Okay, okay. Tommy shrunk down to the size of a G.I. Joe _action figure_. Happy now? Anyway, the others knelt down and watched as he trudged along the toy path, making his way to the plastic titty bar.

"Sonofabitch," he muttered, disappearing inside. "I need a damn drink..."

"How did you know his name?" Takuya asked Kouichi in awe, just as surprised as the others.

Kouichi shrugged. "I dunno..."

Now that Tommy aka Beetlejuice was no longer a threat, Takuya and Zoe were free to keep their baby. Kouichi was promoted from chimney sweeper to butler, and Kouji was fired from his job as a spy since he sucked at it. He was demoted to chimney sweeper, where he had to be trained by Kouichi. J.P. was still dead from being crushed by an ice cream bus, and Tommy aka Beetlejuice spent most of his time in that toy bar.

"So, do you come here often?" he asked a Barbie doll in a slurred voice.

The doll stared back at him vacantly, obviously an inanimate object. The boy simply nodded at her, taking a sip from his beer that was somehow real.

"Yeah, me too," he said.

**Okay, and that ends another stupid chapter of "Deranged Crack Tales"! I hope you liked it, so please review and let me know. Future chapters include "The Little Mermaid", "Jack and the Beanstalk", "The Gingerbread Man", and possibly "Alice in Wonderland". Again, I'm still debating that one since someone already wrote a story with that theme. We'll see how it goes.**


	10. Chapter 10: The Little Mermaid

**We're back with yet another chapter of "Deranged Crack Tales". I finally got into a decent mood and was able to write something funny. Or something that's supposed to be funny at least. I'll let you guys be the judges. Oh, and this chapter has digimon characters from seasons 1-4, so maybe you guys will like that, too. So on that note, please read and review.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 10: The Little Mermaid**

Deep beneath the sea, past the lost city of Atlantis and a quarter mile away from what used to be the city of Chicago, there was a great underwater kingdom. The kingdom was made up of mermaids and merman. Or are they called mermaidmen? But then, wouldn't people associate that term with Mermaid Man from _Spongebob Squarepants_? You know, like Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, the two elderly and senile superheroes. But anyway, the ruler of the great underwater kingdom was a merman/mermaid man named J.P.

"Hell yeah! I'm the ruler of the ocean!" J.P. did a little victory dance.

However, J.P. should not get too excited, for if he gets overly cocky, Poseidon will smite his ass.

"Aww..." He sulked, swimming away sullenly as he twiddled his fingers.

Anyway, J.P. had seven beautiful daughters. Yes seven freaking daughters. His wife couldn't keep her legs closed apparently. But wait...mermaids don't have fucking legs! What the fuck...? But moving on, he had seven mermaid daughters, all of whom he cared about in a non-creepy paternal manner. Right, J.P.?

"Right!" he replied obediently.

Sora was his eldest daughter, followed by Mimi, Yolei, Kari, Rika, Jeri, and finally Zoe. Zoe, being the youngest, was usually watched over the most, especially after that one time her father had caught her smoking from a bong that she had found underwater. Again, how did she manage to smoke something underwater? The world may never know.

Being too busy and/or lazy to keep an eye on her at all times, J.P. assigned two sea creatures to stalk her. One was a happy-go-lucky fish named Kouichi, while the other was an anxiety-ridden crab named Kouji. Well, actually, Zoe was friends with the fish, so he didn't count as a stalker. The crab was forced to follow her against his will, but he was deemed as a stalker anyway.

"Hmmph!" Kouji tried to flip off the authoress, but could not since he has claws. "Bitch..."

Moving on, Zoe was obsessed about learning about life above the ocean, so she constantly swam to the surface to see what went on up there. She befriended a crazy seagull named Davis, who seemed to be an 'expert' when it came to 'humans'. Yes, Zoe dreamed of becoming human since she was so fucking sick and tired of swimming 24/7.

Okay, let's speed up the process of the story and skip over the non-important details that can be easily ignored. One day Zoe swam up to the surface against her father's permission and saw a huge ship that was hosting a party. Curious, she leapt onto the side of the large boat and peeked through the bars on the railing, unseen by anyone on board.

Standing in the middle of the boat, there was a handsome young man named Takuya. Of course, he was a prince, so that little fact is hardly mentionable. But anyway, he was surrounded by six of his friends named Matt, Tai, Ken, T.K., Ryo, and Takato. By the looks of the birthday banners that read 'Happy Birthday, Takuya!', it was obvious that it was Takuya's birthday. Either that or everyone was too drunk to know otherwise.

"Hey! How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?" Takuya asked through half-lidded eyes.

His friends exchanged questioning glances, then looked back at him. "How?"

"He forgot to wrap his whopper!" Takuya exclaimed with a crazed laugh, then took a huge swig of his mug of beer.

The six other drunk men laughed at the idiotic joke, all of them too hammered to realize just how stupid it was. Instead, they merely clinked their foamy glasses of beer together, celebrating the happy occasion. They then downed their glasses, before throwing the mugs overboard. Zoe ducked out of the way to avoid being hit.

"Idiots," she muttered.

Though she had to admit that the one who had the told the stupid joke, Takuya, was extremely good-looking. Made her all hot and bothered if you're catching the drift.. As she watched the wasted group of friends dance happily to some music, some overhead clouds grew black. A split second later, it began to pour cats and dogs.

"Ah, goddammit!" Takuya cried out as a Chihauhau landed on his head. "I've been hit by a rat!"

"I've been hit by a wet pussy!" Tai wrested the angry, drenched cat off his shirt. "Too bad it's not the type I'm interested in!"

Matt gazed into the sky, wobbling as water and animals continued to fall. "At least it's not raining men like in that stupid song..."

However, a naked man darted from the clouds, wacking off to a picture of a young child. "I love children!" With that, he landed in the ocean with a splash.

"Did that pedophile just fall from the sky?" Takuya yelled out, tripping over a keg of beer. "How is that possible?"

"Anything is possible in the laws of gravity when it comes to anime!" Ken pointed out as he hiccupped.

Ryo raised an eyebrow. "Is it gravity? I don't know right now..."

Moving on, the storm became so dangerous that everyone had to evacuate the ship. They loaded into lifeboats, drifting away from the ship that had somehow caught fire in the process.

"Okay, we're safe," T.K. said with a sigh of relief.

However, Takato looked around. "Hey...are we forgetting someone?"

"YOU ASSHOLES! YOU LEFT ME ON THE FUCKING BOAT!" Takuya shouted from the flaming ship, flailing his arms around. "HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THIS? IF I MAKE IT OFF THIS SHIP ALIVE, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

His friends exchanged glances. "Umm...oops..."

Not wanting to be burned alive like a witch in Salem, the idiotic brunette jumped overboard as his friends paddled away. Zoe had since jumped off the railing and back into the ocean.

"I can't just let him drown like this," she mused to herself as she swam over. "I'll just bring him to the shore and that's it..."

Takuya noticed the gorgeous blond swimming over to him and grinned stupidly. "Hey there, cutie! I like that little shell bra you're wearing. Will it come off if I untie the string with my teeth?"

Zoe smacked him over the head, sweatdropping. "Pervert..."

"Oh, don't be like that, my little kumquat! I would love to take you out sometime," he told her, slinging an arm over her shoulder.

The blond debated on whether or not she should just let the moron drown. However, that had the closest she had ever been to a normal...well, maybe not _completely_ normal, human. But hey, beggers can't be choosers. Besides, Zoe felt herself drawn to the prince despite his drunken antics. She allowed him to hang onto her as she swam them to the shore, his friends now out of sight.

"Wheee! This is just like Sea World!" Takuya laughed, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. "But at Sea World, I was riding a whale as oppose to using you as a floatation device. Speaking of which, I'd much rather ride you instead of the whale and your boobs are big enough to be their own floatation devices. No wonder you're not sinking!"

As he rambled on, Zoe finally swam them close enough to the shore where Takuya could walk on his own accord. She was about to reluctantly swim away and go back home when the brunette suddenly grabbed her.

"Hey! What are you doing?" she exclaimed as he picked her up bridle-style.

"I'ma takin' you home!" he told her happily, carrying her with him as he walked towards the beach.

Zoe writhed and struggled in his grip, surprised at just how strong a wasted guy could be. "I can't go home with you! Let me go, you idiot!"

Takuya smiled. "Of course you can! I see that you're half-woman half-fish, which is freakin' sweet! It's like you're some kind of mermaid!"

Part of the blond wanted to go with him, yet with Takuya in the condition that he was in, she would most likely die. So she kept trying to struggle free of his grip.

"I love you!" he suddenly exclaimed, planting a firm kiss on her lips.

Zoe's green eyes widened as he kissed her, and she relented by kissing him back. You could almost see the pastel heart background behind her. However, just as Takuya reached the beach, he slipped on a wet rock and fell backward. The force catapulted Zoe back into the ocean, which was probably better due to the fact that she would most likely die within ten minutes of leaving. To make matters worse, Takuya had hit his head on a rock when he landed, knocking him out momentarily.

"It just wasn't meant to be," Zoe said to herself, sadly swimming away. "At least he survived that conk on the head... I saw him breathing, so all is good..."

A few minutes later, Takuya's friends returned to help him. Although dazed and confused, Takuya babbled on and on about a beautiful blond girl with large knockers wearing a shell bra. The others had been amazed until he told them that she was a mermaid. Deeming him to crazy, they brought him back to his kingdom where Takuya began to scheme to find her.

"Zoe! What on earth were you doing?" Kouji the angry crab nagged just as he found her. "You were up there with the humans!"

"Yeah, so?" She rolled her eyes as she swam away. "It's not like I'll ever see them again. Or Takuya for that matter..."

"Takuya? Who's Takuya?" Kouji demanded. "Oh, you're father will have a fit when he finds out!"

Kouichi chuckled, nudging Zoe's arm lightly. "Yeah, I saw the way he was looking at you... And then when he kissed you... Man, that was epic!"

"WHAT?" The crab's jaw dropped down. "I'm telling your father!"

"Jeez, will you relax?" Zoe sighed. "It was just a little kiss... Just ignore the fact that I've fallen in love with him and plan on deserting everyone and everything that I've grown up with."

"Wha-wha-WHAAAAAAAT?" Kouji continued to babble incoherently. "But! ...You can't just...! There's no way...! Aaaahhh, goddammit! His Majesty will serve me on a platter for this one..."

Zoe waved her hand dismissively. "Eh, he'll get over it."

Kouichi thought for a moment. "Well, how do you plan on being with Takuya anyway? No offense, but he can't live underwater forever and you'll die if you stay out of the water for too long. Face it- either he needs to turn into a merman or you need to become human."

The blond sighed. "Yeah...I might as well just forget about the whole thing..."

Just as she arrived home, Kouji, being the little bastard that he is, ratted Zoe out about her little meeting with Takuya. To put it lightly, J.P. didn't take the news very well.

"WHAT?" J.P. angrily glared at Zoe. "I told you to stay away from the humans! They're monsters, I say! Monsters! All they want to do is catch us in nets, roll us in bread crumbs, and cook us in oil! It's barbaric!"

Kouichi discreetly hid his plate of fishsticks. "Nobody saw anything..."

Zoe stared at her father defiantly. "But, Dad, nothing happened!"

"You kissed that Takuya guy!" Kouji exclaimed.

"Will you shut up?" Zoe smacked him, sending him flying into a large piece of coral. "Asshole..."

J.P. huffed. "That's it! I hereby forbid you to ever see this Takuya guy ever again! If I ever find out that you went to the surface again to see the humans, I'll lock you up forever!"

"I hate you!" With that, Zoe swam away, furious and heartbroken.

Kouichi glanced over at J.P. "Way to go. You made her act out in that teenage angst crap. She took up the attitude that usually goes to Kouji."

"Oh, shut up," the crab muttered as he pried himself out of the coral. "Dammit..."

As Zoe swam aimlessly through the ocean, she came across two eels. She followed them to an undisclosed area, meeting an ugly sea witch named Ursula. Skipping ahead, Usula offered Zoe to become a human in an attempt to find Takuya in exchange for her voice.

"So I'd basically be abandoning my family, my home, and my voice just to find a guy that I've only known for five minutes," Zoe mused.

The ugly-ass sea witch nodded. "Yup. The spell will become permanant if you kiss the man of your dreams and you can be a human forever. And you'll get your voice back, too. But if you don't kiss him within three days, not only will you change back into a mermaid, but you'll become my prisoner."

Zoe thought for a moment. "Eh, I'll take the offer. My dad annoys the hell out of me, so even if I become your prisoner, I won't have to listen to his stupid rants."

"Excellent!" Usula twiddled her fingers like Mr. Skinner from _The Simpsons_, then transformed Zoe into a human. "Now swim to the surface before you drown!"

Zoe struggled to get to the surface, running into Kouichi and Kouji along the way. They assisted her before she drowned, which was surprising since Kouji's not the type to help people.

"Screw you," the angry little crab muttered.

Upon reaching the surface, Zoe gasped for air, finally experiencing what it was like to potentially drown. She tried to speak, but of course, she couldn't seeing how she traded it in for a nice pair of legs. The blond began to paddle her way to a more shallow area, getting closer to the shore of the beach. It was awkward without her mermaid tail, but Kouichi helped her along while the emo crab dawdled behind.

"So, now what?" Kouji asked. "You just abandoned your entire freaking lifestyle and ditched your family. And all for a stupid guy!"

"Hey, at least she got a sexy pair of legs out of it," Kouichi told him. "Unfortunately, she's now naked from the waist down. We need to find her something to wear. She can't just walk around with a shell bra on; she'll get thrown into an ice cream truck and raped."

"Walk?" Kouji scoffed. "She doesn't know how to walk!"

Zoe rolled her eyes, then attempted to stand as she got to the shore. She was shaky, but she somehow managed not to fall over. Yet she just stood there for several seconds, since she didn't know how to walk. Just then, Davis, the crazy seagull flew over with a skirt he had just swiped off a clothesline.

"Hey, guys!" he exclaimed, flying over to the trio. "Look what I got! And who's the blond chick with the legs? She looks familiar."

"That's Zoe, you imbecile!" Kouji snapped. "She went and traded her fucking voice in order to be human. And she completely ditched her family."

Davis gawked at Zoe, but quickly cheered. "Wow! I didn't know you were so rebellious! That'll show your uptight father!"

"Hey, can we have that?" Kouichi grabbed the skirt from the bird before he could reply. "We need to cover her up so she doesn't get raped."

"Yeah, I've witnessed my share of rapes," Davis mused as Zoe clumsily put the skirt on. "One of them took place right on this here beach. But everyone just kind of ignored it and walked past the spectacle. I'm telling ya, people are crazy."

As he continued to babble on and on, Zoe began to take a few steps forward, trembling as she struggled not to fall. It was hard work and she felt like a toddler learning how to walk.

_This is harder than it looks, _she thought to herself since she couldn't talk.

She made her way over to the beach, one shaky step at a time. Kouichi cursed since he couldn't get out of the water to join her and Kouji bitched to himself. Davis forgot what he was doing and went to attack a man with a large sub. A sandwich, that is. Meatball to be exact. Or was it chicken parm? Ham and cheese maybe?

Anyway, Zoe suddenly pitched forward, losing her balance. Yet before she could fall, a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around her, steadying her. When she looked up to see who had caught her, Zoe was shocked to see that it was the handsome idiot who she had swam back to shore with after the ship incident. The handsome idiot known as Takuya.

"Wow, almost fell on your face for a second," he laughed, holding onto her tight. "Drunk or something?"

Zoe frowned and almost smacked him upside the head._ I am not drunk! I'm learning how to walk! Friggen jerk..._ But he was a hot jerk. A really hot jerk. So Zoe looked past his simple-mindedness and merely shook her head.

"Well, you look like you're having a bit of trouble there," Takuya speculated. "Do you live around here?"

_Ah, shit,_ Zoe thought._ I don't have anywhere to go! I should've grabbed some freaking treasure so that I could've stayed in a damn hotel. Now what?_

Again, the blond shook her head at his question, looking at him with a sad face. Without realizing it, she had given him the puppy eyes and Takuya began to drool.

"Oh, you're pretty," he babbled like an idiot. "You can stay with me! I'd be happy to put you up. Plus I need someone to help me deal with my stupid friends. Did you know that they left me on a burning ship while they sailed away on a lifeboat? The nerve of those guys!"

As they walked along the beach, Takuya realized that he didn't know the girl's name. Zoe kindly spelled her name out in the sand for him, though for some strange reason, he couldn't read things written in sand. Eventually, Zoe had to write her name on Takuya's forehead using a Sharpie. Despite the fact that it came out backwards in a mirror, Takuya managed to read it. Huh, he can't read a simple name written in the sand, yet he can read it backwards in a mirror. Go figure. And where did he get the mirror you ask? Davis coughed it up as he flew overhead to spy on them.

After escorting Zoe back to his seaside palace, Takuya showed her around the place and even invited her to his bedroom. Thrilled that Takuya finally brought home a girl who wasn't a wanted felon, his servants celebrated and treated Zoe like a princess. Takuya's friends just got drunk in the game room, completely oblivious of their surroundings. Kouji and Kouichi managed to find ways to spy on the couple, both of them being too afraid to face J.P.'s wrath.

_Meanwhile_

"Search all over the ocean for Zoe!" J.P. bellowed angrily. "No one rests until she's found!"

"I wonder where she went," Sora mused.

Mimi smiled. "Maybe she went shopping!"

Rika raised an eyebrow. "For eight hours? Not even you could manage that one, Mimi."

"Wanna bet?" Mimi challenged, holding up a treasure chest that she had stolen from her dad's vault.

"I hope Zoe's okay," Jeri said worridly.

"Me, too," Kari added.

Yolei thought for a moment. "Maybe she ran off with some guy."

The six of them pondered the thought before shaking their heads. "Nah, that's not it."

J.P. looked at some of his servants. "Joe! Look for Zoe in the eastern direction!"

"Yes, Your Highness!" Joe the merman swam away in seach of the blond.

"Izzy! You look in the western area! Cody! You look in the northern direction!" J.P. ordered two other merman.

"Yes, Your Majesty!" they replied unanimously before swimming away to their designated areas.

J.P. then looked at another servant. "Henry!"

"Yes?" Henry smiled. "Do you want me to look in the southern area of the ocean?"

"No! Bring me a sandwich!" his leader demanded.

Henry immediately sulked. "Aw, I don't want to-"

J.P. smacked him. "I said bring me a sandwich! Pronto!"

Muttering obsceneties under his breath, the raven-haired merman went to make a sandwich for his obese ruler. J.P. sighed and rubbed his temples.

"I'm getting too old for this shit." He glanced at a mirror, his eyes suddenly growing wide. "WHAT? A white hair? And beard stubble? NOOOOOO! Dammit, Zoe! You're making me age!"

_Back with Zoe_

Over the next two days, Zoe tried to get Takuya to kiss her. The brunette would've kissed her, but everytime he went to, he was attacked by various sea animals that appeared out of nowhere.

"I swear, these animals are coming out of nowhere!" he exclaimed, tossing a lobster out the window. "How are they getting in here? I almost had a _Jaws_ experience while taking a bath! Isn't that insane?"

To skip ahead, that night, a pretty woman wandered over to the castle, looking for a place to stay. The woman was none other than Ursula, the ugly bitch in disguise, using Zoe's voice to cover up her own raspy voice. Her own voice sounded like a cat with lung cancer caught in a dish washer while scraping its claws against a chalkboard. Yeah, not a pretty sound. However, no one knew that she was Ursula. Zoe had her suspicions, but couldn't prove anything.

Anyway, being the old slut that she was, Ursula seduced Takuya and made him plan a wedding for the next day. Ah, the joys of money and caterers working 24/7. Lucky assholes need to learn to spread the wealth...

Moving on, the next day Takuya, Ursula-in-disguise and pretty much everyone else on the godforsaken island other than Zoe sailed away on a huge wedding yacht. Zoe watched them sail away, heartbroken and pissed off.

_I can't believe this is happening,_ she thought to herself. _Oh, wait, yeah I can. Shit like this always happens in these freaking fairy tales. Should've expected this to happen. Especially since Takuya's a moron and is tricked easily._

"Sorry about Takuya dumping you," Kouichi said sadly.

"It was for the best," Kouji said, only to be swatted into the water by Zoe. "Ow, dammit!"

Kouichi snickered, then realized the seriousness of the situation. "So...what do we do now?"

Zoe shrugged solemnly, playing with a strand of hair. _Looks like I'll be that fat bitch's prisoner... Great..._

"Guys! Guys! HEEEEY YOOUUU GUUUUYSSSS!" Davis flew towards them in a panic, reenacting Sloth from _The Goonies_. "I just found out the most terrible-"

He promptly crashed into a cliff, then fell into the water. Kouji, who was on his way back to the shore, grabbed the moronic bird by his ankle and dragged him back with him.

Once he had been dragged over, Kouichi looked at the seagull with concern. "What happened? Was the girl who stole Takuya away from Zoe actually turn out to be the sea witch, Ursula?"

"Worse!" Davis exclaimed. "_As the World Turns_ was cancelled! I just found out in Soap Opera Digest! It's been on for fifty-four years and I have yet to miss an episode!"

The three of him gazed at him blankly, their eyes twitching at such a stupid complaint.

"The final episode aired last month," Kouji said quietly after a moment. "So you would've found out a month ago."

Kouichi and Zoe raised their eyebrows, despite the fact that Kouichi is a fish and fish don't have eyebrows. Kouji looked away from them, embarrassed.

"Oh, leave me alone. I need something to pass the time," the crab muttered.

Davis looked back at Kouichi. "But you had a great guess, fish! In fact, that happened, too. I was just too distraught about my soap opera to tell you right then and there."

Zoe stood up in shock, watching as the ship sailed away even further. _Dammit! We'll never catch up to them now!_

As if hearing her thoughts, Kouji snorted. "Why do you want to help Takuya anyway? He's an idiot for one thing. And he ditched you for some other bitch."

"I think she hypnotized him," Kouichi pointed out. "So it's not really his fault."

"Well, looks like we have a wedding to break up!" the seagull said excitedly. "I'll go stall the ceremony!"

Kouichi looked at the ship with worry. "But how are we going to catch up? Zoe can't swim that fast."

Davis thought for a moment, then smiled. "Hold on! Be right back! You guys head towards the ship, and I'll find Zoe a way to get there!"

He flew away, squawking obnoxiously to get his bird and sea animal friends to head towards the ship. Fish, crabs, sea lions, other annoying seagulls, and several other various creatures headed towards the large boat.

"Mine! Mine! Mine, mine!" the annoying seagulls babbled, trying to eat the fish as they flew.

"Stop it, you idiots!" Davis cried out. "Break up the wedding and eat their wedding cake, okay? Leave the fish alone!"

"Cake? Mine, mine, mine, MINEZ!" the seagulls flew full force, torpedoing towards the ship.

Shaking his head, Davis spotted a man driving a speedboat. He knocked the man off and stole it, struggling to steer the godforsaken thing with his wings.

"Gah! How do you work this thing?" he yelled, narrowly dodging a man and his girlfriend on a jetski. "Outta my way! Out of control speed boat! I can't steer this thing! _As the World Turns _was cancelled!"

"Nooooo!" the man cried out. "Not my soap opera!"

The woman looked at her boyfriend, then pushed him off the jetski and drove away. "I'm looking for a real man..."

"Real men watch soap operas, too!" Davis finally managed to get the boat over to Zoe, who hopped in and began to drive it without a problem.

Within two minutes, she had caught up to ship, which by now had been overrun by sea animals. As the party-goers on the boat ran around screaming like dumbasses, Kouichi and Kouji had somehow boarded the ship as well.

"Hey! What the fuck is going on here?" Ursula exclaimed, still in disguise as a mildly attactive woman. "You're ruining my wedding!"

Takuya just stood there in a hypnotic daze, stuffing his face with h'ordeuvres like there was no tomorrow. Zoe had to admit that even though he was the biggest moron she had ever encounted, he looked damn good in that suit of his.

Ursula was attacked by the birds and sea creatures, being bitch-slapped by an octopus in the process. Eight times to be exact. Davis squawked loudly in her face, then used his beak to grab hold of a necklace she had. Ursula grabbed him and strangled him with her bare hands, only to have a cherry bomb thrown down the back of her dress.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" She let go of the bird and beat out of the flames on her dress, causing the necklace to fall to the floor.

It cracked open, and just like in that awesome Disney version, Takuya snapped out of his stupor just as Zoe got her voice back! Isn't that freaking amazing?

Kouji snorted. "Yeah, yeah. Just continue on with the story already. I need to search for a new daily program to watch now that my soap opera has been cancelled."

"How will we ever survive?" Davis exclaimed, recovering from his choking experience. "Fifty-four years and then it ends! Damn you, God!"

"There is no God," Kouji muttered gloomily. "No God..."

"Zoe!" Takuya ran towards Zoe in slow-motion like in those cheesy romance movies.

Zoe raised an eyebrow and walked over to Takuya normally, reaching him after two seconds. "Miss me?"

"Yeah! And cool! You can talk! What are you, a wizard or something?" Takuya's eyes suddenly widened. "No, wait! I remember! You were the hot girl with the huge knockers! You know, the one wearing the shell bra! And you dragged me back to shore the other day when my asshole friends left me on that ship to die! And they thought I was crazy!"

His friends shuffled their feet in the background, looking down. "Sorry..."

Takuya and Zoe went in to kiss, but just as they were about to, Zoe suddenly turned back into a mermaid. The blond collapsed onto the deck, pissed off.

"Ah, you suck!" she cried out.

Takuya's eyes widened. "You're a mermaid? Wow, that's trippy. But awesome!"

With a horrible, annoying cackle, Ursula transformed back into her regular hideous self and grabbed Zoe around the neck. "Yes! Because you didn't kiss Takuya and break the spell in time, you are now my slave! Come on, Blondie! I have plenty of chores for you to do! And you'll be forced to listen to Miley Cyrus as you do everything!"

"NOOOOO!" Zoe struggled to free herself. "Let me go, you fat whore!"

"Nope, a deal's a deal," Ursula replied nonchalantly.

"But you cheated!" she shot back. "You stole Takuya and you made random sea animals attack him every time we tried to kiss!"

The brunette looked at Ursula in shock. "That was you who caused that?"

"Yup," she said proudly. "Pretty damn good, huh? Well, I'm off to make Blondie here my little slave. Toodles!"

With that, she jumped overboard, dragging the mermaid with her. Takuya ran over to the railing, dumbfounded yet ticked off at the same time.

"Oh, hell no!" He grabbed hold of the wheel, turning it quickly. "There's no way I'm letting her take Zoe!"

Tai tapped him on the shoulder. "Um, Takuya? They dove underwater. In case you've forgotten, this is a wedding yacht. Ships like these don't go underwater. So...yeah."

Takuya stared at him blankly. "Oh. Dammit..."

Anyway, as Ursula was dragging Zoe to her underwater lair, Kouji and Kouichi swam over to stop her. Kouichi smacked Ursula in the face with his tail, while Kouji recited his angsty poetry to give her a headache. Kouji's method of annoyance was ten times more irritating than Kouichi's. While the ugly sea witch was distracted, Takuya swam over to the group with scuba gear on. He pointed a bazooka at Ursula, who was still holding onto Zoe.

The blond yanked on Ursula's hair just as Takuya fired the bazooka, narrowly missing the explosive as she swam away away.

Ursula turned slowly to see what was about to happen, her face immediately turning dull. "Oh, fuck me..."

She was then hit by the explosive, which, since it was an explosive, caused her to explode. Pretty straight-forward, huh? Tentacles and blobs of fat littered the ocean, mixing in with all the empty beer cans and candy wrappes that had been thrown into the water by the dumbass known as Takuya and his idiotic friends.

Zoe immediately swam over to said-dumbass, wrapping her arms around him. "Yay! Now I don't have to listen to Miley Cyrus!"

Takuya hugged her back and reached the surface with her, pulling his mask off. "Well, today's been crazy, huh? I almost married an octopus woman, the ship was attacked by animals, and I finally figured out what is thirteen across on this crossword puzzle."

Zoe glanced at the question and read it aloud. "The cow says-"

"Hey!" Takuya interrupted her suddenly.

The mermaid looked at him strangely. "What?"

"That's the answer," he replied. "The cows says 'Hey'! As in 'Hey, you better stay the fuck away from me with that damn meat cleaver!' I'm pretty smart, huh?"

Just then, J.P. and his other six daughters joined them at the surface, along with the wedding ship sailing over to them. Kouji and Kouichi had swam over to them and Davis was flying overhead. So yeah, now everyone was witnessing what was going on.

"Wait!" Takuya exclaimed. "Where's Tommy? He hasn't been in this story at all!"

"It's all good, Takuya!" Tommy called from inside a room on the ship. "I'm perfectly fine!"

"Would you like another chocolate-covered strawberry, Tommy?" a woman's sultry voice asked from behind the closed door.

"Or maybe backrub?" another woman suggested.

A third woman was heard amongst the group as well. "Or how about a run to the jacuzzi? I think the jets are working again."

Tommy chuckled. "Oh, hell yeah..."

Takuya grinned. "Haha! Tommy, you're such a pimp!"

"Okay, pay attention to me!" J.P. shouted, deafening everyone. "You! Idiotic boy in the scuba gear! Is it true that you rescued my daughter, Zoe, from the sea bitch, Ursula?"

"Damn straight," he replied cheekily. "And my name's Takuya."

"To me, you're Idiotic Boy!" the portly merman yelled. "But anyway, even though I still hate your race, I can tell that you care about my daughter since you went after her. So on that note...um...Ah, dammit, I can't think! Henry, did you bring me my sandwich yet? I've been waiting forever!"

Henry swam up to him. "Sorry, sorry! I have it! It's just that I had trouble finding bread and-"

J.P. smacked him and took a bite of the sandwich. "Oh, shut up! Anyway, Idiotic Boy, since you killed Ursula, you can-"

"Have your daughter? Sweet!" Takuya exclaimed, planting a big kiss on Zoe's lips.

Zoe smiled as her father rolled his eyes. He muttered some obsceneties under his breath, then turned Zoe into a human with his giant fork.

"It's called a triton!" he bellowed angrily.

Yeah, whatever. Takuya and Zoe were now happy because not only was Zoe a human again, but she could actually talk this time. Which is good, because it drowns out the sound of Takuya's constant annoying babbling. Her sisters were rather jealous, especially when they caught sight of Takuya's good-looking, moronic friends on the yacht. So, they, too, were turned into humans.

"Alright! I'm free! I'm free! No more freaking daughters!" J.P swam off, happy of his newfound freedom.

And then Zoe's sisters hooked up with Takuya's friends. Kari got together with T.K., Yolei got with Ken, Rika hooked up with Ryo, and Jeri got together with Takato. So that results as Takari, Kenyako, Ryuki, and Jurato. Yes, their English names were put together to create their Japanese couple names. Got a problem with that? Didn't think so. Now that leaves Sora, Mimi, and Matt and Tai. Will it be Sorato and Michi? Or Taiora and Mimato? The results are still pending, but so far, Sorato and Michi is ahead slightly. That could also be because the authoress screwed with the results a bit since she favors Sorato and Michi over Taiora and Mimato.

And our favorite couple of all, Takumi, lived happily ever after, along with the other couples. Kouichi became the pet fish, while Kouji began to go to poetry clubs to share his poetry. He got booed by the third line. Davis had developed a crush on Kari and kept a picture of her. He is currently plotting T.K.'s demise. T.K., however, is immortal in this story so Davis can't kill him. No Daikari! However, Davis got over his obsession with _As the World Turns_ and changed his attention to yet another show; _America's Next Top Model_. He is hoping to enter the special 'Coastal Bird Edition'.

"Dammit!" Davis squawked. "You suck! I'm not into that crap! And why does T.K. get to be with Kari? And I'll never get over the loss of my soap opera!"

He will one day. Anyway, Tommy was fawned over by several gorgeous women since he is always the lucky bastard with all the girls. J.P. got over his mid-life crisis and was relieved that he no longer had to watch over seven annoying daughters. His daughters go great with the very annoying Takuya and his very annoying friends. All was good in the world, especially when Ursula's remains were added to a new type of sandwich created by Henry. The Fat Bitch Tentacle sandwich. So far, J.P. is the only one who enjoys it.

**And that wraps up this chapter. Although it might be awhile, there will be more chapters in the future. I hope you liked this one, so please review and let me know what you think.**


	11. Chapter 11: Jack and the Beanstalk

**Here is yet another entry in our beloved, butchered fairy tales. Enjoy!**

**Takuya: Hey! How come the chapter in that little bar says 'Jack and the Beanstalk' but the chapter on the page says 'Takuya and the Beanstalk'?**

**Me: Because 'Jack and the Beanstalk' is the actual name of the fairy tale, but I changed it to your name on the page since your name isn't 'Jack'. It's just how I wanted to do it.**

**Takuya: Oh... Well, can my name be 'Jack' in this story? You know, like Jack Sparrow? Or Jack Skellington? **

**Me: No, now shut up so that this cracked-out tale can begin.**

**Deranged Crack Tales**

**Chapter 11: Takuya and the Beanstalk**

Once upon a time, there was a teenage boy who lived in the countryside with his mother. They had very little food or money and the mother avoided going into prostitution at all costs. The boy did what he could to scrounge up money for food, from doing chores for other people, to pickpocketing richer people. He also robbed the town bank on more than one occasion. And a 7-Eleven convenience store. Yup, he was a hard-working little bastard.

"Takuya, did you get any money today?"

The brunette turned around to see his mother standing the doorway with a grumpy look on her face.

"No, not yet," he replied. "But I plan on jumping someone for their wallet later on today."

His mother was none other than our favorite emo, Kouji.

"WHAAAAT?" Kouji gawked. "What do you mean that I'm the mother? I'm a freaking guy!"

Kouji seems to be forgetting that out of all the guys, he looks like a girl the most due to his pretty, shiny long hair.

"Fuck you! I am NOT being the mother! I refuse! I'll go on strike! I'll throw a temper tantrum and-"

Okay, shut up. Kouji will play the _father_, okay? Not the mother, which Takuya will be lacking in this fairy tale. But that's okay, most mothers in fairy tales are useless or evil anyway. Now let's get on with the story already.

"Good." The whiny emo looked at Takuya. "Okay, here's what I want you to do-"

"You want me to burn the barn down?" Takuya cut him off, holding up a blowtorch.

"What? Why would I have you do that?" Kouji demanded.

The brunette shrugged. "Insurance purposes? That way we can collect money for the damanges."

The raven-haired man thought for a moment, then shook his head. "Nah, we'll hold off on doing that for the time being. For now, I want you to go to the market and sell our cow."

"But I was gonna make burgers tonight!" Takuya complained. "I can't make burgers without the cow!"

"MOO?" The said-cow gazed into the window from outside, clearly freaked out.

"No burgers!" Kouji yelled. "Sorry, but your burgers suck! All you do is pile a shitload of different types of meat on them and they taste horrible!"

Takuya huffed. "Yeah, well, they're better than your nasty burgers! Who the hell puts squid on a burger?"

"My burgers are delicious!" his father shouted.

"No, mine are waaaaay better!"

Shut up! Both of you shut the hell up! God… Anyway, after the two morons shut up, Takuya decided to listen to his angsty parent by going to the market to sell the cow, whom was grateful not to be turned into disgusting burgers made by Takuya and Kouji.

"Make sure you don't mess this up!" Kouji had yelled at him. "If you do, then change your name and move to another country!"

So Takuya told himself not to screw up, since he didn't have the money to move to another country. After dragging the lazy cow to the center of town, he began to lead it to the nearest market.

"Come on, you stupid thing," he muttered, tugging on the damn cow by the rope tied around it.

The stupid animal continued its leisurely pace, ignoring Takuya's angry comments as it stopped to chew on the grass.

"Ah, come on!" Takuya tugged on its rope, almost falling over as he did so. "I hate cows!"

Just then, a man who looked just like Takuya's mother-

"Father!" Kouji yelled from his house.

…Father. Okay. Anyway, a man who looked just Takuya's _father_, only with shorter hair, stepped out of nowhere.

"Hi, there!" he said enthusiastically. "Would you be interested in a special deal I'm having today?"

Exhausted from his cow-tugging, Takuya let out a tired sigh. "What deal are you talking about?"

"Only the greatest deal ever!" the man told him. "By the way, my name is Kouichi. Put 'em there!"

He grabbed Takuya's hand, shaking it wildly to the point where he nearly ripped Takuya's arm from his socket.

"Ow, dammit!" Takuya yanked his hand away, rotating his shoulder a moment later.

"So, are you interested in my offer?" Kouichi asked, overly-caffeinated. "Huh, huh, HUH?"

"I don't even know what your offer is!" Takuya nearly shouted. "You never told me what it was."

The raven-haired man chuckled sheepishly. "Oh, my bad. Anyway, here is my special offer!"

With that, he held out a small cloth bag, secured shut with a piece of rope that had been spraypainted gold.

Takuya eyed the bag strangely. "What's in it?"

"Beans!" Kouichi announced proudly, as if it were the most amazing thing ever.

The brunette sweat-dropped. "Uh, no thanks. I'll pass."

"Wait a minute!" Kouichi untied the bag and dumped the contents into his hand. "These aren't just ordinary beans, you know!"

Takuya looked at the beans, unimpressed. "Well, what kind of beans are they?"

"Magic!" the salesman said, waving his arms around in a mystical manner. "They're magic beans!"

The rather idiotic boy immediately perked up. "Magic, huh? What kind of magic? Will they give me superpowers?"

"Even better!" Kouichi shouted, now almost deafening his customer by now. "They will bring you great fortune! Just plant them and before you know it, you'll be bestowed with…um…good things!"

Takuya grinned. "I'm sold! How much are they?"

"All I want is that cow you have. Of course, if you can't afford to give it to me, then-"

Yet before he could finish, Takuya had practically thrown the large moo-ing animal on top of him.

"Take the damn thing," he almost begged. "Please! Just take the freaking cow!"

Kouichi blinked in confusion as Takuya barrel-assed down the street with the bag of beans, disappearing from sight.

The hyper salesman looked at the cow, a wide grin spreading on his face.

"I'ma having me some burgers for dinner tonight!" he happily exclaimed.

The cow's eyes widened. "MOO?"

_A little later_

"You did WHAAAT?" Kouji stared at his son, his mouth hanging open.

"Yup, I traded the cow for these beans," Takuya replied, holding up the bag. "And look, the bag comes with a cool gold rope!"

Kouji began to twitch. "Why did you...trade our cow...for some fucking beans? I told you to sell the cow so that we could buy some food! Now are we going to do, you dumbass?"

He smacked the brunette over the head with a broom, fuming at the boy's stupidity. Takuya scrambled away from the out-of-control emo, hiding underneath a table for cover.

"That hurt, you know!" he complained as he nursed the lump forming on his head.

"In a minute, you'll be in a world full of pain!" Kouji snarled, then grabbed the beans. "I'm throwing these damn things away! Even if there were enough of these for us to eat, they're too damn hard to chew! And when I'm done with you, you'll need a straw to eat your meals!"

With that, he tossed the beans out the window, keeping the bag in his possession. It would serve as a lovely place to hold his most treasured items, including his vintage razor blade.

"Now go to your room!" Kouji shouted, threatening his son with the broomstick again. "Stupid!"

Takuya muttered a few obsceneties under his breath, sulking into his bedroom. He was grounded for the rest of the night, only allowed to come out of his room to use the bathroom.

"I don't think so!" Kouji handed Takuya an empty soda bottle. "There! Do your business in there!"

"But what if I have to-"

"Not my concern," the angst-ridden man rudely interrupted, then slammed the door shut.

Takuya scoffed. "Bastard..."

For the next two hours, he did whatever he could to entertain himself. He made shadow puppets, sock puppets, and glued googly eyes to practically everything in his room.

"Haha! So this is what I look like with googly eyes!" Takuya looked at a picture of himself, having glued plastic eyes over is own. "I look like Cookie Monster! But if I were Cookie Monster, then I'd have some cookies with me... Ugh, I'm so hungry... I should've just sold that cow instead of trading it for beans."

"Damn straight!" Kouji yelled from outside his bedroom.

Takuya glowered at the door. "Stop eavesdropping! Don't you have anything better to do than to stand outside my room with a cup against the door?"

"...No," his father finally admitted. "But I'm supposed to spy on you! It's my job!"

The brunette snorted. "Well, let's see. I don't have any video games, hentai comics, anime porn, internet porn, or girls in this room. You sold all my shit so that we could buy food! Why couldn't we have sold any of your stuff? I'm sure that your stupid vintage razor blade is worth a good amount."

"We are not selling Bessie!" Kouji yelled.

"But I already traded Bessie," Takuya replied, confused.

"Bessie is my razor blade, not the cow, you dolt!"

Takuya scratched his head. "Oh. Who the hell names a razor blade?"

"I do! Now go to bed or something! Maybe if we're lucky, the sky will rain food so that we can eat, seeing how my son is too incompetent to come up with any money to by some," Kouji snapped.

"I'll get money if you let me sell Bessie," Takuya joked.

"I'll cut you if you do that! Now go to bed!" With that, Kouji stormed away, taking his cup with him.

Takuya rolled his eyes, but decided to head to bed nonetheless. There was nothing else for him to do, and maybe Kouji was right. Maybe the sky would rain food so that they could eat.

"I hope so," Takuya mused as he stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed. "I'm on the verge of eating my pillow. I'm sure it'll taste good if I dip it in chocolate syrup. It'll be like a chocolate-covered marshmallow!"

He soon fell asleep, idly chewing on his pillow during his slumber as he dreamt of marshmallows. However, a few hours later, it began to sprinkle outside. The beans, which had been tossed out by the razor-wielding nutcase known as Kouji, began to react with the water. Well, actually, out of the ten beans, nine turned into pathetic little plants that would've been fit for a styrofoam cup. Yet the tenth one sprouted into a giant beanstalk, reaching hundreds of feet in lenght as it continued to grow at a freakish rate.

While it grew, the ground rumbled and Takuya was awakened by it. His father was too deep in a pill-induced stupor to notice and continued to sleep, his headphones in his ears as he listened to his tape 'Raising Idiotic Children for Emo Parents'.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Takuya wandered over to the window, tripping over a stool in the process. "Ah, dammit!"

He crashed into the wall, then heaved himself up with a groan. Shaking the little birdies out of his head, he gazed outside the window, nearly shitting himself when he saw what was out there.

"Whoa..."

Takuya stared at the huge beanstalk, his mouth gaped open as he looked at its staggering length. He quickly snapped out of his daze and hurriedly got dressed, hopping outside as he tugged his shoe on. He had decided to put on his Call of Duty 4 cosplay costume to feel important. Do they even make Call of Duty 4 cosplay costumes yet?

"I got mine from eBay!" Takuya said excitedly.

Anyway, moving on... The idiot decided to pay attention to the giant beanstalk again.

"Damn! A giant beanstalk!" he exclaimed. "How the hell did it get here?"

Just ignore the fact that the beanstalk wasn't there before Kouji had tossed the beans out the window. And then it had rained, which usually causes plants to grow. Let's not put two and two together at this point. Please note the sarcasm...

"Eh, who cares how it got here. I'm gonna see what's up there!" Takuya began to climb up the beanstalk, scampering up as if he were part spider.

"I'm part spider?" Takuya grinned like a moron. "Then that means I can shoot that crap from my wrists to swing up there, right?"

...Right...Give it a try.

After an obvious fail since Takuya is not Spiderman and prying himself out of a fence, the brunette gave up on that idea and just climbed up the old fashioned way. He went up and up and up, going up past the clouds. However, it seemed that the beanstalk led to other dimensions along the way, for Takuya stumbled across a few strange places during his climb.

"Where the hell am I?" he wondered as he stopped momentarily.

The brunette seemed to be in another world, for he didn't recognize the rainforest he was in. Yet as he waited there, still hanging from the beanstalk, he saw two people approaching. Well, one was a chubby seven year-old Spanish girl and the other was a monkey wearing a pair of boots.

"I KNOW! LET'S CHECK THE MAP!" the girl yelled at the top of her lungs. "HE KNOWS WHERE TO GO! HE'LL TELL US THE QUICKEST WAY TO MY HOUSE!"

The monkey rolled his eyes. "Maybe if you knew where your damn house was, we wouldn't need to look at the map..."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the girl demanded, causing Takuya and the monkey to cover their ears.

"Stop yelling!" the monkey exclaimed. "I'm gonna hit you with my boot if you don't shut up!"

The girl backhanded him, then quickly turned her back to the 'viewers'. "OKAY, WE HAVE TO SAY 'MAP'! SAY 'MAP'! LOUDER! MAS FUERTE! MAP!"

As Takuya watched, dumbfounded, a map flew out of the girl's backpack. "I'm the map! I'm the map! I'M THE MAP!"

"Is that a talking joint?" the idiotic boy wondered.

"I'M THE MAP!" the map repeated again.

Takuya shook his head, and climbed up the beanstalk as fast as he could, trying to escape the stupidity in front of him. Yes, even Takuya has standards. After passing by another strange dimension consisting of muppets that were under the leadership of a tyrant known as Elmo, Takuya finally reached the top of the beanstalk. The top ended in a huge cloud, which was holding up a massive house.

"Wow! This house is big enough for a giant!" Takuya exclaimed as he jumped off the beanstalk and wandered over to it.

He was too small to open the gigantic door, so he entered through the doggie door instead. From what he could see, there was no one home. Like the house, the furnishings were fit for a giant, and he had entered through the kitchen.

"Hey, if the house is this big, then there must be food that's big, too! Then I can steal some and bring it home with me!" Takuya speculated, finally coming up with a remotely intelligent idea.

He climbed up onto one of the chairs, hoping to find some food on the kitchen table. However, upon reaching the tabletop, he discovered two cages. One cage contained a goose with a bored expression on his face as he paced around. Beside the goose, there was a golden egg.

In the second cage, there was a girl who looked to be around Takuya's age. She had long blond hair and green eyes, and she was sleeping in a curled up form.

"Hey!" Takuya shouted, jolting the girl awake and scaring the hell out of the goose.

"Ah, dammit! Don't do that!" the goose snapped.

The girl angrily nodded in agreement. "You almost gave us a heart attack."

"D-Did that goose just talk?" Takuya gawked at the bird.

"Yes, I did," the goose replied smartly. "Name's Tommy. That girl right there is Zoe. We've both been stuck here for about a week now."

Getting over the fact that there was a talking animal, Takuya scratched his head in confusion. "Who locked you guys up?"

"The giant," Zoe said with a sigh. "He kidnapped me and locked me in this stupid cage. Tommy was brought here the day before me."

"He thinks that I lay golden eggs," Tommy said with a laugh. "What a moron..."

Takuya raised an eyebrow. "But isn't that a golden egg right next to you?"

The goose held up a paintbrush with gold-colored paint on it. "It's a gold-painted egg. I can't lay eggs either, but my female goose friend has been smuggling them to me while the giant's not around."

"But if you're a male goose, then you shouldn't be able to lay eggs anyway, right?" Takuya questioned. "Why don't you just tell him that you're a male goose who can't lay eggs?"

"Because he'll kill me," Tommy replied. "And I'm not going to tell him anything. If I speak, he'll use me to make money. And if I don't talk while he tries to expose me, he'll kill me. It's a lose-lose situation."

Zoe pulled at the bars. "I don't know why he's keeping me around. I have no use for him."

"Maybe he just wants something beautiful to look at," Takuya said bluntly, eyeing her up and down.

The girl blushed, tearing her gaze away. "Yeah, but what does he expect to do with me? Keep me as a servant or something? It'll take me the rest of my life just to clean this damn table! Everything else is too big for me to hold, so I can't cook for him either."

"Maybe he wants to have sex with you," Takuya suggested.

Zoe's eyes widened and her heart practically stopped at the mere thought of it. "That's not possible, you idiot!"

"Yeah, his package is bigger than Zoe's whole body," Tommy added. "That would be like trying to get an elephant to mate with a rabbit. It's not going to work."

"Can you get us out of here?" the blond asked Takuya. "We're going insane in here. And judging by your attire, you look like you could be somewhat useful."

"Sure, I'll help you guys. Is there a key somewhere or anything?" he asked.

Zoe cursed. "Dammit! There is a key, but the giant has it. And even if he didn't, it would still be too big for you to even lift! Ah, we're screwed."

Tommy sighed and nodded. "Hey, are there any white spots on this golden egg? I don't want it to look like a fake."

"But it _is_ a fake," Takuya pointed out.

"Exactly!" Tommy ran the brush over it a few more times. "And as soon as that bastard gets back, he'll be greeted by this egg."

As if on cue, the ground, or table we should say, began to shake. Hell, the entire house began to shake as the giant leisurely made his way towards it.

"Hide!" Zoe told Takuya. "Quick! I'll try to trick him into letting us out and then the three of us can make a run for it! Just go hide somewhere!"

Takuya nodded and went to look around for a good hiding spot. He finally settled in the napkin holder, hiding amongst the colorful napkins. A moment later, the door swung open and the giant entered. In case nobody guessed already, the giant's name is J.P.

"Fuck, why am _I _always portrayed as the big or fat one? WHY? Make Takuya be the towering monster!" he complained.

"Honk honk!" Tommy flapped his wings. "HONK!"

"Oh, shut up, you stupid goose!" J.P. stalked over to the table. "Did you lay me any golden eggs?"

"Honk!" The goose waddled around, moving away from the egg.

With a grin, J.P. quickly unlocked the cage and reached his fingers inside of it to grab hold of the golden object. He flicked Tommy as he tried to fly out, plastering the poor bird into one of the metal bars.

"Hm, this is a good one!" he mused to himself, inspecting the egg.

However, the paint had not completely dried and some of it came off onto his hands. Puzzled, J.P. wiped at the egg, discovering that it was only a regular white egg that had been painted.

Tommy felt his heart sink as J.P. saw through his ruse. "Honk..."

"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, glaring at the goose. "Where are my golden eggs?"

"Honk honk!" Tommy panicked a bit, not wanting to be cooked for dinner.

"Where are they?" J.P. the giant bellowed. "Tell me! Or I'll pull an Ozzy Osbourne! You know, like the time he bit that bat's head off. Only I'll be biting off a goose's head!"

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Oh, leave the goose alone already. The last time I checked, geese, or any type of bird for that matter, don't lay golden eggs. So stop being an idiot."

Furious, J.P. ripped her cage open and grabbed her in his fist. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"

The blond paled. "Oh, shit..."

"Don't worry, I'll come to your rescue!" Takuya yelled, jumping from out of the napkin holder.

However, he accidentally tripped over the stack of napkins and face-planted on the huge table. J.P., Zoe, and Tommy all sweatdropped from his clumsiness.

"Ugh, the only person who actually comes along to help us turns out to be a half-wit," Tommy muttered.

"Yeah, no shit." J.P.'s eyes widened and he looked at the goose in a crazy manner. "Hey, you just talked!"

Zoe facepalmed, shaking her head. "Oh, give me a break..."

"No, I didn't!" Tommy shot back to the giant, only to be grabbed by the behemoth's other hand. "Really! I can't talk!"

"You're talking now!" J.P. pointed out.

"Honk honk!" Tommy began to honk, hoping that the giant was even dumber than Takuya.

Yet there was no possibility of anyone being stupider than the brunette, so although dumb, J.P wasn't a big enough moron to fall for that.

"I'm going to make lots of money on you, birdie!" he exclaimed, shaking the poor goose.

"Well, if that's how it's gonna be, then let me get a few things off my chest." Tommy took a deep breath, then began to rant. "You're unattractive, you have bad breath, no reading skills, no common sense, no clue on anything that goes around you, and you have a big smear of pie on your face. Oh, and it's sad that the only girl you can get it Zoe over there, who is too small to do anything for you to begin with."

J.P. glowered at him, then squeezed both the goose and the girl. "OH, REALLY? THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU BOTH!"

"Hey, don't look at me!" Zoe cried out. "I didn't insult you!"

"Then does that mean you'll marry me?" the giant asked hopefully in a creepy manner.

Zoe shook her head. "Hell no! How the hell would we manage that? You're over a thousand times bigger than me!"

"I'd say a million," Tommy quipped.

"I'd say a billion!" Takuya yelled.

During Tommy's rant of insults towards the giant, Takuya had recovered from his embarrassing face-plant and had located a nearby fork. J.P. always kept a full place setting at the table, for he was always hungry and was out the table over half the time. Using the fork, Takuya ran at the giant, who was slow to react and simply stood there with a dim-witted expression in his face.

A moment later, Takuya stabbed J.P. in the stomach with the metal object, causing him to release Zoe and Tommy. The blow hadn't hurt him, as his several layers of fat had absorbed most of the blow. But he had dropped them because he saw a spider on the ceiling and was an arachnaphobic.

"Ah, get it away from me!" he cried like a little girl, cowering in the corner. "Mommy! Daddy! Get rid of the spider!"

Takuya caught Zoe as she fell, while Tommy simply flew, as geese have the ability to fly. Taking their chance, they decided to escape from the house. Luckily, J.P. was a _Star Wars_ fanatic and kept little models of the aircrafts that were used in the films. The three of them hopped inside one of the toys, which actually worked like a real one shown in the movie.

Forgetting about the spider, J.P. jumped up to stop them. "Hey, get back-!"

However, he was even clumsier than Takuya and fell over himself. Takuya decided to shoot him with the missiles or whatever to fend the giant off, yet they had no effect on him.

"Just get us out of here!" Zoe yelled, watching as J.P. stood back up.

"Yeah, let's go!" Tommy added. "Honk!"

Takuya muttered a few obsceneties under his breath, but steered the aircraft away nonetheless. He flew them out of the doggy door, hearing the giant right behind them.

"Go faster, Takuya" Zoe looked out the window fearfully. "He's catching up!"

"Hang on!" He made the aircraft go even faster, causing it to spin out of control. "Shit! Too fast! Too fast!"

"You idiot!" Zoe clung onto him for dear life. "If we crash, I'm going to kill you!"

Takuya smirked. "If we don't die from the crash, that is."

Tommy sighed. "Either drive this thing the right way or let me do it. I might have wings, but I bet I can fly this damn thing better than you."

"Nah, I got it." Takuya headed towards the beanstalk, the giant hot on their trail.

They sped down through the clouds, entering through the other dimensions. J.P. slid down the beanstalk like a fireman's pole.

"Get back here!" he bellowed after them. "You're seriously pissing me off!"

While they entered the dimension full of muppets, they saw the tyrant known as Elmo standing on a podium. He was wearing a suit and appeared to have a Hitler 'stache'.

"Elmo wants to color! Bring Elmo crayons!" the little red bastard yelled at the cowering muppets.

However, Takuya flew right over him, causing his head to be cut off. Elmo's body crumpled to the floor in a pool of blood, dead. Just as he deserved to be.

Cookie Monster wandered over and stole the cookie that had been in his pocket. "Om nom nom!"

Elmo's body was then hacked into pieces and cremated, finally ridding Sesame Street of his annoying-ness.

"Hell yeah!" Takuya grinned. "I've always hated Elmo. Now Cookie Monster can take over!"

J.P. continued to slide down the beanstalk and soon all of them entered the dimension with the fat Spanish kid and her talking monkey.

"CAN YOU SEE WHERE THE LAKE IS?" she shouted the 'viewers', being too damn lazy to turn around and look herself. "YOU DO? WHERE IS IT?"

"It's right behind us, you stupid bitch!" the monkey exclaimed.

"YEAH, THERE IT IS!" the girl screamed. "THERE'S CROCODILE LAKE! EL LAGO DE COCODRILOS!"

"Why would any sane parent let their kid go to a lake infested with crocodiles?" Zoe wondered, her eye twitching slightly.

Takuya chuckled. "Normally they wouldn't, but this girl is so stupid that her parents _want_ her to get eaten by crocodiles."

As the girl jumped over the crocodiles' heads, Takuya flew over them and startled the reptiles. They then went crazy and mauled the stupid brat, while the monkey watched gleefully.

"I'm free! I'm free!" He jumped around, only to fall into the crocodile-filled lake a moment later. "Oh, fuck..."

Takuya got through that dimension, finally arriving back in his own world. He steered the Star Wars aircraft down, the giant right behind them. However, J.P. lost his grip on the beanstalk and hurtled down towards the ground, landing right next to Takuya's house.

Kouji ran out of the house a moment later, a seaweed mask on his face and his long hair in curlers. "Holy shit! There's a giant on my lawn! Takuya! What's the meaning of this?"

The brunette landed the aircraft and climbed out of it, followed by the other two. Upon looking at Kouji, all three of them burst out laughing.

"Is that your mom?" Tommy asked Takuya.

Kouji huffed. "I'm his father!"

"Could've fooled me," Zoe said with a laugh.

"I'll cut you with Bessie!" Kouji threatened.

Takuya scratched his head. "But I already got rid of the cow."

"My razor blade, not the cow!" his father exclaimed angrily.

Moving on, J.P. did not survive the fall-

"WHAT? I DIED?" J.P. gaped in disbelief.

Shut up! Yes, you died! Now be quiet! Anyway, the loud-mouthed giant died from the impact, causing an earthquake in the process. The force not only caused Takuya and Kouji's house and barn to collapse, but scared Tommy enough to make him lay an egg. A golden egg to be exact!

"I don't wanna talk about it..." Tommy waddled away. "I'm having an identity crisis here..."

But since Tommy could now lay golden eggs, despite being male, Takuya now had a way to get up some money. So not only could he buy another house by selling the eggs, but he could also buy food to go along with it! For extra cash, they decided to sell J.P.'s organs to the Black Market.

"The Black Market? My organs are too big!" J.P. gawked at the thought.

You're supposed to be dead, so pipe down! Anyway, he wasn't the only giant out there, so his organs could be used for other giants in need. And then his body fat, I mean meat, was packaged and sold at the price of ground beef.

"You suck..." J.P. mumbled.

Tommy eventually got over his identity crisis, and accepted the fact that he could lay eggs. He got rich off of it anyway, so he accepted it before long and became the family pet. Zoe decided to stay with Takuya since he now owned a nice house and she had nothing better to do. Also this story wouldn't be Takumi if they hadn't ended up together. So on that note, they share a bedroom and bathroom!

"Do we have sex in the bed or in the shower?" Takuya asked.

Both.

"Alright!" he said with a grin while Zoe rolled her eyes.

And Kouji continued to be mistaken for Takuya's mother instead of his father.

"Hey! Those masks help my face from drying out!" he yelled in defense. "And those curlers are...um...just shut up!"

Kouichi ended up making burgers out of the cow, only to remember that he was a vegetarian. So yes, the cow died for nothing!

"MOO?" The cow stared at the authoress wide-eyed.

What the hell? Everyone who's supposed to be dead keeps coming back! J.P. is dead and so is the cow, so no more appearances by them!

J.P. and the cow looked at each other. "MOO?"

Dammit! The end! And stop following me!

**And that is the end of this deranged crack tale. How did you like it? Or how did you hate it? Whatever. Review or flame and have a nice day. ^_^**


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